Flying

[greeneyedlady]

Comments heard on an airplane.
> >
> >
> > All too rarely, flight attendants make an effort to make the
in-flight
> > "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here
> are
> >some
> > real examples that have been heard or reported by passengers:
> >
> >
> > On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit
> where
> >you
> > want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing,
> when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not
> picking out
> >furniture
> > here, find a seat and get in it!"
> >
> > On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant
> crew,
the
> > pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising
> altitude
and
> >will be
> > turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to
enhance
> > the appearance of your flight attendants."
> >
> > On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of
> your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make
> sure it's something we'd like to have."
> >
> > There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4
> ways
out
> > of this airplane"
> >
> > "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
> >giving
> > us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
> >
> > As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a
> lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
> >
> > After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
> Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced,
> "Please take care
> >when opening
> > the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that,
> sure as
> >hell
> > everything has shifted."
> >
> > >From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest
> Flight
> >245
> > to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into
> the
> >buckle,
> > and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if
> you
> >don't
> > know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
> >unsupervised."
> >
> > "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will
> descend
> >from
> > the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
face.
> >If
> > you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
> before
> >assisting
> > with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child,
pick
> >your
> > favorite."
> >
> > Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
> but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember,
> >nobody
> > loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
> >
> > "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
> belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among
> the flight
> >attendants.
> > Please do not leave children or spouses."
> >
> > And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
> >pleased
> > to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
> >Unfortunately,
> > none of them are on this flight!"
> >
> > Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in
> Salt
Lake
> > City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That
> was
> >quite a
> > bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it
> >wasn't the
> > airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the
> flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
> >
> > Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect
> landing:
"We
> > ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
> the terminal."
> >
> > An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
> hammered
> >his
> > ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
> >required
> > the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers
> exited,
> >smile,
> > and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in
light
> >of his bad
> > landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,
thinking
> > that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had
> gotten
> >off
> > except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir,
> do
> >you mind if I ask
> > you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
> The
> >little old
> > lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
> >
> > Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank
> > you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get
> the
> >insane
> > urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
> tube, we
> >hope you'll
> > think of US Airways."
> >
> > A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
> comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement
> over
the
> > intercom,
> > "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
Flight
> >Number
> > 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is
> good
> >and,
> > therefore, we should have a smooth and
> > uneventful flight. So, sit back and relax..................OH, MY
GOD!"
> > Silence followed. After a few minutes, the captain came back on
> the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I
> scared
you
> >earlier. While
> > I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled
> hot
> >coffee in
> > my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in
> Coach
> >yelled
> > out, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!!"
> >

 

[Fishsmurf]

An old one but a good one. Love the one about the little old lady getting shot down.... :laugh:

 

[MyShrimpDied]

That last one was hilarious, keep em comin'

~ MyShrimpDied

 

[jamjarjames]

heres mine:

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during
the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct
the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form
what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets
before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humor!
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as
submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers.
(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

 

[kveeti]

Those were all good reading! But for some reason this one,

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

absolutely cracked me up.

Thanks greeneyedlady and jamjarjames for a morning chuckle.