LOL.
I hear you on the nitrate test. I've seen commercial duty test strips available mail-order and ~$400+ meters that measure for nitrates in PPM. Dunno if the red sea (brand?) kit works for freshwater.
IMO, with a color chart or test strip, it's only intended to get you "close". More of a go, no-go gauge. Test strips should actually be more foolproof for this application.
How often do you guys measure for NO3? In my setups, I might do it 1-2x per year? A new setup is a different story of course.