View Full Version : The ultimate ultimation.
mickey
05-12-2003, 6:45 PM
My friend billy has just received this ultimation from his wife,they have only been married 6 mths.
Either they go or i go, she is talking about his fish of course.
It all started when a 100 gallon custom made tank spewed forth its contents all over thier master bedroom the other night creating a terrible mess of fish,glass, substrate and water ect.
What really got up Paulines nose[Billys wife] was the fact that he was a lot more worried about his fish than the state of the bedroom.
FACT IS HE NOW HAS TO CHOOSE PAULINE OR THE FISH.
Billy has been collecting fish and aquariums for years and has 9 freshwater tanks mostly cichlids and a few community tanks, he also has a couple of swts.
What do you guys think he should do?
can anyone think of a compromise or a solution to this problem?Has anyone ever experienced this kind of problem before?
Personally i think he is swaying towards his beloved fish.
Cheers'
ChilDawg
05-12-2003, 6:47 PM
Wow! I am a ChrisTian, so I believe in the sanctity of marriage, but if I were placed in a position like that by someone who seems not to know my hobbies, I don't know if I could stay with her...but marriage counseling (while tending to the fish) would be my first option.
no more fishies in the bedroom :)
riffless
05-12-2003, 7:02 PM
the wrong person if she's already giving him that sort of ultimatum, so I'd say ditch her, she's too high maintenance
JamisonBWolsh
05-12-2003, 7:48 PM
My Idea: Ditch the Wife and keep the FISH! You will be happier. Ultimatums are no way to go in marriage or in dating. The wife is so Shallow. Why? She said that her husband was more worried about his fish then their bedroom.... HMMM..... tough call.. NOT! Fish are ALIVE, anything else (carpet) can be replaced.I say Ditch the B*tch! :)
Slappy*McFish
05-12-2003, 8:02 PM
lol...you guys are such fish geeks;) ..heheh..all kidding aside, I think I'd keep the wife though...but it all really depends on how good the marriage really is. But he could always build a fish building in his back yard to house his aquariums.:) ..just get them out of the house.
Napsterhaven
05-12-2003, 8:04 PM
Originally posted by riffless
she's too high maintenance
Hehe with 9+ tanks wouldnt the fish be considered "high maintenance"?
Not from my viewpoint - I've got 24 at the moment. Peak was about 40. My wife is still here.
HungryGoldfish
05-12-2003, 9:50 PM
Since I worry about tank breakage (I have several older tanks) I wonder why his tank broke in the first place. Can you ask him? Which pane of glass broke?
Tyler718
05-12-2003, 9:50 PM
Is there any way that he could have blamed it on her?:p That is what I would have done. Lay it on real thick. I would have ended up replacing that tank and getting another in the process. Since they have only been married for 6 months he hasn't matered that yet.:D
Dave
Rometiklan
05-12-2003, 11:25 PM
To me, it sounds like Pauline just flew off the handle and the ultimatum was issued as a knee-jerk reaction to a messy situation. Given time, I'm sure she will see the unfairness of her ultimatum. I'm sure she will come to realize that the breakage of a 100 gallon tank is a pretty freak accident.
How did Pauline feel about the fish prior to the accident? Did she resent the fish because Billy was spending all his free time with his tanks, and ignoring her? There was an article in Aquarium Fish Magazine a couple of years back about how the hobby should not take precedent over things in life like your family and job. It sounds like that bit of wisdom might apply here. However, I think a compromise can, and should be reached. Instead of 9 tanks, how about 8? or 7? Or some magic number both parties can feel comfortable with. Maybe Billy can devote a room for all his tanks in the basement or something. Point is, maybe Billy can have his cake and eat it too.
Marriage is about understanding, compromise, and hard work as much as anything else.
Your friend's wife is understandably upset that the master bedroom was, from her perspective, devestated. She obviously doesn't want to go through that again and hence the ultimatum. I don't necessarily think that it's a reflection on their relationship or marriage at this point since they are still newly-weds going through the "break-in" period. BTW, have they got to the "which end you should squeeze the tooth paste from" argument yet?
