Poem I wrote...

I

ilovegreyhounds

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Aug 29, 2005
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Please leave me comments good or bad. Please don't give negative comments just because you don't like me. I need the help with my writing. Thanks all!!!
I know that this needs a little polishing though.

The Sacrifice

Two sweethearts walked hand in hand
Across the rolling, cotton planted land,
To the fort that would tear them apart.
The sweet Southern belle, Betty Sue, declared to her dear soldier she
wished for him not to depart.

"I have to my love, to keep you safe.
I best not be late so I must haste."
Betty Sue clung to the soldier all dressed in gray and started to weep;
But the young soldier kissed her tenderly and ran to the fort so as not
to keep.

He trained with the best and learned all he could,
To prepare himself for the battle that was yet to come.
As the first bullet sounded he thought of his sweet Betty Sue,
Who would always be his and always remain true.

He fought for his Betty Sue with all his strength
And he knew that his life might end for her sake.
He continued to battle against his foe,
While his love for his sweetheart continued to grow.

He was thinking of her beautiful face
When a bullet struck his side.
He knew he was going to die
When he saw blood oozing from his side.

But yet could not take Betty Sue off his mind
As he started to weaken his love was increasing.
The soldier thought of the tender kiss he had given his sweetheart
as he closed his eyes and breathed his last.

He and Betty Sue were now forever apart.
 
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When a bullet struck his side.
He knew he was going to die
When he saw blood oozing from his side.
Click to expand...

You mention the word "side" twice, and it kind of takes away from the flow of the rest of the poems.

I like it, it's pretty good.
 
oh thanks! I caught that too. I didn't expect anyone to actually comment! I am happy. This is my first "real" poem. I'm only 16 so don't expect it to be great or anything:P. Thanks Puma!
 
Well for 16 you did a pretty good job.
I second the "side" thing.

This is just my opinion, but the "When a bullet struck his side."
I read a couple places that were like that. A poem IMO is supposed to "flow". I found a few places like that one where it kind of just "stops". When it stops like that it sounds kind of goofy because it really doesn't "flow" and transition into the next phrase.

Just my opinion, take it or leave it, you asked for it so do what you wish with it.
 
Re: the "flow" versus "stopping."

An end-stopped line can be very strong. You would likely want to use this on a strong line that you want to stand out.

A line that "flows" is usually enjambed. This means it doesn't finish at the end of the line, but continues to the next line. If the majority of a poem uses enjambment, and one or two lines are end-stopped, you can get an interesting effect - assuming they're carefully placed.

You might want to work on your rhymes. As of now, you've got a mix of a strict rhyme scheme and places where it falls apart.

For intensity, try replacing the word "oozing" with something a little less...goofy. When I think of ooze, I think of something like Nickelodeon's slime. Maybe something like rushed, seeped, gushed, etc. Use an online thesaurus.

You also may want to add a line to the last verse to make it a couplet (two rhyming lines) or something. As it is now, it stands alone and seems out of place. Two lines would give the final punch but look like they belong. Or, you could take it out all together since it states what should be obvious.

EDIT: Also, since this is a war poem. You may find inspiration from this. It's what is considered one of the best war poems (WWI) of all time. You might want to incorporate some of the disgustingness of war into your poem to juxtapose the sweetness of love.

"Dulce et Decorum Est"

Bent double, like old beggars under sacks,
Knock-kneed, coughing like hags, we cursed through sludge,
Till on the haunting flares we turned our backs
And towards our distant rest began to trudge.
Men marched asleep. Many had lost their boots
But limped on, blood-shod. All went lame; all blind;
Drunk with fatigue; deaf even to the hoots
Of tired, outstripped Five-Nines that dropped behind.

Gas! Gas! Quick, boys! – An ecstasy of fumbling,
Fitting the clumsy helmets just in time;
But someone still was yelling out and stumbling,
And flound'ring like a man in fire or lime . . .
Dim, through the misty panes and thick green light,
As under a green sea, I saw him drowning.
In all my dreams, before my helpless sight,
He plunges at me, guttering, choking, drowning.

If in some smothering dreams you too could pace
Behind the wagon that we flung him in,
And watch the white eyes writhing in his face,
His hanging face, like a devil's sick of sin;
If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood
Come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs,
Obscene as cancer, bitter as the cud
Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues,
My friend, you would not tell with such high zest
To children ardent for some desperate glory,
The old Lie; Dulce et Decorum est
Pro patria mori.

http://www.warpoetry.co.uk/owen1.html - The site explains vocabulary you won't know.
 
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Really good!! I can't comment on how to fix the little stuff cuz I can't write poetry. This is better than i could do. And you know they say practice makes perfect. (I can't wait to see what lila has to say about this :) ) FWIW your honesty has earned you a second chance, as well as appologies (from me at least) for mean things said about you when you "left".
 
thanks sumthin fishy! That really means a lot to me. I wrote this poem in 30 min. :P. It's my first "real" poem. I really like to write about the Civil War. I just got finished writing a short story about the Civil War.
 
Have you had anything published? If you keep with the Civil War theme, there are several magazines out there. A lot of them are more scholarly, but my husband is really into it, I'll ask if he knows of any that accept fiction related to it.
 
nursie said:
Have you had anything published? If you keep with the Civil War theme, there are several magazines out there. A lot of them are more scholarly, but my husband is really into it, I'll ask if he knows of any that accept fiction related to it.
Click to expand...

no I haven't had anything published. I don't know if I would want to or not.
 
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