Joke thread

A man was talking to god he asked "God, why did you make women so beautiful?"
God replied " So you would love her"
"But god," the man asked " why make did you make her so dumb?"
God replied " So she would love you."
 
A cop pulls over a car for not stopping at a stop sign. He walks up to car and asks the driver

"Do you know why I pulled you over?"

The driver replies "no sir, I don't"

The cop says "you didn't stop at that stop sign back there"

the driver answers "well, I did slow down. Stop, slow down, what's the difference?"

The cop says "step out of the car please"

The driver gets out and the cop starts beating him over the head with his nightstick

"now" asks the cop "do you want me to stop, or do you want me to slow down?"




Same cop (he's a real jerk) pulls over a car for speeding. The driver and his passenger are two 17 year old kids.

May I see your drivers license please?"

As the driver reaches for his wallet the cop takes out his nightstick and raps him over the head.

"Ow" screams the kid "what did you do that for?"

"you were a little slow getting out your license. I need to speed you up"

As the kid finishes getting out his license the cop looks over and sees the passenger staring straight ahead with his hands folded in his lap.

"let me see your registration please"

As the driver reaches for the glove compartment the cop raps him over the head again.

"Ow" screams the kid "why did you do that?"

"you were a little slow getting out your registration. I need to speed you up"

As the kid finishes getting out his registration the cop looks over and again sees the passenger staring straight ahead with his hands folded in his lap.

The cop writes out the ticket, hands it to the driver and says "sign here please"

As the kid reaches for the ticket book the cop hits him over the head again with his nightstick.

"ow, now why did you do that"

"you were a little slow signing the ticket. I need to speed you up"

The kid finishes signing the ticket and the cop looks over and again sees the passenger staring straight ahead with his hands folded in his lap.

The cop take the ticket book back, tears off the copy and hands it to the driver. Then he slowly walks around to the passenger side of the car. All the while the passenger is sitting dead still staring straight ahead with his hands folded in his lap. The cop raps on the window and the kid slowly lowers it. Once the window is all the way down, out of the blue the cop takes his night stick and beats the passenger with it.

"Ow" cries the kid "why did you do that"

"that's so you don't get a mile down the road and you say "man if he had done that to me I would have kicked his ***"
 
my neighbors chihuahua comes into my yard everyday and barks at my pitbull through the glass and marks the yard like he owns the place and then my large house cat starts sneaking up on him like he is tracking a mouse and then tries to pounce on him and even then i have to pick him up and put him back in the other yardwhere he still barks at my pitbull

true story:grinyes:
 
A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.
In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been 'called home to glory' following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I've Arrived!
I've just arrived and have checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
(P.S. Sure is hot down here!) Shelly
 
good one steve...

Here's one I made up a few years ago while looking at a menu...

What do you call an Irishman on fire?


Paddy melt
 
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