greeneyedlady
07-06-2004, 8:22 AM
NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when
a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was
stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old
shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd
dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it
in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to
my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with
a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause
it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note
from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child
are not necessarily those of his parents."
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the bottle.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter
to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her
mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you
right now. She's hitting the bottle."
MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's
locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with
ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched
in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a
little boy before?"
POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was
interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at
my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued
writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask
the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her.
"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you
please tie my shoe?"
POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking,
and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back
there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked
at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd
he do?"
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age,
particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her
staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself
for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and
whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw
her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that
suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a
headache the next morning."
DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister
heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.
Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a
small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the
disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the
appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of
what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather,
and unto the Sonnn . and into the hole he gooooes."
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just
wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write
and they won't let me talk!"
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he
fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the
Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an
old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I
found", the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With
astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's
underwear!"
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when
a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was
stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old
shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd
dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it
in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to
my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with
a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause
it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note
from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child
are not necessarily those of his parents."
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the bottle.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter
to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her
mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you
right now. She's hitting the bottle."
MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's
locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with
ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched
in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a
little boy before?"
POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was
interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at
my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued
writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask
the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her.
"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you
please tie my shoe?"
POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking,
and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back
there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked
at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd
he do?"
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age,
particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her
staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself
for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and
whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw
her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that
suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a
headache the next morning."
DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister
heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.
Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a
small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the
disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the
appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of
what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather,
and unto the Sonnn . and into the hole he gooooes."
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just
wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write
and they won't let me talk!"
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he
fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the
Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an
old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I
found", the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With
astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's
underwear!"