greeneyedlady
03-28-2005, 11:42 AM
Two old men are talking. One asks, "What does your family think of that new hearing aid you >went out and got?"
the other says, "I haven't told them yet. Changed my will six times too."
A small boy comes into the living room and says to his parents, "You said my baby brother has dad's hair and mother's eyes?" His mother says, "Yes, he does." "Well, watch out! Now he's got grandma's teeth."
Which reminds me of:
An accident, exceedingly uncanny,
Befell a respectable granny.
She sat on a chair,
While her false teeth were there,
They bit her right on the fanny.
Things we have to look forward to:
A couple in their nineties are both having problems
remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor
for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're
physically okay, but they might want to start writing
things down to help them remember.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets
up from his chair.
His wife asks, "Where are you going?"
"To the kitchen" he replies.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can
remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd
better write it down because you know you'll forget
it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice
cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll
forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she ret
orts.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I
can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with
strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for
goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the
kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says -
"Where's my toast?
***********************
Keep Reading
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting Married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
********************
Keep Reading
Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking.
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a
date. I know you went out with him last week, and I
wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my
answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He showed up at my
apartment punctually at
7P.M. , dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit,
and he brought me such beautiful flowers! Then, he
took me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car,
a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he took
me out for dinner, and such a marvelous dinner it
was, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after dinner
drinks. Then we went to see a show. Let me tell you
Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died
from pleasure! So then, we came back to my apartment
and he turned into an ANIMAL! Completely crazy, he
tore off my expensive new dress, and had his way with
me two times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! So, are you are telling
me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Edna: "No,no,no, I'm just saying, wear an old
dress!"
***************
Keep Reading (My Favorite)
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
***************
Keep Reading
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new
hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but
it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty "
***************
Keep Reading
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get
a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris
walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on
his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and
said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a
hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've
got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"
***************
Keep Reading
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream
parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a
stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana
split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis."
the other says, "I haven't told them yet. Changed my will six times too."
A small boy comes into the living room and says to his parents, "You said my baby brother has dad's hair and mother's eyes?" His mother says, "Yes, he does." "Well, watch out! Now he's got grandma's teeth."
Which reminds me of:
An accident, exceedingly uncanny,
Befell a respectable granny.
She sat on a chair,
While her false teeth were there,
They bit her right on the fanny.
Things we have to look forward to:
A couple in their nineties are both having problems
remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor
for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're
physically okay, but they might want to start writing
things down to help them remember.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets
up from his chair.
His wife asks, "Where are you going?"
"To the kitchen" he replies.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can
remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd
better write it down because you know you'll forget
it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice
cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll
forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she ret
orts.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I
can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with
strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for
goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the
kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says -
"Where's my toast?
***********************
Keep Reading
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting Married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
********************
Keep Reading
Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking.
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a
date. I know you went out with him last week, and I
wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my
answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He showed up at my
apartment punctually at
7P.M. , dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit,
and he brought me such beautiful flowers! Then, he
took me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car,
a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he took
me out for dinner, and such a marvelous dinner it
was, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after dinner
drinks. Then we went to see a show. Let me tell you
Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died
from pleasure! So then, we came back to my apartment
and he turned into an ANIMAL! Completely crazy, he
tore off my expensive new dress, and had his way with
me two times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! So, are you are telling
me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Edna: "No,no,no, I'm just saying, wear an old
dress!"
***************
Keep Reading (My Favorite)
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
***************
Keep Reading
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new
hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but
it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty "
***************
Keep Reading
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get
a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris
walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on
his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and
said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a
hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've
got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"
***************
Keep Reading
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream
parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a
stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana
split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis."