View Full Version : Is a Loyal Boyfriend Hard to Find?
Riso-chan
10-20-2005, 1:11 AM
Another one of my nervous qeustions, because I have no experience in this area of life and need to know from those more experienced. :help: I don't have much of a social life right now, but I think it'll get better once I find a job, hopefully soon...
The unfortunate thing is that I don't really find getting drunk or going to bars/clubs fun like alot of others my age (I'm 21). I'll I want are a few decent friends to hang out with, and person to live my life with.
Now, I want to be realistic when looking for someone. I know no one is perfect, and I wouldn't want that anyway due to the fact that everyone else would want that too. I just want someone who is of average looks, but who I have much in common with and who will love me for who I am. do you think that too much to ask?
I plan on being straight forward with that person from the beginning about what I want in my life, and hopefully he will be the same with me. I think that's the thing these days, not many people are clear about what they want or expect in the relationship from the start. So, without clear boundaries, people misunderstand eachother, and fight or breakup. Am I understanding this correctly?
By chance, I read an article in this month's reader's digest about the way men differ from woemn in the way they express emotions. It was an interesting insight, actually helpful. I can understand now why they show it so differently, the reasons for it are both to do with how the male brain works and the society we are raised in as well. I know it's just one article, but it was at least a look into someone dfferent from myself that hopefully one day I will share my life with.
I know the male animal is naturally inclined to want variety, that's proven in many other animals. Really, it's not surprising that so few are monogamous. The only ones I'm sure of are wolves, macaw parrots, some birds, certain fish, and even a virus organism. I don't have any issues with looking at dirty mags, or any of that fun stuff :p: , even glancing at other women isn't as bad(as long as you do it without me seeing, but if she's got basketballs on her chest I'll stare too.:)). It seems ridiculous to try to control another person's eyes. As long as you don't actually jump on someone else, that stuff doesn't bother me, because I know it's part of a guy's nature. Let me know if you think I'm being reasonably, and that I have a few things straight as far as understanding. ~Angela
BTW, I'm not one to read all these crazy women's magazines that think they can tell women everything. I'm a bit more skeptical than that, I don't give them much of a glance. I like to look at something of scientific fact or at least psychological for its accuracy.
ashdavid
10-20-2005, 5:02 AM
You should be able to find a loyal guy, they are out there. All I can say is don't rush it, if you do you will make a mistake, keep things simple at first and take it slowly. One other thing is don't be too critical, when I say that I am refering to looks,habits and anything else that guys do. There has to be a compromise somewhere in the middle.
telecubby
10-20-2005, 7:58 AM
& you come looking for men & the answers to lifes questions in an aquarium site. well you never know.You may be expecting more than the site has to offer.
happychem
10-20-2005, 8:46 AM
Ash gave a good answer. Don't rush it. The notion of "looking" for someone is fraught with disappointment, at least it is if you're looking for someone reliable and long term and not just for momentary comfort.
What can I say? Yes, they are out there. Don't know if they're hard to find. Be patient, but don't take any crap. I've had so many female friends who put up with bull from their guys that I spent a long time convinced that women don't really want a good guy, they just like to say that they do. Like you, I give more weight to observation and evidence than to words. Hmmm, I'm off track. Anyway, be patient but expect respect.
sublime1184
10-20-2005, 9:07 AM
...The unfortunate thing is that I don't really find getting drunk or going to bars/clubs fun like alot of others my age (I'm 21)...
We found the problem ;)
Sounds like you are just going through a rough patch - it happens and you can only get more experience from it. Just stick with the search and don't get discouraged cuz you never know where you can find it. As most things are, it seems like you find what you need when you are least expecting it, so just keep an open mind about that. You sound level headed so I don't think you'll have too much trouble! Good luck to ya!
Maybe you should post in the wanted ads like alicia :D
http://www.aquariacentral.com/forums/showthread.php?t=23036
nursie
10-20-2005, 9:11 AM
Wow..great advice from the guys. Just wan t to provide more food for thought. It's not necessarily a good thing to look for someone that you work with. That can cause more problems than it's worth if the relationship goes bad.
Do you get out and do things? Bars and getting drunk aren't necessarily the best place to find someone. I found my husband at college...stopped by a friends room and there he was. Do you get out and do things that bring you in contact with other people? Special interest clubs, church, pick up some college classes are a few thoughts. You don't have to wait to have a guy strike up a conversation, guys can be shy too. But on the other hand you do need to be patient and not patently obvious that you are interested in a long term relationship. I knew shortly after I met my husband he was the one. It took 3 years..but I had to finish college first.
HC..I have a daughter that's 24, and so far no serious relationship. I know she's had guy friends, but nothing else I know of (I know..mothers don't know everything). We were discussing this one day, more in relation to a friend that had always had a boyfriend, and she made a great comment about it. She said that I should be glad that she had good enough self esteem that she didn't need to find some loser to date just to make herself feel good. Wow..my thought was..I did good!
NatakuTseng
10-20-2005, 9:31 AM
Patience is the key. Those guys are out there, though often I think they are overlooked for reasons like happy said, keep in mind that having someone that looks great is nice, but 40 years down the road, its not gonna mean a thing, but 40 years down the road that person will still be the same person (not nessecarily but you know what I mean).
Riso, keep in mind that you are still young. You've plenty of time to bump into Mr. Right. Don't rush into relationships because the first impression is that he's great. Trust me, my mr. shy ended up being mr. abusive. And he really tried to make me feel like I couldn't go on without him. But I was young then.
You are at an age when you're going through changes. And those changes will continue for the next several years. I swear, if I had married my husband sooner than I did, it never would've lasted because of the changes we both went through during our engagement.
