Saw these today and thought they were funny:
A traveling salesmen is driving down the road and pulls into the driveway for a farm house. While driving up the lane he sees a pen with a three legged pig running around inside. The pig is having a great time running to and fro and rolling in the mud. The Salesman is fascinated by this 3 legged pig. Intent on learning more about he pig he continues up the lane.
After a finishing his business with the farmer and his wife the Salesman is about to leave when he remembers the pig. So he askes the farmer why the pig only has three legs?
The Farmer replies:
"Well a while back it was late one night, and the whole family had gone to bed. Well, a fire had started in the kitchen, but nobody noticed - being asleep and all. Well, the pig noticed, and he started running around, jumping all over the pen, and squealing like mad. He woke us up, and we were able to get out safely. That pig saved our lives."
"Wow. That is increadible." said the Salesman.
"Sure is. Another time I was out in the field on my tractor trying to pull out a stump. Well, that tractor went and flipped on me. I was pinned under unable to call for help. I just knew I was gonna die. Well that pig did it again. He ran around his pen, and busted straight through it. Then he came charging over to me and started diggen me out. That pig pulled me to safety, and saved my life."
"Amazing" said the Salesman.
"Sure is" said the Farmer.
"But you haven't told me why the pig only has 3 legs?" inquired the Salesman.
"Oh, well.... A pig like that you can't eat all at once!"
________________________
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon arrival the doctor said that he had invented a machine that would transfer a portion of the labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob at 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to bump the machine up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20%. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At 50% the husband was still holding up fine, since this was obviously helping out his wife he encouraged the doctor to transfer all of the pain.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were absolutely thrilled. Everything was great until they got home and found the mailman dead on their porch.
____________________________
A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes around the
house and into the backyard and sees a handsome Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars", says the owner.
The guy says, "This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."
______________________
Duck walks into a bar, sits down and asks the bartender if he has any grapes. Bartender says no, sorry, dont have any grapes. Next day the duck comes back, asks the bartender again if he has any grapes. Bartender says no, we dont have grapes, this is a bar. Next day same thing happens, only the bartender tells the duck the next time he asks for grapes he is going to nail his bill to the bar. Duck walks in the next day, the bartender is steaming b/c he sees this duck. Duck asks the bartender if he has any nails, bartender says no...then the duck asks, got any grapes?
A traveling salesmen is driving down the road and pulls into the driveway for a farm house. While driving up the lane he sees a pen with a three legged pig running around inside. The pig is having a great time running to and fro and rolling in the mud. The Salesman is fascinated by this 3 legged pig. Intent on learning more about he pig he continues up the lane.
After a finishing his business with the farmer and his wife the Salesman is about to leave when he remembers the pig. So he askes the farmer why the pig only has three legs?
The Farmer replies:
"Well a while back it was late one night, and the whole family had gone to bed. Well, a fire had started in the kitchen, but nobody noticed - being asleep and all. Well, the pig noticed, and he started running around, jumping all over the pen, and squealing like mad. He woke us up, and we were able to get out safely. That pig saved our lives."
"Wow. That is increadible." said the Salesman.
"Sure is. Another time I was out in the field on my tractor trying to pull out a stump. Well, that tractor went and flipped on me. I was pinned under unable to call for help. I just knew I was gonna die. Well that pig did it again. He ran around his pen, and busted straight through it. Then he came charging over to me and started diggen me out. That pig pulled me to safety, and saved my life."
"Amazing" said the Salesman.
"Sure is" said the Farmer.
"But you haven't told me why the pig only has 3 legs?" inquired the Salesman.
"Oh, well.... A pig like that you can't eat all at once!"
________________________
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon arrival the doctor said that he had invented a machine that would transfer a portion of the labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob at 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to bump the machine up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20%. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At 50% the husband was still holding up fine, since this was obviously helping out his wife he encouraged the doctor to transfer all of the pain.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were absolutely thrilled. Everything was great until they got home and found the mailman dead on their porch.
____________________________
A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes around the
house and into the backyard and sees a handsome Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars", says the owner.
The guy says, "This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."
______________________
Duck walks into a bar, sits down and asks the bartender if he has any grapes. Bartender says no, sorry, dont have any grapes. Next day the duck comes back, asks the bartender again if he has any grapes. Bartender says no, we dont have grapes, this is a bar. Next day same thing happens, only the bartender tells the duck the next time he asks for grapes he is going to nail his bill to the bar. Duck walks in the next day, the bartender is steaming b/c he sees this duck. Duck asks the bartender if he has any nails, bartender says no...then the duck asks, got any grapes?
