Joke thread

[Cheech]

It's been a while...

let's share a few laughs. . . :)


I'll start with one I heard on the radio the other day .

What do you get when you eat a prune pizza???




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Pizzeria!! lol.... hehe...


(OK, I know, not the best of all jokes to start a thread with! :D)

[tel0004]

Donald Rumsfeld briefed presidnet Bush this morning. He told Bush that 2 Brazillian soldiers were killed in Iraq. Bush lost all the color in his face and collapsed onto his desk. Finally he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a Brazillion?"


I also like this one.

http://www.funny.com/_fc/0/2/fn.6006.gif

[kuhliloach]

Donald Rumsfeld briefed presidnet Bush this morning. He told Bush that 2 Brazillian soldiers were killed in Iraq. Bush lost all the color in his face and collapsed onto his desk. Finally he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a Brazillion?"



i've heard that one before, best joke i've heard today!
:rofl: :laugh: :evil_lol: :lol: :grinyes: :grinno: :joke:

[125gJoe]

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http://pic18.picturetrail.com/VOL932/715239/1510346/199663523.jpg

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[j_chicago]

http://i47.photobucket.com/albums/f161/morris14/cp.gif

[nickmcmechan]

what did the big chimney say to the little chimney




your too young to smoke..........

[mandy-2007]

LOL so funny . . .here is one from me :
What is the smallest room in the world ?????






A Mushroom

[janewalsh11]

Shakespeare walks into a pub ......landlord says ya bard

[Reefscape]

A meat pie walks into a bar and asks for the menu...instantly the bar tender shouts to him " Get out, we dont serve food here "...

[nickmcmechan]

a horse walks into a bar....bartender says whats with the long face

[125gJoe]

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http://pic18.picturetrail.com/VOL932/715239/13549479/275330015.jpg

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[Cheech]

A mushroom walks into a bar and asks for a drink,... bartender says " sorry, we don't serve mushrooms here".

Mushroom says, "I'm not a mushroom, I'm a fungii!" :D

[smbjedi]

what did momma bullet say to daddy bullet? we are having a BB

[jpappy789]

How can you put two elephants in a Volkswagon?



One in the front seat, one in the back seat.


How can you tell if there are two elephants in your refrigerator?



Look for footprints in the butter.


How can you put four elephants in a Volkswagon?



Two in the front seat, two in the back seat.


How can you tell if there are four elephants in your refrigerator?



Look for a Volkswagon in the driveway.

But how do you fit an elephant in your refrigerator?

You open the door, put the elephant in and close the door

How do you fit a giraffe in your refrigerator?

Open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in and close the door

There was a meeting of all the animals in the jungle, which one was missing?

The girraffe, he's still in the refrigerator...
------------------------------------------
Why did the elephant wear dark sunglasses?

So he wouldn't be recognized.

What did Tarzan say when the elephant came up over the hill?



Nothing. He didn't recognize the elephant because he was wearing dark sunglasses.


What is the difference between a plum and an elephant?



A plum is purple.


What did Jane say when she saw a herd of elephants coming up over the hill?



Look, the plums are coming! (Jane was colorblind.)


Lol! I love corny elephant jokes!!!

[125gJoe]

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[Sonjamo]

What happens when you throw a Green rock into the Red Sea?
.................................................. ..
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..
.


It gets wet.

:grinno:

[nickmcmechan]

if a red house is made of red bricks and a blue house is made of blue bricks what is a green house made of?

[jpappy789]

glass!

[nickmcmechan]

knock knock

[jpappy789]

who der!!?!?

[nickmcmechan]

doctor

[jpappy789]

doctor whoooo!?!?

[Sploke]

What do a bucket and a duck have in common?
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They both have handles. Except for the duck.

[Cheech]

doctor whoooo!?!?


we're still waiting nick... :)

[Firebelly__girl]

What did the paper clip say to the magnet..?



















IM ATTRACKED TO YOU ;]

[jpappy789]

we're still waiting nick... :)

...

[charlie_stubbs]

The Story of The Discontented Sparrow

Once upon a time there was a discontented sparrow. When all the other sparrows flew south for the winter, the discontented sparrow said, "Screw you guys, i'm staying here". But soon it grew too cold, and the sparrow had to start the long journey alone. Over a farmers field, the sparrows wings froze and he plummeted to the earth. A cow came over and crapped on the sparrow. The sparrow thought that this was the end, but the crap warmed up his wings and he was soon able to move again. The sparrow was so happy, he began to sing. A nearby cat heard the singing, cleared the crap off of the sparrow and ate him. This story has three morals. They are:
#1: everyone who craps on you isn't necessarily your enemy.
#2: everyone that gets you out of crap isn't necessarily your friend.
#3: if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, keep your mouth shut.