Take your time and don't look. Just look for people that are fun to hang out with. You can meet them at work, school (college) and church.
Good luck.
;)
Lila
telecubby
10-20-2005, 10:09 AM
some people are so patient they grow old with regret,never haveing taken advantage of the opprotunitys lifes past.If you want that guy share a sign you haven't got till end of time.Trust your instinct
Corax
10-20-2005, 10:19 AM
Let life happen, what is meant to be, will be.
telecubby
10-20-2005, 10:23 AM
the futures not ours 2 C kay sarah sarah what will be will beeeee
My advice.......get involved in doing things you enjoy doing.....you like aquariums ?....get involved in a local aquarium club...go to any aquarium type gatherings you can get to, you'll find fellas who share the interest and you start out by having something in common to talk about and enjoy together....
When you do meet someone, I'm sure you will sooner or later........pay attention to how he talks about his parents..ESPECIALLY his Mom !!....Very Important in my opinion...having been there and done that ! ..... (do this right off the bat, because you don't want to be wasting any of your time or his if things aren't going to work out)
Is he respectful to them ? Does he love and respect his mother ?? Because I'll tell you right here and now, if he has no respect for HER...he sure isn't going to be treating you any different sooner or later down the road...believe me ! (But that's getting way ahead of things here....lol...first you want to meet him !)
I've been out of the dating game for a long time now.....bout 20 years, so I don't know what things are like out there now....but they can't be much different...lol....same game and all.......... ;)
All the best to you Riso...hope you two find each other soon ! http://www.planetsmilies.com/smilies/love/love0008.gif
OH...and DON'T move in with him !!! All the so called "logical" reasons for doing so suck wind....sorry, but they do ! If he wants the priviledge of living with you and all the benefits that apply to that arrangement....make him earn it by walking down the aisle with you......
sumthin fishy
10-20-2005, 10:34 AM
I've been single for 4 years. I'm 24 next month. I've had my chances with some great looking girls that were not so great inside, and with some great girls that were not good looking. In most cases, I declined anything other than friendship. Now I have new friends that are worth more than failed relationships. Now one of theose female friends has a buddy who I am actually interested in. Will this new relationship lead to marraige, happiness, whatever? Who knows? But I waited till I found what I felt was right. It is worth it to be picky. You should give yourself the best that you deserve and don't settle for second best. As for faithfull guys, we do exsist. Another good piece of advice is not to be discouraged by one failed relationship. It might happen first try, but finding the right person usually takes time, trial and error. It's ok to casually date, with no commitment(as long as that is mutually agreed on), that way you can test the waters before you dive in head first.
Keep your head up!!!!! The good guys love confidence, and the bad ones thrive on weakness.
slipknottin
10-20-2005, 11:13 AM
A loyal girlfriend is harder to find. :D
Honestly, its more luck than anything. Im the same age as you (21) and Ive been in a relationship for 5 years now. But my girlfriend and I have both changed alot during that time, and our relationship is more rocky now than ever before.
Galaxie
10-20-2005, 11:30 AM
My advice: Look for a friend first (not a boyfriend/potential life-long mate). If you're lucky, the person you end up with "for life" will be your best friend.
--------------
Women: Want one man to satisfy their every need.
Men: Want every woman to satisfy their one need.
:)
Holly9937
10-20-2005, 12:16 PM
I know how you feel Riso!! I'm 25, and been with my now husband for quite a while, but before that I was going out alot with my friends and meeting guys and thinking this is what I have to choose from?!!? There have got to be nicer guys out there :mad2: . My dream man turned out to be one of my brothers friends who I happened to run into at my dads house one night and things took off from there!! I agree its hard to "look" for someone.
Maybe you could drag one of your single friends out to one of those speed dating things?? I think those sound rather entertaining!!
Xielos
10-20-2005, 12:38 PM
There is an essay written by John Alan Lee titled "Styles of Loving". I can't find it anywhere online, but its in my textbook. It will basicly give a scientific/psychological view on types of relationships. I found it very interesting.
As far as meeting others, try joining clubs like others have said. I can off the bat you like aquariums (you're on this site) and anime (your avatar) :p: . Theres TONS of anime clubs around, and lots of anime conventions. I recomend everyone attend an anime convention, its lots of fun :D
just take your time .. it will hit you in the face before you know it ..
I had been in a 14yr abusive relationship .. had been with the guy since i was 19 and left him when i was 33 .. first of all dont take crap from no guy .. if he respects you he will not do the wrong things ..like cheat and lie ..
i have been married just over 3 yrs now to a wonderfull guy i met on the net.. he is 9 yrs younger then me and when i first met him on line.. i was 33 and he was 24.. i thought he was even to young to talk to .. :rolleyes: . but i thought what the heck we are just chatting .. well we started talking more and more and more and next thin i knew we were talking every night for hours and even on the phone for about 2 to 3 hrs at a time .. well next thing i knew i was on the bus from Canada down to Oregon to meet him and we hit it off so well .. we hit it off very well on the net that i was so comfortable meeting him in person... i spent a week with him and went back ..(didnt want to go back) ..lol... well i ended up movieng down here with him .. and 2 1/2 yrs later we got married .. we have been together now for 6 yrs .. and he is a wonderfull man . i dont regret leaveing canada and goin through all the immigration bull**** red tape ..for him .. so like i said .. ya dont need to go looking for it .. it will just happen before you know it .. it will just hit you in the face .. and being young .. you have lots of time .. dont rush ..
Marn
OrionGirl
10-20-2005, 12:45 PM
I agree with some of the advice here. Don't worry about finding 'the one'. You know how it is when you're trying to find that book you were reading last month? You look everywhere, even really dumb places...And you tend to find the book once you quit looking and give it up for lost. So just be patient, have fun, be happy. Do what makes you happy and comfortable, and don't worry about being judged for it.
