I have a very personal dilemma, and by posting it here I'm probably just reinforcing any negative opinions anyone may have of me, but my mom isn't answering her phone and I really need some voices of reason right now.
First of all, my grandmother on my father's side just died this evening. I didn't go up to the hospital after being informed yesterday they didn't expect her to live, and I have barely spoken to my dad in about 8yrs.
History behind this: My parents divorced when I was in my early 20's, and my brother and sister were 10 and 13. My dad was always verbally abusive and controlling, but my mom had some serious mental illnesses (anorexia, depression, hurting herself... I forget the clinical term for that..), so my dad ended up taking the kids. It was all a very ugly ordeal with my dad being angry with me for testifying against him during the custody battles, and being angry with me for renting an appartment for my mom and myself when he kicked her out rather than staying with him and leaving her homeless in the state of being she was in.
During all this, he told everyone on both sides of my family horrible lies about me and mom, like that we were doing drugs and such. Honest to God, I wouldn't know where to get drugs even if I wanted them. He told people I had different men spending nights with me all the time. I was doing 17 credit hours a semester in college and working 32hr weekends as a student xray tech at the time, leaving no time for a beer, much less drugs, parties, or men. Sadly, my grandmother and some of his side of the family were just naive and stupid enough to believe some of these things, and my own grandmother wouldn't even speak to me (the one who just died).
Now my dad is practically eating and smoking himself to death. I'd began speaking to him again, but a few months ago he fell asleep sitting on a barstool in his kitchen, fell back and hit his head on a microwave table on the way to the floor, and sprained his neck. For the next 2 months or so, he tormented my brother (who still lives with him) and sister making them wait on him hand and foot.... they even had to wipe his butt everytime he went to the bathroom. He weighs about 500lbs, and he smokes 2 1/2 cartons of cigs a week. Am I painting a vivid enough picture?
What ended our speaking though was that he was running his mouth about my little brother for going on a date during all this with his g/f. His words.. "That little 'B' ain't good for nothing" about my teenage brother who is doing all the yard work, taking care of the house, cooking all meals, working, and wiping HIS butt everyday. I got into another fight with my dad because I can't stand for him to talk to and about my little brother and sister this way. He bellows, cusses and yells at them all the time. This is how he has always been, and it was very heartbreaking when he got custody of them to begin with. I told him that if he needed care that constantly, he should hire a home healthcare nurse because it wasn't his teenage son's job to do all this 24/7... he has his own life to live. Then I told him he has no business talking about his children the way he does, calling his son a B and calling me a "S" when we're all very good and decent children. I followed that with a "do not call my house again" and that's the last we've spoken.
So now my grandmother, his mother, has died. If you were in my shoes and knew attending this funeral would open that door up again, would you go? If I don't go, that entire side of my family will absolutely hate me for good. If I do go, my toxic father is going to be there trying to push his way back into my life again. I have such confused and mixed feelings right now.. guilt for not wanting to go, a little sadness over her death eventhough we weren't very close, and disgust/nausea at the thought of being around my dad. I hate so much the pressure to do things just because it's what is expected or "the right thing to do." I'm just a horrible person, or horribly confused person, or horribly unconfident about my own judgements.
I'm so sorry that this is such an odd place to post such information, and sorry if it's terribly inappropriate. :\
First of all, my grandmother on my father's side just died this evening. I didn't go up to the hospital after being informed yesterday they didn't expect her to live, and I have barely spoken to my dad in about 8yrs.
History behind this: My parents divorced when I was in my early 20's, and my brother and sister were 10 and 13. My dad was always verbally abusive and controlling, but my mom had some serious mental illnesses (anorexia, depression, hurting herself... I forget the clinical term for that..), so my dad ended up taking the kids. It was all a very ugly ordeal with my dad being angry with me for testifying against him during the custody battles, and being angry with me for renting an appartment for my mom and myself when he kicked her out rather than staying with him and leaving her homeless in the state of being she was in.
During all this, he told everyone on both sides of my family horrible lies about me and mom, like that we were doing drugs and such. Honest to God, I wouldn't know where to get drugs even if I wanted them. He told people I had different men spending nights with me all the time. I was doing 17 credit hours a semester in college and working 32hr weekends as a student xray tech at the time, leaving no time for a beer, much less drugs, parties, or men. Sadly, my grandmother and some of his side of the family were just naive and stupid enough to believe some of these things, and my own grandmother wouldn't even speak to me (the one who just died).
Now my dad is practically eating and smoking himself to death. I'd began speaking to him again, but a few months ago he fell asleep sitting on a barstool in his kitchen, fell back and hit his head on a microwave table on the way to the floor, and sprained his neck. For the next 2 months or so, he tormented my brother (who still lives with him) and sister making them wait on him hand and foot.... they even had to wipe his butt everytime he went to the bathroom. He weighs about 500lbs, and he smokes 2 1/2 cartons of cigs a week. Am I painting a vivid enough picture?
What ended our speaking though was that he was running his mouth about my little brother for going on a date during all this with his g/f. His words.. "That little 'B' ain't good for nothing" about my teenage brother who is doing all the yard work, taking care of the house, cooking all meals, working, and wiping HIS butt everyday. I got into another fight with my dad because I can't stand for him to talk to and about my little brother and sister this way. He bellows, cusses and yells at them all the time. This is how he has always been, and it was very heartbreaking when he got custody of them to begin with. I told him that if he needed care that constantly, he should hire a home healthcare nurse because it wasn't his teenage son's job to do all this 24/7... he has his own life to live. Then I told him he has no business talking about his children the way he does, calling his son a B and calling me a "S" when we're all very good and decent children. I followed that with a "do not call my house again" and that's the last we've spoken.
So now my grandmother, his mother, has died. If you were in my shoes and knew attending this funeral would open that door up again, would you go? If I don't go, that entire side of my family will absolutely hate me for good. If I do go, my toxic father is going to be there trying to push his way back into my life again. I have such confused and mixed feelings right now.. guilt for not wanting to go, a little sadness over her death eventhough we weren't very close, and disgust/nausea at the thought of being around my dad. I hate so much the pressure to do things just because it's what is expected or "the right thing to do." I'm just a horrible person, or horribly confused person, or horribly unconfident about my own judgements.
I'm so sorry that this is such an odd place to post such information, and sorry if it's terribly inappropriate. :\
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