So... anyone got a joke or something?
- Thread starter Cheech
- Start date
on second thought, go look in the member pics under sumthin fishy
Q; how do a blondes braincells die?
A; alone!
A blonde was sitting outside a store on the curb crying..the mamager spotted her outside and went outside and asked the blonde whats wrong....she said my mom just die.......the manager says i am sorry...just then her cell phone starts ringing she answers it and says omg are you serious!!........she hangs up and the manager asks who was that....the blonde says my sister.....her mom just died too!
A; alone!
A blonde was sitting outside a store on the curb crying..the mamager spotted her outside and went outside and asked the blonde whats wrong....she said my mom just die.......the manager says i am sorry...just then her cell phone starts ringing she answers it and says omg are you serious!!........she hangs up and the manager asks who was that....the blonde says my sister.....her mom just died too!
How about some riddles?
1 A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three
rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of
assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't
eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over
5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out
together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
3 What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, a nd gray when
you throw it away ?
4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words
Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?
5 This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you
can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and
plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing
is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think
about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at
it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!
THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:
1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.
That one was easy, right?
2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband,
developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).
3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.
4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and
tomorrow!
5. The letter e, which is the most common letter used in the English
language, does not appear even once in the paragraph
1 A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three
rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of
assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't
eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over
5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out
together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
3 What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, a nd gray when
you throw it away ?
4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words
Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?
5 This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you
can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and
plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing
is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think
about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at
it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!
THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:
1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.
That one was easy, right?
2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband,
developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).
3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.
4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and
tomorrow!
5. The letter e, which is the most common letter used in the English
language, does not appear even once in the paragraph
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM . . 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.' 'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.' 'How much do you charge?' 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor. 'I'll sleep on it,' I said. Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked. 'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!' 'Is that so! With an attitude he asked . . and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?' 'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now !
Medicare in a Nutshell
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."
"Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's
biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which
one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS.
We can't tell which is your husband's."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.
If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."
"Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's
biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which
one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS.
We can't tell which is your husband's."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.
If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
FOUR CATHOLIC MOTHERS were having coffee together and discussing how wonderful their children are:
The first mother tells her friends, 'My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'.
The second Catholic woman chirps, 'Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'.
The third Catholic woman says smugly, 'Well, not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'.
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle 'Well...?'
She replies, 'My son is a handsome, 6'3', hard-bodied, Chippendale's stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, all the women say, 'Oh, my God!''
The first mother tells her friends, 'My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'.
The second Catholic woman chirps, 'Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'.
The third Catholic woman says smugly, 'Well, not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'.
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle 'Well...?'
She replies, 'My son is a handsome, 6'3', hard-bodied, Chippendale's stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, all the women say, 'Oh, my God!''
Financial planning
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away, and he decided to approach her.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few months, my father will die and I'll inherit 50 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card, and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away, and he decided to approach her.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few months, my father will die and I'll inherit 50 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card, and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
"Good Ole Boy" Story
[FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif]A North Carolina State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 [/FONT]
[FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif]miles north of [/FONT][FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif]the South Carolina/North Carolina State line.[/FONT]
[FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif]When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver[/FONT]
[FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif]answered that [/FONT][FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif]he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to[/FONT]
[FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif]Fayetteville to do a [/FONT][FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif]show that night at the Fort Bragg NCO Club and didn't want to be [/FONT][FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif]late. The [/FONT][FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif]Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the[/FONT][FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif] driver would [/FONT][FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif]do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.[/FONT][FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif] The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment[/FONT][FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif] on ahead and [/FONT][FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif]didn't have anything to juggle.[/FONT]
[FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif]The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his[/FONT]
[FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif]patrol car and [/FONT][FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif]asked if he could juggle them.[/FONT]
[FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif]The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares,[/FONT]
[FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif] lit them and [/FONT][FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif]handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling [/FONT][FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif]act, a car [/FONT][FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif]pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk good old boy, from S.C., [/FONT][FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif]got out and [/FONT][FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif]watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol [/FONT][FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif]car, opened [/FONT][FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif]the rear door and got in. The Trooper observed him doing this and [/FONT][FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif]went over to [/FONT][FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif]the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought [/FONT][FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif]he was[/FONT][FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif] doing.[/FONT]
[FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif]The drunk replied, "You might as well take my butt to jail, cause[/FONT]
[FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif]there ain't no [/FONT][FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif] way that I can pass that test."[/FONT]
[FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif]A North Carolina State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 [/FONT]
[FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif]miles north of [/FONT][FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif]the South Carolina/North Carolina State line.[/FONT]
[FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif]When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver[/FONT]
[FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif]answered that [/FONT][FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif]he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to[/FONT]
[FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif]Fayetteville to do a [/FONT][FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif]show that night at the Fort Bragg NCO Club and didn't want to be [/FONT][FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif]late. The [/FONT][FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif]Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the[/FONT][FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif] driver would [/FONT][FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif]do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.[/FONT][FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif] The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment[/FONT][FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif] on ahead and [/FONT][FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif]didn't have anything to juggle.[/FONT]
[FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif]The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his[/FONT]
[FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif]patrol car and [/FONT][FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif]asked if he could juggle them.[/FONT]
[FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif]The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares,[/FONT]
[FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif] lit them and [/FONT][FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif]handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling [/FONT][FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif]act, a car [/FONT][FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif]pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk good old boy, from S.C., [/FONT][FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif]got out and [/FONT][FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif]watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol [/FONT][FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif]car, opened [/FONT][FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif]the rear door and got in. The Trooper observed him doing this and [/FONT][FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif]went over to [/FONT][FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif]the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought [/FONT][FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif]he was[/FONT][FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif] doing.[/FONT]
[FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif]The drunk replied, "You might as well take my butt to jail, cause[/FONT]
[FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif]there ain't no [/FONT][FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif] way that I can pass that test."[/FONT]