View Full Version : The daily joke thread
daniel364
11-02-2006, 2:11 PM
This something that blue thought of due to my naf jokes on the chat room.
This a thread where you can post any jokes, one liners to storyies. AC is full of people that love to tell jokes or have a giggle so when your hvaing a bad time come and have a laugh here!BTW doesnt have to be daily, if you get told a joke just post here!
(not too rude jokes. naf= rubbish)
il start it off...
Why should you be freinds with a mushroom?
Because they're fungi's to be with! :)
Cheech
11-02-2006, 3:36 PM
what do you call a deer with no eyes???
.
.
.
.
no eye'deer.. ;)
what do you call a deer standing still, with no eyes??
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Still no eye'deer.. :D
aardvark1
11-02-2006, 3:51 PM
what do you call a deer standing still, with no eyes, this time of the year here in Georgia?
Venison!
Blueiz
11-02-2006, 4:00 PM
This something that blue thought of due to my naf jokes on the chat room.
This a thread where you can post any jokes, one liners to storyies. AC is full of people that love to tell jokes or have a giggle so when your hvaing a bad time come and have a laugh here!BTW doesnt have to be daily, if you get told a joke just post here!
(not too rude jokes. naf= rubbish)
il start it off...
Why should you be freinds with a mushroom?
Because they're fungi's to be with! :)
:D
5TankHarmony
11-02-2006, 8:28 PM
A couple of good one-liners:
I'm in the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program- I have to go door to door and tell everyone I'm somebody else.
I wanted to start working out, so I went to my doctor and ask him where to start- he says that I'm not in good enough shape. I say great, send me the bill after I pay you.
aquaman325
11-02-2006, 8:32 PM
A couple of good one-liners:
I'm in the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program- I have to go door to door and tell everyone I'm somebody else.
I wanted to start working out, so I went to my doctor and ask him where to start- he says that I'm not in good enough shape. I say great, send me the bill after I pay you.
haha......those are great!
I wanted to start working out, so I went to my doctor and ask him where to start- he says that I'm not in good enough shape. I say great, send me the bill after I pay you.:laugh: That is great!! Love it!
5TankHarmony
11-02-2006, 8:47 PM
Glad you liked them, here's a couple more:
I almost had a psychic girlfriend once, but she left me before we met.
If everything is going your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Here's a really cute blonde joke that someone emailed me the other day :D
A blonde was speeding down the road in her Mercedes Benz when a blonde cop pulls her over and asks to see her driver’s license.
The Blonde driver asks, "What’s a driver’s license?"
"It's a little square thing with your picture on it", says the cop.
So, the blonde driver looks through her purse and she pulls out a compact mirror and gives it to the cop.
The blonde cop looks at it and laughs, "Well… if I would have know you were a cop, I never would have pulled you over!!"
sumthin fishy
11-02-2006, 10:01 PM
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs flying throught the air?
Chuck
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs at your front door?
Matt
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in your pool?
Bob
What do you call 2 guys with no arms and no legs sitting in front of your window?
Curt 'n' Rod
What do you call a gitl with one arm and one leg?
Ileen
fish_freak
11-02-2006, 10:25 PM
Here's a really cute blonde joke that someone emailed me the other day :D
A blonde was speeding down the road in her Mercedes Benz when a blonde cop pulls her over and asks to see her driver’s license.
The Blonde driver asks, "What’s a driver’s license?"
"It's a little square thing with your picture on it", says the cop.
So, the blonde driver looks through her purse and she pulls out a compact mirror and gives it to the cop.
The blonde cop looks at it and laughs, "Well… if I would have know you were a cop, I never would have pulled you over!!"
I heard that one ages ago but it still cracks me up
fishcatch22
11-03-2006, 1:04 AM
I heard that one ages ago but it still cracks me upi'm blonde, and resent that joke. (J/K.)
125gJoe
11-03-2006, 4:01 AM
There was a sea scout camp near a beach where the porpoises were so friendly they swam near shore at dinner time.
The chef used to announce dinner by yelling:
"Dinner!
For all in tents... and porpoises."
_______
daniel364
11-03-2006, 10:46 AM
what do you get if you sit under a cow?
a pat on the head.
boofish2
11-03-2006, 12:35 PM
Bitsy - HILARIOUS!!
Shoot, you guys, I don't know any "clean" jokes. . . I'll get back to you on this one :rolleyes:
daniel364
11-03-2006, 2:31 PM
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, ''Vietnam, 1969.'' The other points his thumb behind him and says, ''Dog crap, 20 feet back.''
fishcatch22
11-03-2006, 2:33 PM
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, ''Vietnam, 1969.'' The other points his thumb behind him and says, ''Dog crap, 20 feet back.''LMAO!