Galaxie
10-20-2005, 1:42 PM
I agree with some of the advice here. Don't worry about finding 'the one'. You know how it is when you're trying to find that book you were reading last month? You look everywhere, even really dumb places...And you tend to find the book once you quit looking and give it up for lost.
I see someone else here watches "Lost" :D
Dangerdoll
10-20-2005, 1:50 PM
hehehe, that's funny Galaxie ;) (I'm guilty of it too :D)
any way, I would have to agree that maybe joining clubs of your interest would help Riso, the book-store, whatever. Just don't go out seeking it, it's when you're looking for it that it most often turns out not what you expected. These things just happen.... It's the darndest thing, but they happen when you're not even expecting it to.
OrionGirl
10-20-2005, 1:59 PM
I see someone else here watches "Lost" :D
Huh? Did I inadvertantly reference the show somehow? I've never even seen an episode....Sorry!
I just know that the people who have meant the most in my life--friends, and my husband, weren't people I looked for. Most of them aren't even people I have tons in common with, either. They are people that I met in different circumstances--work, a bar, a class, online...And ended up really liking and wanting to build a relationship with them. I think wanting a relationship and looking for someone to put in that box, rather than finding people you like and letting the relationship develop into what it can is futile. And it really only happens with the one relationship that should be the most important one we maintain. You never hear someone say "Gee, I'm really looking for a life long drinking buddy", but you always hear people wanting to 'find' a significant other.
mishi8
10-20-2005, 2:03 PM
I think that you may be worrying a little too much, putting too much thought into it. The best relationships aren't the ones you look for, but ones that develop naturally. Focus on making friendships...friends with similar interests and hobbies (I personally don't believe that a bar or nightclub is the best place to meet "Mr. Right.") You're still young...right now, enjoy being single in your early twenties...sooner or later you'll develop a long term relationship with the right person. :)
oscar119
10-20-2005, 2:25 PM
Wow, lots of advice here. All of it good. I agree with alot and say don't go looking for it. Don't use dating services, don't date people you work with unless you're planning on leaving your job soon, is some of the advice I'd give you. People who need online personals usually have lots wrong with them and you can't get to know someone or really know if you're attracted to them that way. Best way to meet someone is to just be out and about. Not liking clubs is fine. But if you meet girlfriends at your job, maybe go to a quiet bar for a drink or go shopping just so you meet some people and have chances to see what kind of guys you don't and have a chance to flirt/hit on a guy your attracted to and see what comes of it. The quality people don't hang out in clubs anyways. You'll probably meet a nice guy when you're just running to the store to get milk, or inline at a resturant or someplace like that.
just wanted to make a comment about were i met my husband .. when i posted it earlier thati met him online .. we met while in a cribbage room playing crib .. he invited me to a game and i almost said no cause of his name he used .. it scared me and i was new to the net .. but he turned out to be the sweetest guy ever ..
Marn
Ummm... I met my husband at work. But the abusive jerk I dated before him was met at another job.
But I was saying something about going out/hanging out with people from work and have fun.
:)
saltyc
10-20-2005, 3:12 PM
Riso, I was one of the last ones in my high school class to get married (oddly enough, I was the first to get engaged! Opened my eyes 2 months before the wedding & scrammed!). I didn't marry till I was 34! Yes, took a while-yes, dated/kissed some frogs along the way. But I had a great time-met guys from all over-dated one from New York City for a year while in college, then when I finally got a chance to move up there for the summer, the close proximity scared him off, and I realized I really didn't like having to look straight up to see the sky! I was madly in love with him, but I could never have stayed there, and he would never have wanted to leave.
Good thing, not being jealous of wandering eyes-worst emotion in the world! Guys can't help it-and besides:
1. If they don't look elsewhere, how hard are they looking at you?
and
2. If you fuss about them looking, then it's not right for you to let your own eyes wander to that cute stockboy...
Anyway-the whole point of this reminiscing, is don't be afraid to wait for the right one, and take your time in figuring out whether that cute guy is mr. right.
oscar119
10-20-2005, 4:10 PM
Ummm... I met my husband at work. But the abusive jerk I dated before him was met at another job.
Dating someone from work can turn out good, but if it turns out bad she'll have to work with that person. Only reason I and probably most say it's not good to date people at work.
As for meeting people online. It's cool if you can but I've had bad bad luck with internet personals as people tend to use the best pic they could find from 5 years ago and fib about everything else.
Blueiz
10-20-2005, 4:14 PM
I got married when I was 19. Just celebrated my 6th wedding anniversary last month. I can tell you this when the right one comes along you will know it. Don't rush and look at all your options. From an inside view i will tell you that you need to take time out to smell the roses before you start looking to settle down. I just new when I was 19 that getting married right away is what I wanted to do. Now I wish I had of waited a little longer. I have no regrets about who i married, I love my husband he is honest faithful and kind, he also works very hard to provide for his family. You need time to grow up and find yourself. Discover who you are first and then find someone with common interests. Within the past year I have found that there are other men out there that i could REALLY be interested in, but I made a commitment 6 years ago to my husband that said til death do us part and I meant it. Give yourself time to growup before you look for soemone to settle down with, or else you will find that the 2 of you will grow up together and you just may not like what each of you turns out to be. My best friend that got married 1 year after I did is getting a divorce now because they bothgrew up and didn't like what each other turned out to be. By the way I don't like to party and drink either, my hubby was the second man i ever dated. Like I said I have no regrets, but if I could tuirn back time and know then what I know now things would be different. I hope this helps ease the "I want it now" feeling.
sumthin fishy
10-20-2005, 4:21 PM
once you quit looking and give it up for lost. .
You sure did reference it. Can't find your book, go watch a TV show......
Not liking the bar/club scene is fine, but don't discount it as a 100% no for finding a mate if you do indeed enjoy going out. Like everything else has been said, don't go to the bar to find Mr. right, go to have fun with your friends. Dance and have a good time. If you meet a guy who might be nice, you can always go somewhere else with him to get to know him.
nursie
10-20-2005, 4:42 PM
When you do meet someone, I'm sure you will sooner or later........pay attention to how he talks about his parents..ESPECIALLY his Mom !!....Very Important in my opinion...having been there and done that ! ..... (do this right off the bat, because you don't want to be wasting any of your time or his if things aren't going to work out)
Is he respectful to them ? Does he love and respect his mother ?? Because I'll tell you right here and now, if he has no respect for HER...he sure isn't going to be treating you any different sooner or later down the road...believe me ! (But that's getting way ahead of things here....lol...first you want to meet him !)
This is an excellant piece of advice. One of the first things I noticed about my husband is that he would go home from college just for Sunday dinner with his family at his grandma's house. But do find a guy that puts it in proper perspective..when you are married, you should come first.
OH...and DON'T move in with him !!! All the so called "logical" reasons for doing so suck wind....sorry, but they do ! If he wants the priviledge of living with you and all the benefits that apply to that arrangement....make him earn it by walking down the aisle with you......
Another great statement. A part of me really wanted to **** my parents off by living with him (yes, I was an evil child) ...but be realistic and look down the road. You loose so much by not being married, especially if you have children, the main thing being self respect.
All this is great advice..and it applies to guys looking for girls too... :) I know there are guys out there looking for the right girl too. How does a girl relate to her family? Her dad??
mishi8
10-20-2005, 4:56 PM
The advice about seeing how a man treats/speaks about his parents is good...it's very telling about how he views relationships. That was something that I was very conscious about when I was dating my husband...family relationships are very important to him...and now family is very important to us in our life together. The bonus for me is my inlaws are incredible people, and are a wonderful part of my life. :)
Regarding living together, I think that decision depends on your personal values, and marriage isn't more than a "piece of paper" to some people. I know a number of happy families where the parents have chosen not to be married, and are still together many years later. At the same time, I know a few people who did get married, had kids, and then divorced in the end.
I did choose to live with my husband before we were engaged, and am very happy that I did. Marriage was important to me too, though, and was a topic of discussion before we moved in together. We were engaged a few months after moving in together, and then married a year or so after that. :)
OrionGirl
10-20-2005, 5:02 PM
Just a point, people...Sharing your opinion on living together outside of marriage is fine, but let's not be pushy and presume too much, okay? Living together is like everything else in this world--in can be a terrible burden that does nothing to enhance a relationship, or it can be heaven. Judging someone else because of a simple choice like this is absurd.
Oh, and yes, I am one of those ya'll are judging. I am quite certain I lost no self-resect, nor dignity, nor anything else for having chosen to live with the man I ended up marrying before getting married. And if you think differently--that's in your eyes, and no concern on mine. Do I think everyone should live together before marriage? Nope. It worked for me, it doesn't work for others. Leave it at that.
I have just a couple points... When I was in my late teens and early 20's, the LAST thing I wanted to hear was that I was "too young" to be worried about finding a meaningful relationship. Maybe Riso doesn't feel that way, but I always hated people telling me I was "too young" to worry about finding Mr. Right.
I moved in with a boyfriend when I was 19 years old. We both had jobs, we paid our bills, we took care of ourselves and we had a BLAST!! We weren't looking to get married or have kids right off the bat, we just had fun! It didn't last, we broke up when I was 21, but I still don't regret doing it!
So, we broke up and I asked him to move out on Tuesday... And I SWORE to myself that I would NOT date anyone seriously for at LEAST a YEAR. On that Friday night, I didn't want to go home because he was still in the process of moving out and I didn't want any hassle, so a friend of mine offered me to go out with her and her boyfriend that night... Her boyfriend brought along a friend too. A totally unplanned set of circumstances... And now his friend is my wonderful husband of 6.5 years. (BTW-We dated for a year and a half, then lived together for a year and a half, THEN got engaged.)
All I'm saying is you never know when he's going to happen along. It may not be at the best time in your life. And like Blueiz said, it may be when you're 19, or 21 or 31... or 41.
:)
Riso-chan
10-20-2005, 5:35 PM
Thanx to everyone for their advice. I'm not in a rush, it's just that I get lonely alot, and that longing feeling comes along. I would like it to be someone who's a best friend first, I often hear that those relationships do well. I know everything will take time, and my GrandFather always tells me that it'll happen when I'm least expecting it. Seems to be funny how life turns out that way.:)
My biggest thing right now is that I need some frineds to hang out with. Most of my friends from college live too far from me, and I graduated last year, so I don't see them anymore. You guys are right though, I should try to find a club of some kind to meet with nearby. I have a few interests I think I could look into. Thanx again.
BTW, I personally don't want kids, nor do I really need to be married. Unless he wants to marry me, that's fine. I guess it must be that I'm sympathetic in that some women push for so too much that it scares the guy. The other thing is that I want to make sure he loves animals too, I just think it would work out better that way. I feel bad too that guys have to get up the nerve to go up to a girl and be rejected in a rude fashion sometimes, some women are just mean. I also think it sad that when a guy really wants someone loyal himself, often he gets dealt the same as some women when it comse to cheating. While I'm willing to comprimise with someone, I don't plan on letting anyone treating me like dirt. I think they'd get it right back if that happened, then I'd walk out the door. I'll take my time, I know that I get ahead of myself with worry, but I guess that it's just that I don't want to feel alone in my struggles. Again, thanx to everybody giving me advice and words of wisdom. ~Angela
This is an excellant piece of advice. One of the first things I noticed about my husband is that he would go home from college just for Sunday dinner with his family at his grandma's house. But do find a guy that puts it in proper perspective..when you are married, you should come first.
ABsolutely Nursie ! I was going to mention something about that, but the post was going to be a bit lengthy as it was....lol.....thanks for pointing that tidbit out !
You sure as heck don't want a MOMMAS boy !! Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference, but if he seems to be afraid of making mom mad if he doesn' show up one sunday...it's a sure sign he's still attached to the apron strings....
sumthin fishy
10-20-2005, 5:50 PM
RC:clap: :clap: what you just said would melt the heart of any good man (you got me all teary eyed):bowing: :bowing:
You deffinatly deserve the best!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Riso-chan
10-20-2005, 5:50 PM
I have just a couple points... When I was in my late teens and early 20's, the LAST thing I wanted to hear was that I was "too young" to be worried about finding a meaningful relationship. Maybe Riso doesn't feel that way, but I always hated people telling me I was "too young" to worry about finding Mr. Right.
......
All I'm saying is you never know when he's going to happen along. It may not be at the best time in your life. And like Blueiz said, it may be when you're 19, or 21 or 31... or 41.
:)
Yeah, I guess that expression does get old, but it doesn't bother me. I think when you realize that you can pair up with someone and not go through life alone, you just start to wonder how long it'll be 'til you have someone to be with. I hope it happens when I'm young though, I want to be able to still do lots of things when I meet that person, as well as having the security of not having to wait for someone anymore. The one pet peeve that I get is when peopel tell me "Oh, you're too young to know whether or not you want kids, just wait til you get a little older..." I've known ever since I was a little girl I didn't want kids. I never really played with dolls, or rush to hold a friend's baby either, what's that tell you? I want a very indepedent life, thanx. ~Angela
Debra Mark
10-20-2005, 5:51 PM
I totally agree with OG....every situation is unique and different, and what works for some doesn't necessarily work for others. My husband and I lived together for 7 years before we got married....and the only thing that really changed after marriage was my name! We just had our 20th wedding anniversary in August....has it been all sunshine and roses? Nope, we've had our share of ups and downs. Relationships always take work from both parties. Do I want to kill him sometimes....of course! he wouldn't be a husband if he didn't make you feel that way occasionally....lol. Am I glad we lived together first....absolutely....it worked for us!
And yes, A....I was a child bride....lol ;)
sumthin fishy
10-20-2005, 6:03 PM
Relationships always take work from both parties.
To add to this good advice, another piece of advice (from my pastor). A relationship is not a 50/50 deal. It will never work if you only give it half your effort. ;)
mishi8
10-20-2005, 6:08 PM
Yeah, I guess that expression does get old, but it doesn't bother me. I think when you realize that you can pair up with someone and not go through life alone, you just start to wonder how long it'll be 'til you have someone to be with. I hope it happens when I'm young though, I want to be able to still do lots of things when I meet that person, as well as having the security of not having to wait for someone anymore. The one pet peeve that I get is when peopel tell me "Oh, you're too young to know whether or not you want kids, just wait til you get a little older..." I've known ever since I was a little girl I didn't want kids. I never really played with dolls, or rush to hold a friend's baby either, what's that tell you? I want a very indepedent life, thanx. ~Angela
You're in a good position, then, knowing that you want to have an independent life. That means you have many years ahead of you to enjoy that independence. It's sad to hear that you're feeling lonely right now. But you know, if you're living life to the fullest and are making your life enjoyable for yourself, then it probably won't be long before someone comes along who wants to share that life with you. :)
Galaxie
10-20-2005, 6:54 PM
BTW, I personally don't want kids, nor do I really need to be married. Unless he wants to marry me, that's fine. I guess it must be that I'm sympathetic in that some women push for so too much that it scares the guy. The other thing is that I want to make sure he loves animals too, I just think it would work out better that way. I feel bad too that guys have to get up the nerve to go up to a girl and be rejected in a rude fashion sometimes, some women are just mean. I also think it sad that when a guy really wants someone loyal himself, often he gets dealt the same as some women when it comse to cheating. While I'm willing to comprimise with someone, I don't plan on letting anyone treating me like dirt. I think they'd get it right back if that happened, then I'd walk out the door. I'll take my time, I know that I get ahead of myself with worry, but I guess that it's just that I don't want to feel alone in my struggles. Again, thanx to everybody giving me advice and words of wisdom. ~Angela
http://mustanglife.tenmagazines.com/forums/images/love.gif
Larissa
10-20-2005, 9:01 PM
There are most definately good loyal guys out there but like others have mentioned, you never seem to find them when you're actively looking. I know it gets lonely sometimes, I'm sorry about that. Make sure that when you do get together with someone long term, they know how you feel about marriage, kids, etc. You don't want to invest your time, energy and heart into someone who say really wants children if you don't. I've been very blessed to have met my husband very young like bluiz. I got married at 18 and 8 years later I'm still married to the same wonderful man. I couldn't be happier but it doesn't work that way for everyone.
I think Galaxie's in love.....LOL ! http://www.planetsmilies.com/smilies/love/love0084.gif
Angela, there's absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting any kids. I have a very good friend who felt the same way....she's 43 and hasn't changed her mind yet...in fact, she married a fella who's "fixed"...heehee... same thing....she's always known she didn't want any...no questions about it....and her husband if obviously fine with it too...he has two from a previous marraige...
Watcher74
10-20-2005, 9:16 PM
Yeah, I know how it is to be lonely.
Crap I did that for a big chunk of my life.
My first girlfriend cheated on me and then killed herself when I wouldn't take her back.
I didn't so much as hold a girl's hand for 8 years after that.
By then I was so crushed with loneliness I decided on the wrong woman. And was mentally abused for a few years, until she threw me aside.
That after beating myself up for 8 years over the bad decisions of a young girl in my youth.
A couple years after that I met my wife.
3 beautiful kids and a loving, doting woman.
And I didn't search for her. I just found her.
Life is weird. But that's why I like it so much.
Everything that happens makes you you. And I wouldn't change it for anything.
Could have been a lot worse.
I could have been an A**hole. :p:
centralharbor
10-20-2005, 9:40 PM
A loyal girlfriend is harder to find. :D
Honestly, its more luck than anything. Im the same age as you (21) and Ive been in a relationship for 5 years now. But my girlfriend and I have both changed alot during that time, and our relationship is more rocky now than ever before.
im pretty much in that same situation. im 21, relationship going on for 3 years though. honestly, you should just try make friends. im shy, but i found a girlfriend through a friend and its been cool ever since. of course i do hate her every so often, but its more what she does than what she is. clubs and bars arent really the places to look for a significant other, id go to other places that you have common interests with, i.e. hang out at music stores or concerts (which could be at bars i guess).
one of my friends was joking with me, but i think she was serious, this was before she knew i had a girlfriend. the situation was she was talking with another friend how she broke up with her boyfriend recently and another person said that i'm a hot catch, then she said "i'll try anything once" or something to that effect. i guess what i'm trying to say is, dont take dating seriously, live it up, your young. find the right guy later, deal with the crap now, as long as it isnt really dangerous crap.
nursie
10-20-2005, 11:21 PM
Og..didn't mean to offend by coming off as a marriage proponet, I really don't care how others choose to live their lives. I guess the point I was trying to make was not to sell yourself short and hold fast to what you believe in. If you want marriage...hold out for it. If you don't..then don't let yourself be talked into it. The most important is to find someone who shares your beliefs.
Do consider legalities...there are legal benefits of marriage. Probably the most important happened to a patient we had. This couple had lived together for years, and had 4 children. He had a massive stroke, and when time came to be making decisions regarding his care needs, it was found that they were not legally married. So the woman whom he loved and shared his life with was not allowed to make decisions for his care, they had to track down his mother...out of state, and get her consent. To get things set up so his signigicant other could care for him, they had to obtain his mother's consent and his siblings consent to delegate her as his healthcare advocate.
Obviously, this is not necessarily a concern at the outset of a relationship...but don't let too may years drift by...this couple was only in their 30's.
Puffernewbee
10-20-2005, 11:31 PM
the futures not ours 2 C kay sarah sarah what will be will beeeee
That is "Que sera, sera" not "kay sarah sarah". Spanish for "what will be will be".
Dr. Phil visits Aquaria Central.
ashdavid
10-20-2005, 11:44 PM
Thanx to everyone for their advice. I'm not in a rush, it's just that I get lonely alot, and that longing feeling comes along. I would like it to be someone who's a best friend first, I often hear that those relationships do well. I know everything will take time, and my GrandFather always tells me that it'll happen when I'm least expecting it. Seems to be funny how life turns out that way.:)
My biggest thing right now is that I need some frineds to hang out with. Most of my friends from college live too far from me, and I graduated last year, so I don't see them anymore. You guys are right though, I should try to find a club of some kind to meet with nearby. I have a few interests I think I could look into. Thanx again.
BTW, I personally don't want kids, nor do I really need to be married. Unless he wants to marry me, that's fine. I guess it must be that I'm sympathetic in that some women push for so too much that it scares the guy. The other thing is that I want to make sure he loves animals too, I just think it would work out better that way. I feel bad too that guys have to get up the nerve to go up to a girl and be rejected in a rude fashion sometimes, some women are just mean. I also think it sad that when a guy really wants someone loyal himself, often he gets dealt the same as some women when it comse to cheating. While I'm willing to comprimise with someone, I don't plan on letting anyone treating me like dirt. I think they'd get it right back if that happened, then I'd walk out the door. I'll take my time, I know that I get ahead of myself with worry, but I guess that it's just that I don't want to feel alone in my struggles. Again, thanx to everybody giving me advice and words of wisdom. ~Angela
You sound so much like me when I was younger. You say you are lonely, well I know how you feel, I used to always have to have someone around the house, a friend or a family member or I would get so lonely it was scary. Then I moved to Japan (for work at that time), and let me tell you when you can't speak the language(I am fluent now) and you can't express what you are trying to say or feeling, well this is the meaning of lonelyness. I had no one, I lived in a 15' * 9' appartment, no family, no english to listen to on the TV, no computer, making a phone call home would cost about $1 a minute, no friends, and no one who spoke english where I worked. That was the deffenition of lonely. This may not have a lot to do with you, but what I am trying to say is once you learn how to cope with lonelyness, you will find choosing someone will be a lot easier, mainly b/c you will be strong enough to not need to depend on someone all your life. I am not saying that deppendence is bad, but as they say everything in small amouts is best, or should I say too much of something is not good.
Galaxie
10-21-2005, 8:31 AM
Do consider legalities...there are legal benefits of marriage.
There are certainly tax advantages too. Especially when there are children.
happychem
10-21-2005, 9:24 AM
Don't you folks have common-law marriages down there? In Canada after you've lived together for over a year you're effectively married.
I've yet to see any tax advantages, though. All I've seen is a higher tax braket because of our "combined household income". Bah!