[dixienut]

The Story of The Discontented Sparrow

hey thats my motto....:grinyes:

[LiveOutLoud]

I thought I'd bring this old thread back up :)

There was these two perfect people they dated through there perfect highschool years got married had the perfect wedding, then had a perfect honeymoon got perfect jobs and later had two perfect kids. Well one day the perfect man and women were driving down the street and they saw santa claus. They didn't want there perfect kids to be sad because Christmas was almost there. But sadly they ended up in a car crash:( Only one of them survived Can you tell me who?












The perfect women of course because the perfect man and santa claus don't exist!

[emptywallet]

okay there were 3 men up for execution and they were all going to be executed. The first one right before he was going to be executed he said Tornado! so everybody ran for shelter and he got away. the second person right before he was about to get executed he said Earthquake! and everybody ran for shelter and he got away. The third guy was about to get executed then he said FIRE!!!


hahaha

[Easydoesit]

lol, doh!

[emptywallet]

thats my favorite joke lol

[VT_Chris]

What is the difference between a toilet and Convienience Store Clerk?





A toilet only has to deal with one a s s at a time

[judgemax]

what do you called a deer with no eyes?

no idear

what do you call a deer with no eyes, and no legs?..

still no idear

[j_chicago]

good one jm

[The Zigman]

Knock Knock...

who's there...

madaam...

Madaam Who?

Madaam foot's stuck in the door! Let Me IN!!

[SchizotypalVamp]

http://www.basicinstructions.net/images/37smile.gif

http://www.basicinstructions.net/2006_08_01_archive.html

[Easydoesit]

these are good

[SchizotypalVamp]

One of my favorite comics :)

[eroomlorac]

a horse walks into a bar....bartender says whats with the long face


This is my favorite joke ever. I tell it to my kids all the time and they stare at me like I'm an idiot.

[catfish69hunter]

A man was talking to god he asked "God, why did you make women so beautiful?"
God replied " So you would love her"
"But god," the man asked " why make did you make her so dumb?"
God replied " So she would love you."

[Easydoesit]

i cant decide if i like that joke or not lol

[cam191919]

ha ponchos.

[The Zigman]

Trying to think of some more "clean" jokes...

I'll BBL...

[Dwarf Puffers]

Trying to think of some more "clean" jokes...

I'll BBL...

I know, it's hard :p:

[sschind]

A cop pulls over a car for not stopping at a stop sign. He walks up to car and asks the driver

"Do you know why I pulled you over?"

The driver replies "no sir, I don't"

The cop says "you didn't stop at that stop sign back there"

the driver answers "well, I did slow down. Stop, slow down, what's the difference?"

The cop says "step out of the car please"

The driver gets out and the cop starts beating him over the head with his nightstick

"now" asks the cop "do you want me to stop, or do you want me to slow down?"




Same cop (he's a real jerk) pulls over a car for speeding. The driver and his passenger are two 17 year old kids.

May I see your drivers license please?"

As the driver reaches for his wallet the cop takes out his nightstick and raps him over the head.

"Ow" screams the kid "what did you do that for?"

"you were a little slow getting out your license. I need to speed you up"

As the kid finishes getting out his license the cop looks over and sees the passenger staring straight ahead with his hands folded in his lap.

"let me see your registration please"

As the driver reaches for the glove compartment the cop raps him over the head again.

"Ow" screams the kid "why did you do that?"

"you were a little slow getting out your registration. I need to speed you up"

As the kid finishes getting out his registration the cop looks over and again sees the passenger staring straight ahead with his hands folded in his lap.

The cop writes out the ticket, hands it to the driver and says "sign here please"

As the kid reaches for the ticket book the cop hits him over the head again with his nightstick.

"ow, now why did you do that"

"you were a little slow signing the ticket. I need to speed you up"

The kid finishes signing the ticket and the cop looks over and again sees the passenger staring straight ahead with his hands folded in his lap.