It's all about compromise. It may mean no tanks in the bedroom and less tanks overall in the main living quarters. In my own situation, my wife is not at all interested in fish but she enjoys watching the kids watch the fish. I have been "allowed" two tanks in the family room (50G and 110G). I wanted to add a 120G to another corner but it was a no-go. No tanks on the second floor because a leak their could also damage the first floor. If I want more tanks, I may have to build a small fish room in the basement. I pretty much have free reign in the basement and garage:) .
Also, I called the insurance company to verify that damage to our house and contents would be covered if one should break. It provides a little piece of mind.
I with your friend luck
counselor Jeff
OrionGirl
05-13-2003, 8:27 AM
For a girl's perspective...
I can sympathize with the wife, but only by reading into the situation a bit. My ex-husband collected comic books, models (Star Trek/Wars, missiles, cars, planes, Batman), and action figures. I knew about his hobby before our marriage, but I did not grasp the extent of it until living with it--and having to share every minute and inch of space with his 'collectibles'. This may be a similar situation--she is just now figuring out how consuming this hobby is, and how invasive it will be to her life. I would say they need to sit down and discuss limits. Most likely a compromise will work, as long as it recognizes a) it is her home too. If she isn't happy there, she won't stay. b) they can spend more time together on mutally enjoyable hobbies.
I wouldn't ever put an ultimatum on anything. I've found that usually when they come up, it's bacause one partner's devotion to a hobby is making the other partner feel excluded and less important than the hobby--not a good situation for a marriage.
DarthV
05-13-2003, 9:50 AM
Ultimatums are bad. If she tries to stick with the demand, take back your share of the closet space! And try to limit her to 2 pairs of shoes (now that's what I call revenge!).
JamisonBWolsh
05-13-2003, 10:25 AM
Before marraige, there is dating. This is when people get to know each other. At this stage she knew you like keeping fish and its a hobby. She agreed to marry you with that understanding in mind. Tell her if she doesnt like fish, why did she marry you? I HATE it when woman try to change you to their desires! No good will come of it, I say!
demon_surfer
05-13-2003, 10:25 AM
The hobby is apart of what he is. IMHO you cant love someone if you want to change them..... though that may be a bit harsh :D
as others have suggested shes probably just emotional or PMSing ( JK JK!!!) or something :D
tell your friend to negotiate with her
OrionGirl
05-13-2003, 10:42 AM
JBW--I assure you, knowing someone has a hobby, and then living with it every day, and realizing that things that happened when you were dating only BECAUSE you were dating, will change your perspective. I knew my ex-husband collected comic books. I did not realize that he spent over 25% of his monthly income on them. I did not realize that two days a month MUST be devoted exclusively to picking up the comic books, and bagging them. I was certainly not aware that an entire room would be devoted to boxes of comic books.
Do not assume that you know everything about someone if you have not lived with them before you marry them, and even then, be prepared for some surprises.
I do agree, it's not right to try changing someone. However, there isn't a full disclosure agreement before you say I Do. If there had been, I would not have married him.
demon_surfer
05-13-2003, 11:02 AM
well said :)
superjohnny
05-13-2003, 11:22 AM
"Or else" means "else" so gtf out. If she's going to do it with this, she'll do it again later with something else. If he succumbs to her demands he gives her positive reinforcement ("Hey, that worked. Now I know how to get him to do what I want.")
That is control and relationships are not about control, they are about compromise and respect from both people. I'd tell her to leave her debit card and car keys on her way out the door.
ArkyLady
05-13-2003, 12:41 PM
My guess is the ultimatum came up while the bedroom floor was still covered with water, gravel, etc and once things settle down she'll be more reasonable about the situation.
He doesn't need to just give in to her ultimatum too easily, but should work to come up with a compromise they can both live with. If she continues to refuse to agree to a reasonable compromise, I'd call her bluff personally :D
mickey
05-13-2003, 5:48 PM
Originally posted by HungryGoldfish
Since I worry about tank breakage (I have several older tanks) I wonder why his tank broke in the first place. Can you ask him? Which pane of glass broke?
THIS WAS A CUSTOM BUILT TANK THAT HE HAS HAD FOR 9 OR 10 YEARS, THE GLASS DIDNT BREAK, THE TANK CAME APART AT THE BTM RIGHT CORNER HE BLAMES THE SILICONE AND RECKONS HE SHOULD HAVE REPLACED IT A YEAR OR TWO EARLIER.
