The should haves...

[judgemax]

As I sit here, and begin typing, Tears fill my eyes. I don't know what to say, or how to say what I do know. Its the strangest feeling ever to know someone you love is not going to live. Its difficult to track their progress into the great oblivion. Its even more difficult, because you start the mourning journey, before death even comes.

You start to wonder how many days you should have...should have spent one more hour, should have said "I love you" one more time. Should have called those many times you thought about it. Should have written the thank you note, should have eaten one more meal, one more hug, one more laugh, one more smile..the should haves pile up. They begin to suffocate you, you get that feeling in your throat. The tight painful one, It gets harder to breath, and your eyes fill with tears. The tears hang on the edge of your eyes, and the world becomes blurry.
The "should haves". The mourning begins.



The small ways you remembered things. Like that I loved chocolate covered cherries. And every Christmas, ...you didn't even buy the right kind, but I ate them any way.
The way you always sent me silly huge piles of tabloid magazines. I only read them so we had something to talk about.
The way you watched nick at night faithfully, and laughed at the same show, night after night.
You over fed the dog. Hes huge, a sausage with legs. The way you always yelled, and threw your fist up in the air when you got yahtzee , then were disappointed to realize you had already crossed it out. You could barely reach the peddles in your car, ..you had to use your tiptoes.
You would never wear socks to "town", Only nylons. Even in 12 degree weather.
The strange collection of Mcdonalds toys you had...you swore , someday, ..they would be worth something. The puzzles..God How you loved Jigsaw puzzles...You hated the phone...
The massive collection of magnets, and coffee cups. Yet you used and rinsed a **** Styrofoam cup. The funky egg lamp.



How do you describe them. How do you tell the world about them, ..share your memories? Its strange, to know some one, who you thought would always be there, thought there was one more day....is just gone...The worst part is, the memories fade...The pain fades...The should haves even fade. Occasionally, a random thing makes you remember....The should haves creep up again, sometimes, if your lucky, its bitter sweet, the memories. The should haves...The days you did have..They are never enough are they?...





(They are only letting my dad in to see my gram. I rushed to the hospital...I can't do anything. They offered me sedatives?..WTH?..They said that Its ICU, and visiting hours are over. I am sitting here...I can't sleep...I can't stop thinking. Sorry if this is depressing. I am depressed.:(


If its inappropriate, you can delete it.)

[SchizotypalVamp]

I'm so sorry, beautifully written....

[J double R]

:( im so sorry sweetie...I should have said goodbye to my grandmother... she woke up and asked for me and i wasnt there because i was too scared at 14.. i know how you feel.

[Redneck Woman]

I am so sorry this is happening.
I know all about the "should haves". You just never know what life is bringing until it's too late.
Are they gonna let your dad stay in ICU with her or are they making him leave after visiting hours?

[judgemax]

they are allowing him in, i have no idea for how long. I think, it has more to do with her, and the state she is in, Rather then just the "visiting hours".

Thank you all for your kind thoughts. I need them right now.

[captaincaveman9]

Julie,

It's not inappropriate at all to post this. I did the same thing last year. My brother in law slipped into a coma and it was a long and not pleasant experience. There were good parts in the time though. With the family around, people would remember something stupid they said or did, or how many times he made us laugh. I still fell like I missed a lot of time with him, but knowing now the impact he had in my life and seeing how he affected so many people, made me just happy he was in my life. It's not exactly the same as you, I know that, but before long the little things that remind you of them become little blessings everyday. The worst part is that it doesn't happen fast, but at least you have the time to visit.
If you need someone to talk to feel free to send me a message. I'm here for you.

[j_chicago]

Sorry to hear JM, my prayers are with you and your family

[Chill]

I'm sorry this is happening. The post is far from inappropriate the writing is quite beautiful and I'm sure that kind of love has to be some comfort to your gram.

[Lady G]

Ohh, Julz...I'm so sorry honey!! I know how hard it is to loose loved ones, our Grams and Gramps are such special ppl. It has to be so hard to be there but not be allowed to see her! I know I didn't get to see my Gramps when he was in the hospital and was not there when he passed, I felt terrible...now my Grams I was with her and actually holding her hand when she passed. Just try to stay strong sweetie, I know how hard that can be but you have to at least try..and know we are here for you, whatever you may need. If you need to yell at someone, cry, just loose it...or whatever you need we are here for you.
Don't beat yourself up over the could or should haves, it can make you crazy...just think of what you DID do and the times you DID share, do not let the other stuff eat at you honey. Life is full of could haves and should haves, it isn't that important..what you did do is.

[Rbishop]

Hang in there Judge....thinking of ya....

Very well written feelings....

[KingOfTheDeep]

very sorry to hear this julie, i'll keep you and your family in my prayers.

[OgreMkV]

I'm so sorry JMax, but if you dwell on the should have beens, then you might not remember the things you did have.

[dpenguinfish]

i just lot some1 2 my great grandma
i feel ya

[noodles62]

I am so sorry for your pain. I lost my mom a few years back. It is so hard to lose a loved one but with time it will get easier...Remember all of the good times and good things about your Gram. She will also take those wonderful memories with her.
God bless.

[Dangerdoll]

Oh gosh, Julez! It's tough to hear this but it's beautifully written. My prayers and thoughts are with you and your famiky through this, know that you can always call on me too if not just to scream at. And remember, you will never get over this but you will learn to live with it...it's a hard road and we have your back, sweetie.

