Made me laugh

[Rbishop]

Yesterday I was at my local store buying a large bag of Purina
dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, and was in the
checkout line when the woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I
was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't,
because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50
pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes
coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so
it works well and I was going to try it again.. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my
story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the
dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an
Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard.

 

[OrionGirl]

Little Susie was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-face youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Susie?"

"My goldfish died," replied Susie tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Susie patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your damn cat."

 

[Rbishop]

lmao!!!

 

[sumthin fishy]

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

 

[SnakeIce]

Donald Trump wants to ban Muslims. I don't think that will work, if we learned anything from prohibition it is that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.

 

[rufioman]

Lol, great ones. A man walks into a bar with a giraffe.....

 

[Kannan Fodder]

I hear this one at least once a month. A customer walks in, usually an adult, and asks "Do you have those lizards that change colors?" For clarification I ask, "Do you mean the ones in the Valspar paint commercials?"

 

[SnakeIce]

A rolling stone gathers no moss,
But a rolling snowball gathers mucho mas.

 

[SnakeIce]

Question: How do you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
Answer: Any way you want, because a concrete floor is very hard to crack.

 

[Kannan Fodder]

So I'm watching some cheesy movie on SyFy that features fairly decent CGI dragons (for SyFy) and the standard bad acting, when all of a sudden my 2 year old black lab starts "panic barking" at something in the house - specifically on the ceiling. He's barking at the ceiling fan, which has been running for a month straight.