CHEERS.
nvision
05-13-2003, 5:53 PM
oriongirl, i can relate with your experience with comic books. i used to collect during high school for a short time, just for fun. although i wasn't as hard-core, i do remember buying them, checking the spines and all corners to make sure they're in good condition, and bagging them in several different bag and cardboard materials... acid-free cardboards come to mind.
yeah, i've been thru that ritual also... oh the memories... :)
(i wonder if i can sell of some issues now for a nice 75g?)
mickey
05-13-2003, 6:10 PM
Originally posted by ArkyLady
My guess is the ultimatum came up while the bedroom floor was still covered with water, gravel, etc and once things settle down she'll be more reasonable about the situation.
He doesn't need to just give in to her ultimatum too easily, but should work to come up with a compromise they can both live with. If she continues to refuse to agree to a reasonable compromise, I'd call her bluff personally :D
I have had billy round to view the advise that you guys have so kindly posted.
He states that Pauline has reached a small compromise,she will allow him one tank [and one tank only] in the garage but none in the house whatsoever,he tells her she had no qualms about his fish when they got married [hence the tank in the bedroom] but she replies that was untill she seen the damage that a faulty tank could cause and that this was her final say on the matter.
The poorguy is at his wits end heartbroken and very confused by the whole situation.
I sure wouldnt like to be in his predicament.
Cheers'
andruboz
05-13-2003, 6:50 PM
that one tank in the garage should be about 2000 gallons then. just partition it up quite a bit. it will be tough on the saltwater fishes unless the partitions are water tight.
:)
Its just not right. Almost anything some one does has a measure of risk. The fact that the tank broke is a situation that MAY happen
again but actually rarely does. Since this tank broke the chance of another breaking is reduced. Most tank are put to good use for many many years. Maybe she would allow a tank in the kitchen where if there is a spill it wouldn't ruin a carpet. If your hustband flew planes and a friend was in a crash would there be no more flying for him? There is an inherent risk in EVERYTHING we do. To say no more becouse of one mishape is cruel and uncalled for.
I wonder, Does she want a happy husband or a depressed and morose husband? She may get the depressed and morose husband and it would be her fault for not being more understanding. Accedents happen, you clean up the mess learn from it and move on. The point is, this is is hobby, It's what makes
him happy. What is she giving up for him?
Tyler718
05-13-2003, 7:22 PM
I think she is carrying this to far. punch said it best "accidents happen and learn from them." I think he should take her car away from her. Driving a car is one of the most dangerous things someone can do in their everyday life. More people die in cars than buses. So the she should be safe and ride the bus.
I know that the above will never happen, but he does need to sit her down and tell her how he really feels. IMHO, some arguing is a good thing. If there is no disagreements / discussions then someone is hiding their true feelings and unhappy. In the long run this is unhealthy in a relationship.
The wife and I was talking about this thread earlier. I wanted a wifes point of view. She thinks that maybe there is more to it than just the tank breaking. There might be something she is not saying to her husband. This is possibly just a breaking point and don't know how to approach the subject with him.
Hope this helps,
Dave
JamisonBWolsh
05-13-2003, 7:26 PM
Originally posted by OrionGirl
JBW--I assure you, knowing someone has a hobby, and then living with it every day, and realizing that things that happened when you were dating only BECAUSE you were dating, will change your perspective. I knew my ex-husband collected comic books. I did not realize that he spent over 25% of his monthly income on them. I did not realize that two days a month MUST be devoted exclusively to picking up the comic books, and bagging them. I was certainly not aware that an entire room would be devoted to boxes of comic books.
I do agree, it's not right to try changing someone. However, there isn't a full disclosure agreement before you say I Do. If there had been, I would not have married him.
If you knew he collected comic books as much as he does, you would not marry him? Just because of the comic collecting? Something tells me that is not true. To throw away love because someone does something that you dont agree upon (not something illegal) Is just plain silly. I bet you would still marry him.
BESIDES, that comic collection will be worth plenty of money in years to come. Think of it as an investment. :)
I dont collect comics, but I do know they can be worth lots of money.
PS= Rent a movie called "COMIC BOOK VILLIANS", he will enjoy it and you will to. It is quite Funny!
dbcb314
05-13-2003, 8:54 PM
Thats wierd that he chose the fish over the master bedroom. What a fish nut. That room problem had 1000ths of dollars put into it, and he is worried about the tank. HaHa. I hope he choses the girl over the fish bc if he did not, thats just wierd.
