From the "No Free Lunch" file, let's take a look one of the more widespread offers circulating online for a free Apple iPod.
This one is from something called Incentive Reward Center, which is typically reached via Web-site banner ads and promises a "free*" iPod that normally sells for $399.
In the asterisked fine print below, the firm says that receiving your free iPod depends on the following conditions: "completion of offer terms," "completion of user survey" and "participation in sponsor offers."
What it doesn't say is that the offer terms will expose you to reams of spam and marketing solicitations, that the user survey is actually a lengthy marketing ploy, and that the sponsor offers needed to qualify for that free music player will almost certainly cost you money.
It also doesn't say that Incentive Reward Center is in fact a Florida business entity called Theuseful.com, which is in fact a fictitious business name registered by another Florida business entity called NiuTech.
As for NiuTech, the Better Business Bureau says the company has an "unsatisfactory record ... due to unanswered complaints concerning advertising and delivery issues."
Eddie Anazagasty, a spokesman for the Better Business Bureau, said 177 complaints against NiuTech have been lodged by consumers during the past three years over difficulties in obtaining promised goods like iPods and laptop computers.
"That's a lot," he said. "And the company hasn't responded to us. Those aren't good signs."
No one at NiuTech returned my repeated calls for comment.
But what makes this program especially troubling is that NiuTech has partnered with some of the biggest names in the business world for the iPod offer.
Clicking through the labyrinthine promotion (as I've done) turns up the likes of AOL, Bertelsmann, Blockbuster, Citibank, EarthLink, General Motors and USA Today, to name just a few.
Here's how it works:
To get the ball rolling you have to provide your name, address, e-mail address and date of birth. That starts the survey, which is actually dozens of solicitations, one at a time, page after page, asking whether you want more info on such things as credit cards, home loans or "a high-paying job in the construction industry."
Clicking your way past this barrage of come-ons finally gets you to the meat of the matter. Incentive Reward Center says you have to sign up for at least two offers from participating firms to get your hands on that free iPod.
It looks like there might be some freebies here, but most of the offers are for DVD and music services, credit cards and other such strings-attached programs.
Then you're presented with another list of marketers from which you have to sign up for another two pitches.
And then you're presented with yet another list of marketers from which, yes, two more offers must be accepted. (My favorite: a human growth hormone from Germany that purports to regenerate "skin, muscle, hair and bones.")
The final round of offers is virtually impossible to escape without agreeing to commit some money to a product or service.
I followed the process to the end but didn't sign up for anything. If I had, Incentive Reward Center says I'd have to remain as a member of each marketer's plan for about eight weeks to receive proof that I'd signed up.
Then I'd have to send in the six pieces of evidence to Incentive Reward Center, a.k.a. Theuseful.com, a.k.a. NiuTech, to claim my free iPod.
Is it legit? Well, Incentive Reward Center's site includes testimonials from a number of satisfied customers. Declares Christopher Alves of Palmdale (Los Angeles County): "IPods rock, and you guys rock harder! Thanks!!!"
There's no listing in Palmdale or surrounding communities for a Christopher Alves, so I wasn't able to confirm that iPods and Incentive Reward Center do indeed rock.
But I was able to reach another testimonial giver, 29-year-old Benjamin Culbert of Ephrata, Pa., who is pictured online holding his iPod box and giving a thumbs-up sign.
"Thanks so much for my iPod!" he's quoted as saying. "This was the easiest free gift and the reps are the nicest to work with. Thanks again!"
In fact, Culbert told me the testimonial was solicited and paid for by Incentive Reward Center.
"They said if I sent in a picture of myself with the product, they would send me a $50 debit card," he said. "So that's what I did."
Meanwhile, a close look at Theuseful.com's "terms & conditions" turns up some interesting language. For instance:
"Theuseful reserves the right to: a) substitute any gift item with another of similar functionality (including a working model that has been used/refurbished), b) substitute any gift item with another of similar value, c) send a member the cash equivalent of the gift item (such as via a check)."
A used iPod -- now there's an attractive offer. And what, you have to wonder, is the cash equivalent of an ostensibly free music player?
Moreover, Theuseful.com's privacy policy says it can share customers' personal info with its marketing partners "in order to bring you valuable services."
"Theuseful's trusted partners agree to abide by their respective privacy policies," it says. (Think about that for a second -- they're agreeing to follow their own rules, whatever they may be.)
"Theuseful and partners may send you information via various available channels and segmented lists," the policy says. "When you unsubscribe from one list, you will not be unsubscribed from all lists."
In other words, you're on your own out there, spamwise, and getting off the mountain of mailing lists you'll end up on will be a long walk indeed.
Some offers of free iPods out there may be valid. A Washington, D.C., company called Gratis Internet runs a site called FreeiPods.com, which is similar in most ways to Incentive Reward Center but seems to have better online buzz.
One big difference: Not only do you have to sign up for a marketing pitch at FreeiPods.com, but you have to persuade five friends to do the same before you'll get your player. (If your pals are also chasing iPods, they too will have to persuade five friends to sign up, and so on.)
I asked Culbert, who was paid by Incentive Reward Center to gush about the service, how much his free iPod actually cost him.
He said one of the pitches he was required to sign up for cost about $150. But Culbert said he got half the money back after he complained to the merchant, a credit card provider, that he'd been misled.
Would he recommend programs like this to others?
"I wouldn't recommend it to the average person," Culbert replied. "You really have to know what you're doing, signing up for things and then canceling them. You have to document everything you do."
But at least he finally got his iPod.
"I ended up selling it on eBay," Culbert said happily. "I got $400 for it. "
