One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively
well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still
feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.
Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you
have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging
is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around
the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is
some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.
Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not
productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume
reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared
you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your
bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of
water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't pee'd once.
Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else
you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and
has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes,
but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your
face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while
riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and
even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the
first of about five ****s you take during the day brings water to the
eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.
Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying
the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of
every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in
the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to
get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability
to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have
the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed
this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like
discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare floater' thrown in. The
sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water
all over your ***. Death sounds pretty good about right now...
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably, Innovative, Preliminary, Proliferation, Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity, British, Constitution, Passive-aggressive disorder,
Loquacious, Transubstantiate.
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I do not want to have sex. Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type. Good evening officer, isn't it
lovely out tonight. Oh, I just couldn't, no one wants to hear me
sing...
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively
well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still
feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.
Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you
have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging
is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around
the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is
some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.
Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not
productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume
reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared
you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your
bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of
water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't pee'd once.
Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else
you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and
has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes,
but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your
face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while
riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and
even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the
first of about five ****s you take during the day brings water to the
eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.
Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying
the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of
every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in
the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to
get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability
to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have
the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed
this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like
discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare floater' thrown in. The
sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water
all over your ***. Death sounds pretty good about right now...
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably, Innovative, Preliminary, Proliferation, Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity, British, Constitution, Passive-aggressive disorder,
Loquacious, Transubstantiate.
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I do not want to have sex. Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type. Good evening officer, isn't it
lovely out tonight. Oh, I just couldn't, no one wants to hear me
sing...
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