I bet, after a few monthes to a year, she will soften up to the idea to another tank in the house, but not until the damage has been fixed for monthes.
Tyler718
05-13-2003, 9:03 PM
Originally posted by dbcb314
Thats wierd that he chose the fish over the master bedroom. What a fish nut. That room problem had 1000ths of dollars put into it, and he is worried about the tank. HaHa. I hope he choses the girl over the fish bc if he did not, thats just wierd.
I bet, after a few monthes to a year, she will soften up to the idea to another tank in the house, but not until the damage has been fixed for monthes.
After reading your post I went back and reread the whole thread. I think my wife is on to something here. There is more to it I think. I do agree that over time she'll come around to more tanks in the far future.
Dave
OrionGirl
05-14-2003, 8:31 AM
JBW (sorry to hijack, BTW)--
NO, I assure you, if I knew my ex-husband as well before the wedding as I did after living with him for 6 months, I would not have married him. Within 6 months, I knew that I was not even in the top 5 of his priority list. Comic books, models, action figures, video games and the military all came before me in his life. I can deal with the military, but I refused to compete with Lara Croft and Batman for his affection. He made no compromises, so I left. I spent 3 hours crying and trying to explain to him how unhappy I was and he wouldn't even put down the game controller. No, knowing in advance, I would not have put myself through that.
I agree that this is about something else. Like, maybe how much money or time is spent on the tanks?
Dabbler II
05-14-2003, 4:06 PM
This can show that some people just don't date for the right reasons or long enuf. Dating is to find out what you have in common with the other person, not just party for a year then get married to see if they can live together.( and by the way 1 tank in the garage is NO compromises from 9 in the house)
ChilDawg
05-14-2003, 4:12 PM
I can assure you that if this is what the ultimatum is about, then there will be a truce reached. I don't think that this is any more than the last straw in a marriage though, and I believe that counseling will confirm that at some point. An annulment might be in order, but I guess we shall see. Keep us posted, brook!
Mantis_22
05-14-2003, 4:12 PM
I am engaged and I know well, noone takes advantage of me and controls me. Marriage is a 50/50 deal and she doesent need to always get her way. Keep the fish bro, there are more fishes in the sea :p
superjohnny
05-14-2003, 4:40 PM
Sounds to me like you need an acrilic tank. They don't break, don't leak, and never neet to be siliconed.
Problem solved. That'll be $80 please.
I still have not figured out how it is her decision how many fish tanks this guy keeps. Now if he had a hobby like RTR I might understand, but she should have known that long before marriage. I would never get into a relationship with someone who refuses to compromise. It is rediculous to me that she puts you in that position. These ultimatiums are going to get more frequent, I can guarantee you that.
Good luck with the garage tank. I'm sure you'll really enjoy that till she drives the car into it.
mickey
05-14-2003, 7:14 PM
Originally posted by OrionGirl
JBW (sorry to hijack, BTW)--
NO, I assure you, if I knew my ex-husband as well before the wedding as I did after living with him for 6 months, I would not have married him. Within 6 months, I knew that I was not even in the top 5 of his priority list. Comic books, models, action figures, video games and the military all came before me in his life. I can deal with the military, but I refused to compete with Lara Croft and Batman for his affection. He made no compromises, so I left. I spent 3 hours crying and trying to explain to him how unhappy I was and he wouldn't even put down the game controller. No, knowing in advance, I would not have put myself through that.
I agree that this is about something else. Like, maybe how much money or time is spent on the tanks?
Money is not a problem to Billy and although he did spend time with his tanks [as we all do] the rest of his time was spent giving pauline as good a time as he possibly could,she didnt want for anything and this hurt him all the more when she gave him that ultimatium.
Although personally i think he was to good to her if that is possible.
She still wont back down on the issue so i told billy to ask her round to my place to view the comments that you guys made about the situation.
Might make her see sense, although i doubt it, she might not even come round when billy asks her.
BTW. I was sorry to hear that your ex didnt even have the manners to listen to your side of the story, we have a name for people like that in Ireland but i had better not print it here in this respectable forum.
Cheers.