Dangerdoll
10-21-2005, 9:58 AM
in most states that do recognize the law (some don't), the common-law marriage takes effect after 7 years and nothing short of it.
OrionGirl
10-21-2005, 10:06 AM
Yes, there are benefits to being married. But there are benefits to being single, benefits to being in a stable relationship, etc. A tax perk is not a reason to get married!
Happy--common law marriages exist, but the length of time you must live together varies by the state, and in order to have the relationship officially recognized, you still must apply for a marriage license and have it signed, etc. Without that, most states/governmentsdo not legally recognize the relationship, nor give benefits based on it, until someone dies or the relationship dissolves. Then, all property becomes joint property (ie, if one member owned a house, the other person can demand half).
mishi8
10-21-2005, 10:44 AM
There are certainly tax advantages too. Especially when there are children.
Depends on where you live. In Canada, Common-law partners have the same rights as those who are married. And there are really no tax benefits to speak of...in fact, it can place a couple/family into a higher tax bracket.
There are no real tax advantages to having kids either (in most provinces.) There is a monthly payment (Child Tax Benefit), but it is reduced/eliminated as household income goes up...essentially a very small amount of money. Also, if only one member of the household works, there is no tax break...but if both parents work, then there is a day care write off. I find that very unfair to those who choose to scrape by with one income in order to raise their own kids...there should at least be some equivalent benefit!
nursie
10-21-2005, 4:12 PM
How does common law status come into play with things like employer based health insurance, retirement benefits and social security?
Not sure about the health insurance, but retirement benefits (health insurance and prescription drug benefits) and social security go to the surviving spouse. May not mean anything now to younger people, but I work with an older population of people and it can mean a lot of money.
On the other hand, I had a friend that's husband was a fireman that died at work. She had health insurance and a penion for life that she didn't dare give up by remarrying. Unless of course there was a better offer..lol.
Debra Mark
10-21-2005, 4:20 PM
Nursie....I'm not sure about the retirement and social security, but I know our health benefits and insurance at work provide for either a married spouse, or a commonlaw one and/or children....
Harlock
10-21-2005, 4:20 PM
How does common law status come into play with things like employer based health insurance, retirement benefits and social security?
Not sure about the health insurance, but retirement benefits (health insurance and prescription drug benefits) and social security go to the surviving spouse. May not mean anything now to younger people, but I work with an older population of people and it can mean a lot of money.
On the other hand, I had a friend that's husband was a fireman that died at work. She had health insurance and a penion for life that she didn't dare give up by remarrying. Unless of course there was a better offer..lol.
Some of that is changing. When I worked for BCBS we could insure anyone we could prove was dependent (children, parents who lived with you, etc) as well as a "significant other" which could even be same sex, legally recognized or not. these could also be named beneficiaries on policies we had.
At any rate, I AM a marriage proponent. I happen to think it's how things are intended to be. That's my opinion o course and I don;t really care who disagrees with me about that. I'm too old to worry about what other people think about what i think they may think I think about what they think about what i think. Someone doesn't like my opinion, great, I just hope they reached that conclusion themselves and are not regurgitating some drivel they heard on Dr. Phil, from a professor, or minister, or parent, etc.
Dangerdoll
10-21-2005, 4:22 PM
actually, in Jersey, earlier this year they passed a "domestic partner law" which made it legal for people who merely resided together to cover each other under their benefits as far as medical and all that. I thought it was National but I could be wrong and it could be just Jersey. I think it was more geared to Homosexuals but it doesn't specify the sex and my sister just added her live in boyfriend to her benefits under the law.
Harlock
10-21-2005, 4:24 PM
actually, in Jersey, earlier this year they passed a "domestic partner law" which made it legal for people who merely resided together to cover each other under their benefits as far as medical and all that. I thought it was National but I could be wrong and it could be just Jersey. I think it was more geared to Homosexuals but it doesn't specify the sex and my sister just added her live in boyfriend to her benefits under the law.
Jersey was the stae with the gay governor, correct? Hmmm... :idea:
OrionGirl
10-21-2005, 4:26 PM
I wasn't saying people shouldn't be in favor of marriage, just that to me, saying "I'm in favor of getting married before living together" is different than "What ever you do, don't live together first".
Dangerdoll
10-21-2005, 4:27 PM
:huh: I guess it happens.....
anonapersona
10-21-2005, 4:42 PM
I just know that the people who have meant the most in my life--friends, and my husband, weren't people I looked for. Most of them aren't even people I have tons in common with, either. They are people that I met in different circumstances--work, a bar, a class, online...And ended up really liking and wanting to build a relationship with them.
I think the important point hidden in this is that you DO have to speak to strangers, make some sort of small talk to find out about them, they might be very nice and worth knowing. I wonder how many people we all pass by each day, not breaking into each other's space?
OrionGirl
10-21-2005, 4:43 PM
Harlock--Casper Wyoming has had a gay governor for a number of years.
Harlock
10-21-2005, 4:52 PM
Harlock--Casper Wyoming has had a gay governor for a number of years.
Yes, I just thought it interesting that Jersey would pas that law. Reminds me of the old adage one of my Government professors drilled into us in college, "Politics is self interest". Does Wyoming have a similar law out of curiosity?
Oh, and yes, I am one of those ya'll are judging. I am quite certain I lost no self-resect, nor dignity, nor anything else for having chosen to live with the man I ended up marrying before getting married. And if you think differently--that's in your eyes, and no concern on mine. Do I think everyone should live together before marriage? Nope. It worked for me, it doesn't work for others. Leave it at that.
OG.....no one was judging anyone here as far as I could read it......in fact......I too lived with my husband before we married, so I was speaking from experience. It was a bad move and one I would NOT repeat if I could go back and do it all over again.
mishi8
10-22-2005, 12:42 AM
How does common law status come into play with things like employer based health insurance, retirement benefits and social security?