:laugh:A young couple was on their way to get married when they had an accident and died. Now they were in front of St. Peter and the young lady asked if they could get married. St. Peter told them, he would have to get back to them with an answer.
Around 30 days later St. Peter returns and tells the couple that they can get married in heaven. The young lady then asks St. Peter, “If things just don't work out can we get a divorce?"
St. Peter looks at her and replies, " Lady it took me 30 days to find a preacher up here do you really think I am going to find a lawyer?!!" :laugh:
CaptnDan
11-03-2006, 4:21 PM
Rotflmao!!!!
fballguy
11-03-2006, 11:44 PM
A guy calls a therapist, and says that his 2nd wife had died recently. He says he is feeling really depressed because he also lost his 1st wife to death. The therapist asks him how it all happened, and the guy says, "Well my first wife died while we were in the woods picking mushrooms. She ate a couple of mushrooms and had an allergic reaction, I couldn't get her to the hospital in time, and she passed away on route." The therapist replies, "That is horrible, I'm sorry for your loss," then asks about the guy's 2nd wife. "She got beat to death," the guy says. "By what?" asks the therapist. "By me, I couldn't get her to eat the mushrooms."
ratherbe
11-05-2006, 8:19 PM
Larry was carrying two buckets of fish from the river when he was stopped by a game warden in the north woods.
"Do you have a license to catch those fish?" asked the warden.
"No, sir," Larry replied. "These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?" asked the warden.
"Yes, sir," Larry said. "I take these fish down to the river and let them swim around awhile. When I whistle, they jump back in the buckets, and I take them home."
"That's a bunch of hooey!" the warden said. "Fish can't do that."
Larry stared at the warden for a moment and said, "Well, I guess I'll just have to show you. Follow me, and I'll demonstrate how it works."
The warden followed behind in disbelief and watched Larry pour the fish into the water. After several minutes, he said to Larry, "When are you going to call the fish back?"
"What fish?" Larry asked.
What do you call a skeleton in the closet ?
....................
Last year's hide and seek winner....
http://www.planetsmilies.com/smilies/happy/happy0195.gif
Two amature hunters go hunting in the woods....it isn't long before they get lost. The first hunter says,"It's okay...I heard that if you fire three shots in the air, someone will hear it and come rescue you,"
The hunters fire three shots up in the air, and wait around for a few hours. When no one comes, they fire 3 more shots. When still no one comes, they decide to fire three more shots.
"This had better work, "muttered the secound hunter, "These are our last three arrows,"
125gJoe
11-07-2006, 2:40 AM
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal- Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on.
She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."
She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00". She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman breaks wind big-time. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her...being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"
He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."
_______
jm1212
11-07-2006, 6:33 PM
ok i need some participation lol
ok so there is this guy going to the beach and hes driving in his car, and this cookie is dancing on the hood of his car, and he tells it that if it doesnt get off, he's going to throw it in the ocean
so the cookie ignores him, and keeps dancing on the hood of his car, and he tell it again, "im going to throw you in the ocean if you dont stop dancing on my car"
again the cookie ignores him, and then he warns it one last time, and then throws it in the ocean after he almost crashes
a week later, he is in a boat, with his girlfriend, and he is getting ready to propse to her to marry him, but he slips and the ring falls into the ocean
a year passes and they are at their wedding and they are citting into a lobster. what fell out of the lobster??
fishluver93
11-07-2006, 6:42 PM
what fish is the most valuable?
a goldfish.
sorry that was dumb dumb dumb hahaha ;)
jm1212
11-07-2006, 8:42 PM
ok ive got a blonde joke (i hope noone is offended its just for fun, i have blonde hair lol)
why did the blonde sell her car?
for gas money!
she thought General Motors ran the army
the blonde studied for a blood test
she was looking at the orange juice container for 20 minutes because it said "Concentrate"
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
LMAO!!!!!
hondamx
11-07-2006, 8:52 PM
ok ive got a blonde joke (i hope noone is offended its just for fun, i have blonde hair lol)
why did the blonde sell her car?
for gas money!
she thought General Motors ran the army
the blonde studied for a blood test
she was looking at the orange juice container for 20 minutes because it said "Concentrate"
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
LMAO!!!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA :laugh: :laugh:
fishluver93
11-07-2006, 8:55 PM
ok ive got a blonde joke (i hope noone is offended its just for fun, i have blonde hair lol)
why did the blonde sell her car?
for gas money!
she thought General Motors ran the army
the blonde studied for a blood test
she was looking at the orange juice container for 20 minutes because it said "Concentrate"
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
LMAO!!!!!
so sad. i feel bad for blondes! lol. i have tons of blonde friends, but not all of them are that stupid! hahaha maybe a little dense though. me, personally, i am a brunette so i dont really care!! ;)
aardvark1
11-07-2006, 10:03 PM
Speakin' of tests....
