Mammograms --- or The Jaws of Life
>
> I know my memory's fading. I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I
> chose a seat next to a man and his wife in the waiting room. Both the
> chairs and conversations were so comfortable that before long I'd
totally
> forgotten why I was there and asked the man. So...what are you here
for?
>
> Talk about a show stopper.
>
> Dead silence just as Nurse Ratchet announced my name in her best
baritone
> voice. I thought, Great.....a name to match the idiot. I rushed past
the
> giggles and hurried after the angel of no mercy. Rounding the corner,
I
was
> met with, Hi ! I'm Belinda! This perky clipboard carrier smiled from
ear
> to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, All I need you to
do
is
> step into this room right here,strip to the waist, then slip on
this
> gown. Everything clear?
>
> I'm thinking, Belinda...try decaf. This ain't rocket science.
>
> Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
>
> Call me crazy, but I suspect a man invented this machine. It takes a
> perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B to a size 38-LONG in less than 60
> seconds. Also, girls aren't made of sugar and spice and everything
> nice...it's Spandex. We can be stretched, pulled and twisted over a
cold
> 4-inch piece of square glass and still pop back into shape.
>
> With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the
left
> and said, Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad
so we
> can get everything? Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and
out of
> air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and
> finish me off?
>
> My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity when we heard,
then
> felt, zap! Complete darkness. What? I yelled.
>
> Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag. Belinda headed for
the
> door.
>
> Excuse me! You're not leaving are you? I shouted.
>
> Belinda kept going and said, Oh, you fussy puppy....the door's wide
open
> so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be rightttttbackkkk.
>
> Before I could shout...NO; she disappeared.
>
> And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men
> extraordinaire,found me, half-naked and parts of me dangling from the
Jaws
> of Life. After exchanging polite Hi, how's it going type greetings,
Bubba
> (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power
was
> off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness
as
> possible. Uh,yes...yes we did, thanks.
>
> You bet, Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though we'd been
standing in
> the line at the grocery store.
>
> Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and making
no
> attempt to suppress her amusement, she said. Oh I am soooo sorry! The
power
> came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to
lunch.
> Are we upset?
>
> And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the
> clamps...
>
> I know my memory's fading. I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I
> chose a seat next to a man and his wife in the waiting room. Both the
> chairs and conversations were so comfortable that before long I'd
totally
> forgotten why I was there and asked the man. So...what are you here
for?
>
> Talk about a show stopper.
>
> Dead silence just as Nurse Ratchet announced my name in her best
baritone
> voice. I thought, Great.....a name to match the idiot. I rushed past
the
> giggles and hurried after the angel of no mercy. Rounding the corner,
I
was
> met with, Hi ! I'm Belinda! This perky clipboard carrier smiled from
ear
> to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, All I need you to
do
is
> step into this room right here,strip to the waist, then slip on
this
> gown. Everything clear?
>
> I'm thinking, Belinda...try decaf. This ain't rocket science.
>
> Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
>
> Call me crazy, but I suspect a man invented this machine. It takes a
> perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B to a size 38-LONG in less than 60
> seconds. Also, girls aren't made of sugar and spice and everything
> nice...it's Spandex. We can be stretched, pulled and twisted over a
cold
> 4-inch piece of square glass and still pop back into shape.
>
> With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the
left
> and said, Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad
so we
> can get everything? Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and
out of
> air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and
> finish me off?
>
> My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity when we heard,
then
> felt, zap! Complete darkness. What? I yelled.
>
> Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag. Belinda headed for
the
> door.
>
> Excuse me! You're not leaving are you? I shouted.
>
> Belinda kept going and said, Oh, you fussy puppy....the door's wide
open
> so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be rightttttbackkkk.
>
> Before I could shout...NO; she disappeared.
>
> And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men
> extraordinaire,found me, half-naked and parts of me dangling from the
Jaws
> of Life. After exchanging polite Hi, how's it going type greetings,
Bubba
> (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power
was
> off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness
as
> possible. Uh,yes...yes we did, thanks.
>
> You bet, Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though we'd been
standing in
> the line at the grocery store.
>
> Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and making
no
> attempt to suppress her amusement, she said. Oh I am soooo sorry! The
power
> came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to
lunch.
> Are we upset?
>
> And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the
> clamps...
