southern (US) jokes

[magakitty]

The Redneck Dictionary of Medical Terms
Benign.............................What you be after you be eight.
Artery.............................The study of paintings.
Bacteria...........................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium.............................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section...................A neighborhood in Rome.
CATscan............................Searching for kitty.
Cauterize..........................Made eye contact with her.
Colic..............................A sheep dog.
Coma...............................A punctuation mark.
D & C..............................Where Washington is.
Dilate.............................To live long.
Enema..............................Not a friend.
Fester.............................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula.............................A small lie.
Genital............................Non-Jewish person.
G.I. Series........................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail...........................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent...........................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain.........................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff......................A Doctor's cane.
Morbid.............................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates...........................Cheaper than day rates.
Node...............................I knew it.
Outpatient.........................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear..........................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis.............................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative.....................A letter carrier.
Recovery Room......................Place to do upholstery.
Rectum.............................**** near killed him.
Secretion..........................Hiding something.
Seizure............................Roman emperor.
Tablet.............................A small table.
Terminal Illness...................Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor..............................More than one.
Urine..............................Opposite of you're out.
Varicose...........................Near by/close by.

 

[magakitty]

Technology for country folk
~ LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
~ LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
~ MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove.
~ DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truk.
~ MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin' the farwood.
~ FLOPPY DISC: Whutcha git from tryin' ta carry too much farwood.
~ RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
~ HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time.
~ PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
~ WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it's cold outside.
~ SCREEN: Whut to shut when it's blak fly season.
~ BYTE: Whut dem dang flys do.
~ CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.
~ MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the munchie bag.
~ MODEM: Whacha did to the hay fields.
~ DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife.
~ LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.
~ KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the keys.
~ SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifes.
~ MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.
~ MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn ruf.
~ PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine.
~ ENTER: Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all".
~ RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya can't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yer wife asks.
~ MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.

 

[Malefic23]

Let's not forget the word "Youtes". It means you-all, or your, and is used almost exclusively within 30 miles of the southern end of the blue ridge parkway.


I did actually ask a hillbilly the difference between yonder and yon. Yonder is "Off the mountain"

"Four wheeling" is an acceptable second date so long as you don't use HER four wheeler...

A pig pickin' is a group meal where you roast a whole, or half pig. It does'nt mean we're teasing a sow, or selecting livestock.

Laingpippe (lan-yap) is a word used exclusively in the deep deep south. It's from New Orleans and means "a little something extra for free".

I've never kissed my cousin, though my brother tried once.

The good ole boy network makes the mob, mafia, cia, fbi, and nsa look weak by comparison for it's ability to spread gossip and wield power.

Nepotism is for northeners. Down here we like keeping things in the family.

Georgians are still touchy about Atlanta getting torched by Sherman.

A southerner traveling outside of the south feels very much like an isralite traveling in saudi arabia.

 

[magakitty]

You Might be a Yankee If...

1) You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."

2) You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!

3) You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce"
correctly.

4) For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.

5) You don't know what a moon pie is.

6) You've never had grain alcohol.

7) You've never, ever, eaten Okra.

8) You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

9) You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on
road trips.

10) You have no idea what a polecat is.

11) Whenever someone tells an off*color joke about farm animals, it goes
over your head.

12) You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

13) You don't have bangs.

14) You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.

15) More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the
same prep school in Connecticut.

16) You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get
his own TV fishing show.

17) Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you
guys," even if both of them are women.

18) You don't think Howard Stern has an accent.

19) You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun*and*knife
show.

20) You think more money should go to important scientific research at
your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.

21) You don't have at least one can of WD*40 somewhere around the house.

22) The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting
on An on*ramp on the highway.

23) You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.

24) The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman
Marcus.

25) You call binoculars opera glasses.

26) You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the
road and stopping.

27) You would never wear pink or an appliqued sweatshirt.

28) You don't know what appliqued is.

29) Most of your formative high school sexual experiences took place within
the context of a football game.

30) You don't know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob,
Bubba Kay Bob, Bob Bob)

31) You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.

32) You've never been to a craft show.

33) You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.

34) You can't do your laundry without quarters.

35) None of your fur coats are homemade.

 

[magakitty]

Your Abbreviated Guide to Proper YankeeTalk

And they say we talk funny?!

If your unfortunate enough to have to visit Yankee Country - like Boston (pronounced BAH-stin), this guide may help you understand what they are sayin', (but I doubt it).

Pahty: A place to go to drink and socialize - nothing to do with Mother Nature.
ah: The letter between "q" & "s."
ahnt: Sistah of your fathah or muthah.
bah: Serves beah and hahd likkah: "The train to Noo Yok has a bah cah."
bay ah: Ferocious brown or black animal.
beah: Malt beverage.
bahn: As in: "What yeah were you bahn in?"
bzah: Strange, odd.
Chahlz: The rivah.
chowdah: Clams, milk, buttah.
cahn: Stahchy veggie that comes on a cob.
connah: Where streets intersect.
fah: Not neah heah
fahk: What you eat pahster with.
fiah: Blaze
Gahden: What they closed last yeah (also a place to plant flowahs.)
hahbah: What they dumped tea into in 1773.
Hahvid: Preppy college across the rivah.
hahf-ahst: Done without regahd to detail.
heah: Done with the eahs. "Listen my children, and you shall heah of the midnight ride of Paul Reveah."
khakis: What you staht the cah with and keep on yawh key chain.
nawtheastah: Stahm that blows in from the wottah.
Noo Yok: Sinkhole 240 miles south of Tremont Street.
owah: Sixty minutes.
pahk: Cahn't do it in Hahvad Yahd. Not downtown, eithah.
pahster: spaghetti, ziti, etc.
pastah: The rectah of a parish, like St. Mahgrits.
pichahs: They throw fastballs at Fenway.
Rawjah: He *used to* throw the fastest fastballs at Fenway.....
Reveah: He rode through Ahlington on a hoss shouting, "To Ahms!"
shuah: Of course
shot: Not tall.
wof: A peeah, jutting into the hahbah.
wottah: H2O yeah: A 365 day period.

 

[magakitty]

Redneck Etiquette - DRIVING ETIQUETTE

• • Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
  • When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
  • Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
  • When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
  • Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
  • Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
  • Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
    
    

PERSONAL HYGIENE

Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.

If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours.
Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.
DINING OUT

• Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.
  
  Redneck Etiquette - ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
• A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
• Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are.
• If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.

DATING (Outside the Family)

Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years a go."

If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.

​

THEATER ETIQUETTE

• • Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
  • Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

• • Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
  • Its is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.
  • When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.
  • A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also aproven fly deterrent.
  • For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS

• • Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
  • Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
  • Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.
  • It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
  • Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
  • The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.
  • Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.

 

[jessicar613]

Let's not forget the word "Youtes". It means you-all, or your, and is used almost exclusively within 30 miles of the southern end of the blue ridge parkway.

Hmm dontchall know -n'them- as in 'lets all go giggin out at mike n'them's farm'? Or you can jest leave the farm out all together and just go giggin out at mike n'thems.

 

[Swayde]

Just have to clarify that not ALL Floridians are from New York...I was actually born here and so was my son

 

[fishyfawn]

wtg mommy! SO TRUE!!! LOL

but some of it is a little scary :evil_lol: LOL LOL LOL

 

[magakitty]

Some of it is our relatives, Fawn :rofl:

What's the difference between a yankee and a _____ yankee?

A Yankee comes down for a visit and then goes home, a _____ yankee comes down and stays.

Yankees are like hemoroids - when they come down and go back up, you can live with them. When they come down and stay down, they're a real pain in the ___!!!