Headlines [Archive] - Aquaria Central

Lexi_D

12-06-2008, 11:47 AM

Does anyone else get these emails? lol :D anyway, I thought everyone'd get a good laugh out of these. Enjoy! :thm:

THE YEAR'S BEST (actual)
HEADLINES OF 2006:The year's gone by, but
they are pretty neat, so...enjoy!

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really?

PoliceBegin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

Is There a Ring of Debris
around Uranus?
Whaaat??

Panda Mating Fails;
Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work
after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!

Juvenile Court to Try
Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly,
It May Last Awhile
You think?!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain;
PoliceSuspect Homicide
They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]

Man Struck By Lightning:
Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame for
Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts
Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by
7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that sign right?

Lexi_D

12-06-2008, 5:43 PM

Got them!! I didn't make ANY of these up, they were all copied from pictures that the computer wouldn't let me post. :/

“Tiger Woods Plays with own balls, Nike says”

“Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25”

“Question: What constitutes a millionaire?
Answer: A millionaire is someone who has $1 million, according to Jerry Beto, branch manager and senior vice president of investments at AG Edwards and Sons.”

“One-armed Man Applauds the Kindness of Strangers”

“A deputy responded to a report of a vehicle stopping at mailboxes. It was the mailman.”

“ARMY VEHICLE DISAPPEARS
An Australian army vehicle worth $74,000 has gone missing after being painted with camouflage.”

“Theft: A woman in the 1900 block of 129th Lane Northeast reported Oct. 15 that someone must have stolen her mail, because she did not receive birthday cards from some of her friends.”

“Fish need water, Feds say”

“Alton attorney accidentally sues himself”

“Correction
Due to incorrect information received from the Clerk of Courts Office, Diane K. Merchant, 38, was incorrectly listed as being fined for prostitution in Wednesday’s paper. The charge should have been failure to stop at a railroad crossing. The Public Opinion apologizes for the error.”

“County to pay $250,000 to advertise lack of funds”

“Caskets Found as Workers Demolish Mausoleum
‘We had no idea anyone was buried there’.”

“Utah Poison Control Center reminds everyone not to take poison”

“Police: Crack found in Man’s Buttocks”

“Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons”

“1:14 a.m. --- Caller reports hitting an intruder in the head with an axe. Notes that the intruder ‘was in the mirror.’”

“Wal-Mart: Police receive a report of a newborn infant found in a trash can. Upon investigation, officers discover it was only a burrito.”

“MAN IN DIAPER DIRECTS TRAFFIC
Zack A. Neubert of Saxonburg, VA., was observed in the middle of a roadway wearing only tennis shoes and an adult diaper at 6:43 p.m. Saturday, according to Indiana borough police. Neubert was also directing traffic and performing martial arts with a stick. He was cited for public drunkenness and disorderly conduct.”

“1:33 p.m., Sonora – A man came to the Sheriff’s Department to ‘find out how to legally kill’ a person who was harassing him.”

“A caller reported at 7:14 p.m. that someone was on a porch yelling ‘help’ from a residence on Bank Street. Officers responded and learned the person was calling a cat that is named ‘Help’.

“At 12:22 p.m., a cellular caller reported a large snapping turtle in the roadway at Elm Street and Crescent Road. The turtle fled the area undetected.”

“2:58 p.m. --- The Learning Center on Hanson Street reports a man across the way stands at his window for hours watching the center, making parents nervous. Police ID the subject as a cardboard cutout of Arnold Schwartzenegger.”

“Dog attack- Lower Duck Pond, Lithia Park, Ashland. Police responded to a report of two dogs running loose and attacking ducks at about 11:20 a.m. Sunday. The officer cited a resident for the loose dogs. The duck refused medical treatment and left the area, according to police records.”

“3:56 p.m. – Dispatch, report of Swanson chicken pot-pie running east on Clay Street.”

“Police checked the area and found an open door in the back of the building. An officer went inside and called out ‘Marco’. … Police found the suspect after he responded ‘Polo’.”

ADVERTISEMENTS

“FOR SALE- collection of old people.”

“WANTED: Somebody to go back in time with me. This is not a joke. PO Box 322, Oakview, CA 93022. You’ll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety not guaranteed. I have only done this once before.”

“USED TOILET PAPER --- For Sale. I have a wide selection of brands and designs, call for details and prices.”

“HUMAN SKULL, USED ONCE only. Not plastic. $200 OBO.”
“TOMBSTONE: Standard gray. A good buy for someone named Grady. Call: asdfasdf.”

“1995 NISSAN Maxima, green, leather, loaded, CD, auto start, sunroof, 4-door, good condition, $4500. Not for sale.”