Not sure about the health insurance, but retirement benefits (health insurance and prescription drug benefits) and social security go to the surviving spouse. May not mean anything now to younger people, but I work with an older population of people and it can mean a lot of money.
Yes, common law is considered the same as married in the eyes of the law (in Canada)...and same-sex couples have had those same legal rights since 2000.
Riso-chan
10-23-2005, 5:15 PM
You sound so much like me when I was younger. You say you are lonely, well I know how you feel, I used to always have to have someone around the house, a friend or a family member or I would get so lonely it was scary. Then I moved to Japan (for work at that time), and let me tell you when you can't speak the language(I am fluent now) and you can't express what you are trying to say or feeling, well this is the meaning of lonelyness. I had no one, I lived in a 15' * 9' appartment, no family, no english to listen to on the TV, no computer, making a phone call home would cost about $1 a minute, no friends, and no one who spoke english where I worked. That was the deffenition of lonely. This may not have a lot to do with you, but what I am trying to say is once you learn how to cope with lonelyness, you will find choosing someone will be a lot easier, mainly b/c you will be strong enough to not need to depend on someone all your life. I am not saying that deppendence is bad, but as they say everything in small amouts is best, or should I say too much of something is not good.
Yeah, I know what you mean. I've been on my own for alot of my life, but I have gotten benefits from it. You learn from it. I'm glad I'm not really that dependent on others, because I've had lots of people let me down. But I learned to let it roll off my back like water, it may sting a little, but I can let it go and get on with my life now. You also become very observant of people on the outside, and learn to read their actions and such. It helps sometimes to watch people how they act while you're not being noticed yourself, because that way you can take mental notes. ~Angela
Riso-chan
10-23-2005, 5:21 PM
im pretty much in that same situation. im 21, relationship going on for 3 years though. honestly, you should just try make friends. im shy, but i found a girlfriend through a friend and its been cool ever since. of course i do hate her every so often, but its more what she does than what she is. clubs and bars arent really the places to look for a significant other, id go to other places that you have common interests with, i.e. hang out at music stores or concerts (which could be at bars i guess).
one of my friends was joking with me, but i think she was serious, this was before she knew i had a girlfriend. the situation was she was talking with another friend how she broke up with her boyfriend recently and another person said that i'm a hot catch, then she said "i'll try anything once" or something to that effect. i guess what i'm trying to say is, dont take dating seriously, live it up, your young. find the right guy later, deal with the crap now, as long as it isnt really dangerous crap.
I actually wouldn't mind skipping the crap, but I imagine I'll still face some. I would prefer not to fool around too much, I mean flirting and stuff like that's cool, but I just don't want something to happen with someone unless it's serious. I guess I'm scared of making a mistake of the heart, or getting involved with someone under false pretenses. I'll take your advice though, and try to have fun with friends and other people. Thanx:)~Angela
Galaxie
10-23-2005, 5:27 PM
I guess I'm scared of making a mistake of the heart, or getting involved with someone under false pretenses.
Didn't someone once say "Its better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all." ?
When you get older you'll understand that so many of the things you did when young are just chalked up as experience and are just there to give you a better perspective as you get older. No reason to be afraid.
Riso-chan
10-23-2005, 10:00 PM
Didn't someone once say "Its better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all." ?
When you get older you'll understand that so many of the things you did when young are just chalked up as experience and are just there to give you a better perspective as you get older. No reason to be afraid.
I suppose you're right. I know I might go through a few before I find the right one for me, but I just want to be clear and level headed about it. I just hope it won't be too far from now that I find that someone. I really don't think I'll end up actively looking, it's a little too awkward I guess, and from what everyone tells me it ends up happening when you least expect it. So, I guess it would be best for now to just go somewhere I can meet people with common interests, make friends and go from there. So far, I've had lots of experiences that have ended up being chalked up to experience already. I'm a little afraid of getting hurt I guess, that's the thing that makes me the most nervous. I just hope when/if I find love, that it isn't lost at all. :) ~Angela
insomniac.vivi
10-23-2005, 10:43 PM
Before my current girlfriend, I've had 4 failed relationships, all before I was 18. I'm always faithful (to answer the question way at the front of the thread, lol!) and never thought about cheating on my girlfriend.
The thing is, trust depends on mutuality. If you don't trust your boyfriend, why should he trust YOU? Remember that he has feelings too. Despite how some may feel, I love it when my girlfriend expresses her feelings. I don't want to be in the dark about how she feels about something, let alone about us.
My past girlfriends where during puberty, which would explain a lot of them and the reasons why they failed, which I'll mostly just touch on. Going in depth requires a large amount of brain power and being awake, both of which I'm not up to right now.
The basic thing is, before you decide to start dating a guy, make sure you know for SURE who he is, inside and out. Become friends first! Be foreward about things you don't like about certain guys. Be sure to tell him you don't like going out and getting drunk every weekend. (Don't just scream this the first time you see him- bring it up like "So what do you do on your days off/the weekend?")
Ask him about music. Sports. His family. You can ask a guy just about any question. The sort of information they are giving you is doubtfully incriminating, and is more of general knowledge about someone a friend would know, which is the status you will want to be shooting for in the first place.
If it gets to the point where you are really good friends and he hasn't asked you out, ASK HIM OUT. Don't promote the idiotic stereotype where the guy has to ask the girl out. Asking him will no doubt surprise him, but it will also show to him that you are willing to take this a litte farther. I can tell you that as a guy, it's equally stressful not knowing if the girl you have been building a relationship with is interested in you that way.