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Betta Breeding and Depression

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Wow, two weird subjects together. Last month was an interesting month. Had some real beauties come out of my fish room!

The reason I do all this is, something to do, something that I CAN do. It's odd, fun, gives me a chance to "tinker" with nature and shows results relatively quickly. A fish can be raised from fry in 3 months. Four generations a year can be raised.

I am not the best, nor do I strive to be the best (and spend all that money). I don't do this for money. I do it for "fun" mostly, and the ability to share some really great fish with friends and coworkers.

It is nice to hear back from people about a fish I gave them, how it is doing and how excited their family is to have such an interesting pet. I also try to help them if there is a problem, and give them a new fish when it's time for their old one to move on.

From a cross of a white plakat to a green marble butterfly - in three months there is a fantastic half moon blue with black banding. He carries Marble which can color change later on. Just took him out of the breeding tank, where he was crossed with a green hm female with black banding. They share the same grandfather (who was a gift and had incredible form).

Of course, all of this is relative, like art, beauty is in the eye of who appreciates it. My eye appreciates what others do not. The Betta Breeders Forum that I belong to - the owner went out of his way to tell me that my fish don't look good, and that they have a long way to go before they would be show worthy. I was very specific in my reply and told him I do this for the joy of the hobby, not to attain standards that someone else sets. Still, it did rub me.

This is a time in my life when I really feel close to the end of my rope. All the joy in my job is gone, and I dread going there every day. Yet, I strive to do my best. Working under people who perform badly, who like to stand around and talk about the people they don't like and how they can get rid of them all. It's sad.

My boss is a drunk and can't remember anything, let alone everything I have done, sacrificed, and am able to do. No, she listens to the coke head who has freak outs, and goes to management to make sure the blame never falls on him.

Management is a woman who seemingly does nothing but stay in the office and talk to her daughter on the phone, while the workings of our store are not guided in anyway - the one time she actually did her job she realized how bad things were in our department and implemented change, that lasted a month. My life is so full of sarcastic joy right now. I don't know if getting fired is a blessing at this point.

I have tried to go through the correct channels in order to make things happen, but *I* am the one who ends up in trouble. No one ultimately cares about anything but themselves and that makes me sick. We used to be a company that developed people, that helped everyone grow and learn how to lead, all of that is gone now, only the chosen few a-kissers get developed and it's disgusting.

I try to focus on the good things in my life, my friends, the little bit of family I do talk to, my dog, my fish.. all great things. Yet, at the same time I feel this overwhelming sense of dread, of disappointment in life, of never ever getting anywhere but exactly where I am right now - sad all the time.

Why am I writing this here? Because I know that no one will read all this, or care if they do. If anyone at my job read this, they would only use it to fire me, rather than change things for the good. There is so much good to be had in this world, yet everyone focuses on reaction rather than proaction. The people who pay the price are the ones who really care. I care too much.

I took over a sub-team and started making it 100,000 MORE a year, than the previous year. I make 25,000 a year. Recently all I do is NOT my job, but fill in for other people who are not doing their job, so my numbers are falling rapidly - and although I am forced to do other tasks, the job my job description is for - means nothing. Even my regional guy doesn't care, he thinks that once the numbers fall low enough that he can step in and do something. Why allow a successful business falter, loosing revenue and customer loyalty to prove a point?

That so many of us go through the same thing, that our whole world is filled with people like me - so what? It doesn't matter.

Nothing ultimately matters, and that is the only relief that I take an ounce of hope from. That nothing ever really matters at all, the good that I try to do, the happiness I try to bring - the sadness, the bitterness. In all of my life, it has never changed. There are moments when all seems good, but I know it will all go back to a time just like this when it won't be. I know there is no never-ending joy in life, but do the ups and downs have to be so extreme?

Last night I was forced to watch Wrist Cutters - the movie, by some friends. I tried to tell them that this is not a good time for me to be watching a movie about suicide. I have to admit, it was a very fun movie, very cute and uplifting. And ironic to my life. I kept watching people kill themselves and all I can think of is.. I tried that... or, I wouldn't try it that way.

I am stuck in the past. Sometimes I wonder.. the first time I attempted suicide, did I succeed? Is this what comes next? A shadow of life, just the next page? And the second time, the third, the forth, the fifth... is this my own special hell that never ends? I think it is.

So ultimately I guess what I am saying is, I don't believe in life, this life can't ultimately be real. This is all a paper cut out of what life was really meant to be, and at some point I wake up having learned all these lessons, being able to not make them again. This is not a hope, just my mind laughing at myself knowing the truth.

I truly truly hope there is no reincarnation. I don't believe in heaven or hell. I just hope that this tired soul does not have to go through this all again, ever. I have lived so many "lives" and done so many things and met some incredible people along the way. The problem is not with them, it is with me.. and I have tried to do things differently and nothing ever stays changed for long.

I just had to express this somehow, get my thoughts out somehow. If anyone has any valid thoughts that an intelligent mind can't come up with on it's own, feel free to chime. Don't worry though, I'm just moody and frustrated right now, and venting..

Don't worry, be happy... right?

I wish there were more fish friends in Atlanta, I give fish away all the time and enjoy sharing with people who really love these fish! I do snap out of these sulky periods in my life, usually.

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