It was like this, Your Honor...........
I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, "Hi, I'm Belinda!
This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this room here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. 'Everything clear?"
I'm thinking, "Belinda ... try decaf. This ain't rocket science."
Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. Call me crazy, but I suspect a man invented this machine. It takes a perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B to a size 38-LONG. Also, girls aren't made of sugar and spice and everything nice...it's Spandex. We can't be stretched, pulled and twisted over a cold 4-inch piece of square glass and still pop back into shape.
Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Can you stand on your tippee toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"
"Fine," I answered. I was freezing, bruised and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other boob wedged between those two 4" pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt, a zap!
Complete darkness and the power went off! "What?" I yelled.
"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag." Belinda headed for the door.
"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vice alone, are you?" I
shouted.
Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy... the door's
wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back"
Before I could shout, NOOOO!" she disappeared.
And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!
After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going" type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.
Trying to disguise my hysteria I replied with as much calmness as possible.
"Uh, yes...yes I did, thanks."
"You bet, take care," Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am soooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps.
-------------------------------------------------------
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test. And, best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in your home.
EXERCISE #1
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn’t effective enough.
EXERCISE #2
Visit your garage at 3 a.m. when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.
EXERCISE #3
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again!!
CONGRATULATIONS! Now you are properly prepared for your mammogram.
I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, "Hi, I'm Belinda!
This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this room here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. 'Everything clear?"
I'm thinking, "Belinda ... try decaf. This ain't rocket science."
Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. Call me crazy, but I suspect a man invented this machine. It takes a perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B to a size 38-LONG. Also, girls aren't made of sugar and spice and everything nice...it's Spandex. We can't be stretched, pulled and twisted over a cold 4-inch piece of square glass and still pop back into shape.
Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Can you stand on your tippee toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"
"Fine," I answered. I was freezing, bruised and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other boob wedged between those two 4" pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt, a zap!
Complete darkness and the power went off! "What?" I yelled.
"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag." Belinda headed for the door.
"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vice alone, are you?" I
shouted.
Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy... the door's
wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back"
Before I could shout, NOOOO!" she disappeared.
And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!
After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going" type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.
Trying to disguise my hysteria I replied with as much calmness as possible.
"Uh, yes...yes I did, thanks."
"You bet, take care," Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am soooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps.
-------------------------------------------------------
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test. And, best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in your home.
EXERCISE #1
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn’t effective enough.
EXERCISE #2
Visit your garage at 3 a.m. when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.
EXERCISE #3
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again!!
CONGRATULATIONS! Now you are properly prepared for your mammogram.
