UncaBret
12-22-2005, 7:25 PM
Dear Everyone,
>
> My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you
> who have taken the
> time and trouble to send me your e-mail "forwards"
> over the past 12 months.
> Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed,
> and wealthy.
>
> Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat
> crap in the glue on
> envelopes 'cause I now have to go get a wet towel
> every time I need to
> seal an envelope.
>
> Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the
> same reason.
> Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola
> because it can
> remove toilet stains.
>
> I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the
> people who make these
> products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God"
> on their cans.
>
> I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because
> it causes cancer.
> I no longer check the coin return on pay phones
> because I could be
> pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
>
> I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even
> though I smell like a
> water buffalo on a hot day.
>
> I no longer go to shopping malls because someone
> might drug me with a
> perfume sample and rob me.
>
> I no longer receive packages from nor send packages
> by UPS or Fed Ex
> since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
>
> I no longer answer the phone because someone will
> ask me to dial a
> number for which I will get a phone bill with calls
> to Jamaica, Uganda,
> Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
>
> I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are
> actually horrible
> mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
>
> I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will
> change once I receive my free
> replacement pair from Nike.
>
> I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from
> Neiman Marcus since I
> now have their recipe.
>
> I no longer worry about my soul because at last
> count I have 363,214
> angels looking out for me.
>
> Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers
> my prayers if I
> forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a
> wish within five
> minutes.
>
> I can no longer play in the balls at McDonald's,
> Burger King or any
> other playgrounds. More Aids infected needles and
> razor blades.
>
> I now have the entire collection of the Arkansas
> Hallmark Greeting
> cards, "Happy Birthday Uncle Dad" is my favorite
> one.
>
> I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a
> sick girl who is
> about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th
> time).
>
> I no longer have any money at all - but that will
> change once I receive the
> $15,000/forward that Microsoft and AOL are sending
> me for participating in
> their special email program.
>
> And I can't forget the advice to get the 1000 mg
> Fukitol pills to cure
> my depression, money problems and all other
> ailments.
>
> Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out
> for me that I will now
> return the favor...
>
> If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000
> people in the next 7
> minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of
> diarrhea will land on
> your head at 5:00 PM (CST) this afternoon. I know
> this will occur because it
> actually happened to a friend of my next door
> neighbor's
> ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
> beautician.
>
> Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all of you.
>
> Thanks & Stay Safe
I thought ya'll might like this
>
> My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you
> who have taken the
> time and trouble to send me your e-mail "forwards"
> over the past 12 months.
> Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed,
> and wealthy.
>
> Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat
> crap in the glue on
> envelopes 'cause I now have to go get a wet towel
> every time I need to
> seal an envelope.
>
> Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the
> same reason.
> Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola
> because it can
> remove toilet stains.
>
> I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the
> people who make these
> products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God"
> on their cans.
>
> I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because
> it causes cancer.
> I no longer check the coin return on pay phones
> because I could be
> pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
>
> I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even
> though I smell like a
> water buffalo on a hot day.
>
> I no longer go to shopping malls because someone
> might drug me with a
> perfume sample and rob me.
>
> I no longer receive packages from nor send packages
> by UPS or Fed Ex
> since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
>
> I no longer answer the phone because someone will
> ask me to dial a
> number for which I will get a phone bill with calls
> to Jamaica, Uganda,
> Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
>
> I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are
> actually horrible
> mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
>
> I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will
> change once I receive my free
> replacement pair from Nike.
>
> I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from
> Neiman Marcus since I
> now have their recipe.
>
> I no longer worry about my soul because at last
> count I have 363,214
> angels looking out for me.
>
> Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers
> my prayers if I
> forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a
> wish within five
> minutes.
>
> I can no longer play in the balls at McDonald's,
> Burger King or any
> other playgrounds. More Aids infected needles and
> razor blades.
>
> I now have the entire collection of the Arkansas
> Hallmark Greeting
> cards, "Happy Birthday Uncle Dad" is my favorite
> one.
>
> I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a
> sick girl who is
> about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th
> time).
>
> I no longer have any money at all - but that will
> change once I receive the
> $15,000/forward that Microsoft and AOL are sending
> me for participating in
> their special email program.
>
> And I can't forget the advice to get the 1000 mg
> Fukitol pills to cure
> my depression, money problems and all other
> ailments.
>
> Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out
> for me that I will now
> return the favor...
>
> If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000
> people in the next 7
> minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of
> diarrhea will land on
> your head at 5:00 PM (CST) this afternoon. I know
> this will occur because it
> actually happened to a friend of my next door
> neighbor's
> ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
> beautician.
>
> Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all of you.
>
> Thanks & Stay Safe
I thought ya'll might like this