Used to have "random" drug urine tests when I was in the Service; never would let me study for them...
Had one when I got to Boot Camp (first thing after we got off the bus); they called me back 2 days later-too much alcohol to test for drugs....
Had a good send off the night before....
Native American
11-10-2006, 6:41 AM
Speakin' of tests....
Had one when I got to Boot Camp (first thing after we got off the bus); they called me back 2 days later-too much alcohol to test for drugs....
Had a good send off the night before....That is truly outstanding.
Halloween, little kid with big ears dressed up as a pirate, and he has a speech impediment:
"So, little boy, what are you dressed up as tonight?"
"I'm a Pie-witt." (sounding irritated at being asked this all night).
"Really? Then where are your buccaneers?"
"(grabbing his ears and dropping his candy..) Lady, THESE are by 'bucking ears!"
v/r, N-A
judgemax
11-10-2006, 8:23 AM
ok...I give...this is the cleanest joke i know.....
There is a lilttle boy named bart , he is in the thrid grade, and has a slight lisp.
he is sitting in the back of the class, and the teacher hears this large commotion, she comes running back, and yells,"bart, what is going on here?" bart stands up and says "well, my name is bart, the kids call me fart. and darn, that pises me off!" the teacher yells at him and says " bart! we don't say those kind of things here! if you keep it up i am sending a letter to you mother, what is your address young man!" again, bart stands up and says " my name is bart the kids call me fart, i live on third street and the kids call it turd street, and **** that pisess me off! " well, the teacher is exasperated and she walks to the front of the class and picks up a the paddle, tells bart to drop his pants and asks since he continues to disrupt the class, if he knows what this means, bart replies, "yeah, you wanna fiddle and I am to little and **** that pisses me off!
judgemax
11-10-2006, 8:25 AM
what do you call a deer with no eyes???
.
.
.
.
no eye'deer.. ;)
what do you call a deer standing still, with no eyes??
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Still no eye'deer.. :D
cheech! I will have to say this has always been one of my alltime fav bar jokes!
captaincaveman9
11-10-2006, 9:02 AM
Why don't monsters eat clowns?
Because they taste funny :joke:
sumthin fishy
11-14-2006, 12:58 PM
WHy does new jersey have all the toxic waste dumps, and california has all the lawyers?
New Jersey got first pick.
125gJoe
11-16-2006, 2:41 AM
A Russian, an American, and a blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the
Russian.
To which the blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going
at night!"
_______
jojo22
11-16-2006, 9:56 AM
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a
question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus,
went up on the sidewalk, and stopped inches from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver
said, "Look, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights
out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a
little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied "Sorry, it's not really your fault.
Today is my first day as a cab driver.
I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years."
jm1212
11-16-2006, 5:14 PM
sorry but ive got another blonde joke LOL
what do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
pull out the pin and throw it back!!!
sumthin fishy
11-16-2006, 5:37 PM
A mexican, an itallian, and a blond guy are working on a high rise building. At lunchtime, the mexican opens his pail to find a burito. "man, I hate buritos everyday! If I get one more burrito Im gunna jump off this building!" The itallian opens his lunch to a tupperware full of pasta. "man, I hate having pasta for lunch everyday! If I get it once more, I will join you in jumping off!" The blond guy has a bologna sandwich. "I know how you 2 feel. I'll be right behind you if I get another bologna sandwich"
The next day, all 3 of them get the same thing for lunch, and they all jump to thier deaths.
The funeral for each is held in the same place, on the same day. The wives of the deceased are talking.
"oh If I just knew he didnt like burritos I would have made him something else!"
"Yes, my mario could have had whatever he wanted if he just asked me!"
The blond guys wife look's at them and says "Don't blame me, He made his own lunches!"
jm1212
11-16-2006, 5:45 PM
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
jojo22
11-16-2006, 11:01 PM
An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The
doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a
semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave
him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor
asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this -
First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left
hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left,
still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with
her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next
door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even
tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was
shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied,
"Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open"