Can't remember if I posted this or not but here you go (THESE ARE FOR REAL!!!) Some of them are headlines, and some are classifieds or police reportings:
“Tiger Woods Plays with own balls, Nike says”
“Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25”
“Question: What constitutes a millionaire?
Answer: A millionaire is someone who has $1 million, according to Jerry Beto, branch manager and senior vice president of investments at AG Edwards and Sons.”
“One-armed Man Applauds the Kindness of Strangers”
“A deputy responded to a report of a vehicle stopping at mailboxes. It was the mailman.”
“ARMY VEHICLE DISAPPEARS
An Australian army vehicle worth $74,000 has gone missing after being painted with camouflage.”
“Theft: A woman in the 1900 block of 129th Lane Northeast reported Oct. 15 that someone must have stolen her mail, because she did not receive birthday cards from some of her friends.”
“Fish need water, Feds say”
“Alton attorney accidentally sues himself”
“Correction
Due to incorrect information received from the Clerk of Courts Office, Diane K. Merchant, 38, was incorrectly listed as being fined for prostitution in Wednesday’s paper. The charge should have been failure to stop at a railroad crossing. The Public Opinion apologizes for the error.”
“County to pay $250,000 to advertise lack of funds”
“Caskets Found as Workers Demolish Mausoleum
‘We had no idea anyone was buried there’.”
“Utah Poison Control Center reminds everyone not to take poison”
“Police: Crack found in Man’s Buttocks”
“Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons”
“1:14 a.m. --- Caller reports hitting an intruder in the head with an axe. Notes that the intruder ‘was in the mirror.’”
“Wal-Mart: Police receive a report of a newborn infant found in a trash can. Upon investigation, officers discover it was only a burrito.”
“MAN IN DIAPER DIRECTS TRAFFIC
Zack A. Neubert of Saxonburg, VA., was observed in the middle of a roadway wearing only tennis shoes and an adult diaper at 6:43 p.m. Saturday, according to Indiana borough police. Neubert was also directing traffic and performing martial arts with a stick. He was cited for public drunkenness and disorderly conduct.”
“1:33 p.m., Sonora – A man came to the Sheriff’s Department to ‘find out how to legally kill’ a person who was harassing him.”
“A caller reported at 7:14 p.m. that someone was on a porch yelling ‘help’ from a residence on Bank Street. Officers responded and learned the person was calling a cat that is named ‘Help’.
“At 12:22 p.m., a cellular caller reported a large snapping turtle in the roadway at Elm Street and Crescent Road. The turtle fled the area undetected.”
“2:58 p.m. --- The Learning Center on Hanson Street reports a man across the way stands at his window for hours watching the center, making parents nervous. Police ID the subject as a cardboard cutout of Arnold Schwartzenegger.”
“Dog attack- Lower Duck Pond, Lithia Park, Ashland. Police responded to a report of two dogs running loose and attacking ducks at about 11:20 a.m. Sunday. The officer cited a resident for the loose dogs. The duck refused medical treatment and left the area, according to police records.”
“3:56 p.m. – Dispatch, report of Swanson chicken pot-pie running east on Clay Street.”
“Police checked the area and found an open door in the back of the building. An officer went inside and called out ‘Marco’. … Police found the suspect after he responded ‘Polo’.”
ADVERTISEMENTS
“FOR SALE- collection of old people.”
“WANTED: Somebody to go back in time with me. This is not a joke. PO Box 322, Oakview, CA 93022. You’ll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety not guaranteed. I have only done this once before.”
“USED TOILET PAPER --- For Sale. I have a wide selection of brands and designs, call for details and prices.”
“HUMAN SKULL, USED ONCE only. Not plastic. $200 OBO.”
“TOMBSTONE: Standard gray. A good buy for someone named Grady. Call: ----------.”
“1995 NISSAN Maxima, green, leather, loaded, CD, auto start, sunroof, 4-door, good condition, $4500. Not for sale.”
“Tiger Woods Plays with own balls, Nike says”
“Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25”
“Question: What constitutes a millionaire?
Answer: A millionaire is someone who has $1 million, according to Jerry Beto, branch manager and senior vice president of investments at AG Edwards and Sons.”
“One-armed Man Applauds the Kindness of Strangers”
“A deputy responded to a report of a vehicle stopping at mailboxes. It was the mailman.”
“ARMY VEHICLE DISAPPEARS
An Australian army vehicle worth $74,000 has gone missing after being painted with camouflage.”
“Theft: A woman in the 1900 block of 129th Lane Northeast reported Oct. 15 that someone must have stolen her mail, because she did not receive birthday cards from some of her friends.”
“Fish need water, Feds say”
“Alton attorney accidentally sues himself”
“Correction
Due to incorrect information received from the Clerk of Courts Office, Diane K. Merchant, 38, was incorrectly listed as being fined for prostitution in Wednesday’s paper. The charge should have been failure to stop at a railroad crossing. The Public Opinion apologizes for the error.”
“County to pay $250,000 to advertise lack of funds”
“Caskets Found as Workers Demolish Mausoleum
‘We had no idea anyone was buried there’.”
“Utah Poison Control Center reminds everyone not to take poison”
“Police: Crack found in Man’s Buttocks”
“Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons”
“1:14 a.m. --- Caller reports hitting an intruder in the head with an axe. Notes that the intruder ‘was in the mirror.’”
“Wal-Mart: Police receive a report of a newborn infant found in a trash can. Upon investigation, officers discover it was only a burrito.”
“MAN IN DIAPER DIRECTS TRAFFIC
Zack A. Neubert of Saxonburg, VA., was observed in the middle of a roadway wearing only tennis shoes and an adult diaper at 6:43 p.m. Saturday, according to Indiana borough police. Neubert was also directing traffic and performing martial arts with a stick. He was cited for public drunkenness and disorderly conduct.”
“1:33 p.m., Sonora – A man came to the Sheriff’s Department to ‘find out how to legally kill’ a person who was harassing him.”
“A caller reported at 7:14 p.m. that someone was on a porch yelling ‘help’ from a residence on Bank Street. Officers responded and learned the person was calling a cat that is named ‘Help’.
“At 12:22 p.m., a cellular caller reported a large snapping turtle in the roadway at Elm Street and Crescent Road. The turtle fled the area undetected.”
“2:58 p.m. --- The Learning Center on Hanson Street reports a man across the way stands at his window for hours watching the center, making parents nervous. Police ID the subject as a cardboard cutout of Arnold Schwartzenegger.”
“Dog attack- Lower Duck Pond, Lithia Park, Ashland. Police responded to a report of two dogs running loose and attacking ducks at about 11:20 a.m. Sunday. The officer cited a resident for the loose dogs. The duck refused medical treatment and left the area, according to police records.”
“3:56 p.m. – Dispatch, report of Swanson chicken pot-pie running east on Clay Street.”
“Police checked the area and found an open door in the back of the building. An officer went inside and called out ‘Marco’. … Police found the suspect after he responded ‘Polo’.”
ADVERTISEMENTS
“FOR SALE- collection of old people.”
“WANTED: Somebody to go back in time with me. This is not a joke. PO Box 322, Oakview, CA 93022. You’ll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety not guaranteed. I have only done this once before.”
“USED TOILET PAPER --- For Sale. I have a wide selection of brands and designs, call for details and prices.”
“HUMAN SKULL, USED ONCE only. Not plastic. $200 OBO.”
“TOMBSTONE: Standard gray. A good buy for someone named Grady. Call: ----------.”
“1995 NISSAN Maxima, green, leather, loaded, CD, auto start, sunroof, 4-door, good condition, $4500. Not for sale.”