[The Zigman]

Being someone who has lost all my grandparents, my father, and step father, I can just speak of experience...

I am sure your gram knows without a doubt that you love her, and that is all that matters. Unfortunately she might not even be aware of what is happening and the fact that you are not in the room.

I watched my dad ( actually my step-dad) take his last breath and die, and it ws the hardest thing I have ever endured in my life. I wish over and over that I was not in the room when he died. Its been 14 years since he passed and it still brings me to tears to think about that day. I never really told him I loved him, until I was standing at the grave, but he knew I did, and that's what matters...

Greiving is different for everyone, you have to take it day by day and eventually things get better, both the good memories and the bad are all that remain and we all have to deal with those in our own way.

My grandma never cried when my grandpa died, they were married for 47 years...
I locked myself in a closet and cried for hours when my dad died...

Watching someone pass is never an easy thing, my grandpa had cancer and slowly withered away, we were almost releived when he passed away. but knowing he is in a better place, and no longer suffering helps take away some of the pain...

the memories are all that remain...
day by day... things will get better.
Dont be afraid to cry. even if you have to hide in the closet to do it.


My thoughts are with you...

[judgemax]

I can't express how much all of your kind words mean to me.

Its hard to know that she is going. I guess I just assumed she would always be there. She has survived so much. Its hard to know that she won't be there to share the stories of the depression, Of ccc camps, and nickel loaves of bread, To share the "secrets" of her cooking, And all the other things she shared with me, with my children.

Its hard to physically talk about it. I choke up. This is so much easier. I again, truly appreciate you all lending me your ears.


She is doing well, She is not laboring to breath, although she is still unresponsive, she just looks as if she is sleeping.

I think, I am holding hope, that maybe being in a coma is restful, and helping her body save energy to fight the infection. I know this is a dangerous area of thought, Since her living will dictates no resuscitative measures. She feels she has lived a full life. This I think, is sometimes the hardest thing for me to accept. Although, I understand her wishes, From the greedy standpoint of a "loved one left behind" I want them to do everything possible to Keep her here.

Again, thank you all. Its much easier to cry in front of a screen, then in front of another person.

[jpappy789]

Oh julz, I am so sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Just stay strong, we all know you will make it through.

[Radar]

Oh Judgemax I so feel for you honey,my thoughts and prayers are with you.I was so young when I lost my Grandparents and my Father that it did not greatly affect me but when I lost my Mom I thought I was going to die.I worked for her for over 20 years and was with her 6 days a week,9 and 10 hours a day,she not only was my Mom but my best friend.She developed breast cancer and was a stage 4 already and only lasted 5 months at the age of 61.It has been 15 years since she left us and I can still set and have a good cry.But most of the time now when I think of her it is the fun times and what she gave me in life and what a wonderful strong woman she was.It does get easier with time to get past the pain and remember the good stuff.If you get in to see her tell her how much you love her and what she has meant to you, I always have believed that even tho they are not able to respond back with you they can hear every thing you say.Again know you have a lot of people thinking of you and yours.

[judgemax]

Well, As of 2:50 pm, she has passed. :(

[J double R]

:( aww sweetie i'm sorry to hear that.... she's no longer in pain, and thats what you gotta remember. if you need anything at all, you know where to find us, hun.

[Dangerdoll]

***hugs***

[Hurley]

I'm so sorry to hear that hun. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

[Madcrawdad]

Sorry for your loss, JM.

[Lady G]

*HUGS*...so sorry Julez, if ya need a ear or anything I"m here hun!!

[duke33]

I've been there too....you made me cry...

[rich311k]

I am sorry, you and your family will be in my prayers.

I lost My Mom last February and as tiimes goes by it gets easier. I really only have happy thoughts of her now.

[judgemax]

Thank you again for all your thoughts and prayers. Now, I just need to make it threw the next couple of days..

[duke33]

you will..it just does'nt feel like it.

[IceH2O]

JM, I know how you feel. I had already moved down south before my grandparents died and didn't find out till after they died. It had been years since I had even seen them which made it worse. I won't go into the story of why we moved here but it had to do with fighting between my moms parents and her parents. Long story short my grandfather wrote my mom apologizing and asked us to come up for Christmas.She waited to long to reply and he committed suicide. The letter was in the mailbox when we arrived. I still hate my mom to this day for that. My other grandfather died after a fall then my dads mother died shortly after,she just gave up on life and wasted away. If we had been up there I feel we could have prevented that. My grandmother on my moms side I didn't even make the funeral. Again my parents are to blame as they wouldn't lend me the money to go to NY with them.

But I'm getting off track. Its the memories you need to remember and not the should haves.

Hope you get to feeling better and that the memories carry you for your lifetime.

[dogyluver]

I'm so sorry for the pain you are feeling right now. It is a very difficult time. Try to focus on her life and not her death. It helps, you will never forget her. The sound of her voice or her smile. These memories will help you get through the tough times.
Take care of yourself,
Pam

[dogyluver]

I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. It is a difficult time
I know this is very hard but try to focus on the good times, and the little things
that mean so much. You will never forget the look on her face or her smile or the sound of her voice. Find comfort in friends here that's what we're all here for to help one another.
Pam