The cop take the ticket book back, tears off the copy and hands it to the driver. Then he slowly walks around to the passenger side of the car. All the while the passenger is sitting dead still staring straight ahead with his hands folded in his lap. The cop raps on the window and the kid slowly lowers it. Once the window is all the way down, out of the blue the cop takes his night stick and beats the passenger with it.

"Ow" cries the kid "why did you do that"

"that's so you don't get a mile down the road and you say "man if he had done that to me I would have kicked his ***"

[wildman117]

my neighbors chihuahua comes into my yard everyday and barks at my pitbull through the glass and marks the yard like he owns the place and then my large house cat starts sneaking up on him like he is tracking a mouse and then tries to pounce on him and even then i have to pick him up and put him back in the other yardwhere he still barks at my pitbull

true story:grinyes:

[LiveOutLoud]

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.
In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been 'called home to glory' following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I've Arrived!
I've just arrived and have checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
(P.S. Sure is hot down here!) Shelly

[j_chicago]

good one steve...

Here's one I made up a few years ago while looking at a menu...

What do you call an Irishman on fire?


Paddy melt

[125gJoe]

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qc7UMqyqJ6Q

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[KuchDaddy]

Three guys were down on their luck, living in the city and had no food. They were starving and didn't know what to do.
They spied a truck pulled up the grocery store unloading cheese.
One guy says "Lets jump on the truck and each grab a hunk of cheese and take off running"
Another guy says, "Yeah, if we all run off in different directions, the guy on the truck can't catch all three of us"
So they all jump on the truck and grab a hunk of cheese and run off in different directions.
Later, they rendezvous at the appointed place with their cheese.
One guy says "I got swiss cheese"
The next guy says "I got cheddar cheese"
The third guy says "I got nacho cheese"
The first guy says, "Nacho cheese? That isn't a kind of cheese. What makes you think that's nacho cheese"
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"Well when I ran off with the cheese, the guy on the truck started chasing after me, and he was yelling "That's nacho cheese, thats nacho cheese"


(get it: "not your cheese")

[catfish69hunter]

What happens when you play a country and western song backwards???








The singer gets his wife, house, truck, dog and his job back!

[j_chicago]

A piece of string was walking through town doing some window shopping.
He started to get hungery so he popped into a diner and sat down at the
counter. The cook turns around and says "what can I get ya?"

The piece of string replies "I'll have a BLT and the soup of the day"

Cook says "wait, your a piece of string, I don't serve your kind here"

"But" says the string "you can't do that! Thats discrimination"

"Call it what you want, but the fact is your not eating here!" says the cook
as he throws the piece of string out.

So the piece of string continues down the street to look for something else
to eat. But it was getting late and all the other restaurants were closed for
the night. So the piece of string gets sad, sits down on the curb and starts
to cry not knowing what he is going to do.

Then one of the strings friends comes around the corner and sees him
crying. The friend asks him whats the matter and the string tells him about
what happened at the diner and how there is nowhere else to eat.

The friend thinks about it and then it hits him "I'll disguise you so you can
walk in there and you can eat." So he picks the string up, unravels his
ends, and ties him in a bow. "There, now he won't think your a piece of
string."

The piece of string walks back into the diner, sits down at the counter and
the cook turns to him.

"what can I get ya?"

"I'll have a BLT and a soup of the day"

The cook turns around and starts to scoop up the soup, but stops and
turns back to the string..."Wait a sec. I know you, your that piece of string
I wouldn't serve earlier"

"No I'm not, I've never been here before" says the string.

"Yeah you are, I never forget a piece of string I toss out of here"

The string replies "No, I'm afraid not"






get it? (I'm a frayed knot)

[almo75]

Here's an old one for you.......A buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and asks "can you make me one with everything?"

Here's another.

Two kindergarten boys are standing next to each other at the school urinals. One boy has been circumcized and the other has not. The boy who has not looks over and says "what happened to you!" The other boy replies "I was circumsized" The first boy says "man, didn't that hurt?" to which the other buy replies "HURT!! I couldn't walk for a year!!"

[catfish69hunter]

wow this thread needs a bump

[Cory Keeper]

http://www.rhjunior.com/NT/Images/00004.jpghttp://www.rhjunior.com/NT/Images/00047.gifhttp://www.rhjunior.com/NT/Images/00043.gif

Anyone interested in these comics should visit http://www.rhjunior.com/NT/00001.html and start at the beginning, its quite funny really, just as a warning, it does have conservative overtones.