What to do?

[IceH2O]

I'm not one to usually ask others opinions but I'm kind of stuck.

Long story short...

I live in a duplex. Greatest neighbor in the world just moved out,quiet as a mouse.

New neighbors are a couple early 20s. They,like my wife and I at the time, have some big fights.Problem is I THINK he hits her. My wife said she heard the girl say it doesn't give you the right to hit me. I thought I heard her say once you are hurting me. I can't just call the cops as I don't know for sure he is doing anything and the few times I do see her I haven't seen any evidence. I did talk to him the other day and let him know we can hear the fights. I didn't mention I thought he was hitting her. I asked that they fight in the living room and close the doors to the bedrooms so my 6 year old doesn't hear the language that he uses. I was also hoping he got the hint that we can hear ALL that is being said and will realize that if he his hitting her we would know.

What options do I have here? I don't want them kicked out because I'm afraid if he does hit her that where ever they live next the neighbors won't care. I can't call the cops just because I think she is being hit without proof.
How can I approach her and let her know if she is being hit that she can come to our door no matter the time for protection? I can't do nothing and feel terrible that I haven't done anything in the 2 weeks they've been here. If it was my daughter I'd kill him but thats not an option lol.

[justahannah]

Does he work/do you have an idea of the schedule they keep? I'd go on the pretext of borrowing an egg or cup of sugar (just in case) when you think he's not home, and if he isn't, then I'd make the offer of friendship/help to the woman. This can be repeated as many times as needed to get a chance to chat with her w/o his presence (although you might want to share some baked goods with them if it turns into a lot of borrowed staples :P) Sometimes just knowing there's a better option, someone that cares, and that it's bad enough to cause other people worry is enough to give a person the courage to make the change...
And if you ever see/hear proof, call the cops. They know how to handle domestic violence cases.

[Dangerdoll]

the problem is, if they are fighting and he is hitting her, it's unlikely that she will divulge that info to you because that's just what an abuser does. They hide the truth and make excuses for the attacker as long as they are in the situation. You can call the cops if they are fighting, regardless if you hear oor know if there is physical abuse going on. The best they can do is go to the place and see the situation for themselves. If they are fresh out of an argument, there will be physical evidence that close after the argument and he will be arrested. My thoughts are maybe have your wife befriend the girl and see where that friendship takes to.... maybe she will talk to her about it eventually.

[IceH2O]

Tried to get my wife to go over and talk to her. My wife has been in that position in the past and says it doesn't matter to talk to her. She herself was told hundreds of times to leave and didn't until he ended up in jail for something else. The fear of what he would do to her if she left was to great.

I'd hate to call the cops for a fight and have it end up being a cry wolf situation. I agree that she probably wouldn't divulge to us she was being hit either.

On one hand I can't sit back and let this happen but on the other hand I don't want to put my wife and kids into an unsafe predicament. I don't know that if the girl came to the house that the guy wouldn't follow and harm them in the process.

I've decided the best course of action is to let her know that we know and if she needs a safe escape to come over if I'm home or just to leave and go someplace safe it I'm not but how do I even word something like that. I don't know them from Adam and to just go over there like that would be strange. If she isn't being hit I don't want tension between us and her telling him what we said.

Most of the fights are early morning or late at night so I'm usually home. There have been many fights but only twice that we thought something might have happened.
Don't ask me to befriend him, he is a punk that wouldn't even look me in the eye when I introduced myself and I know I have nothing in common with him plus the fact that just thinking he might be hitting her makes me want to kill him.

Maybe next time I hear a fight and if I hear her say something about being hit I'll walk over to get them to quiet it down and see if I can tell if she had been hit or not.

[Dangerdoll]

just be careful, Ice....

want to edit my first post, I meant the abusee wpouldn't say anything and would make excuses for the one who was abusing her, but I think you knew what I was getting at.

[Redneck Woman]

I totally agree with DD. Call the police!! Your first responsibility is to protect your family. Whatever you decide to do be careful! These guys are idiots!

[jbradt]

The fact that you can hear their fights is all the reason you need to call the police. If you call them in the moment, they will definitely come out. If he's hitting her, odds are they'll be able to notice it. You can tell the cops when you call that you don't want to be identified to the people in question.

I've worked as a victim's advocate with the local police around here, and they're usually really good at things like this. In short, DD is 100% spot on.

Good luck.

[tennesseemom]

I would also like to add that you should talk to your 6 year old about this. I'm sure she is scared (I was and still am when I hear people fighting) and to let her know she is safe with you guys, and explain about why people have disagreements but yelling and hitting isn't right, etc.