The daily joke thread

ok...I give...this is the cleanest joke i know.....

There is a lilttle boy named bart , he is in the thrid grade, and has a slight lisp.
he is sitting in the back of the class, and the teacher hears this large commotion, she comes running back, and yells,"bart, what is going on here?" bart stands up and says "well, my name is bart, the kids call me fart. and darn, that pises me off!" the teacher yells at him and says " bart! we don't say those kind of things here! if you keep it up i am sending a letter to you mother, what is your address young man!" again, bart stands up and says " my name is bart the kids call me fart, i live on third street and the kids call it turd street, and **** that pisess me off! " well, the teacher is exasperated and she walks to the front of the class and picks up a the paddle, tells bart to drop his pants and asks since he continues to disrupt the class, if he knows what this means, bart replies, "yeah, you wanna fiddle and I am to little and **** that pisses me off!
 
cheech said:
what do you call a deer with no eyes???

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no eye'deer.. ;)




what do you call a deer standing still, with no eyes??
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Still no eye'deer.. :D
Click to expand...
cheech! I will have to say this has always been one of my alltime fav bar jokes!
 
Why don't monsters eat clowns?






Because they taste funny :joke:
 
Blonde on the Sun...

A Russian, an American, and a blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the
Russian.

To which the blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going
at night!"



_______
 
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a
question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus,
went up on the sidewalk, and stopped inches from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver
said, "Look, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights
out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a
little tap could scare him so much.

The driver replied "Sorry, it's not really your fault.
Today is my first day as a cab driver.

I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years."
 
A mexican, an itallian, and a blond guy are working on a high rise building. At lunchtime, the mexican opens his pail to find a burito. "man, I hate buritos everyday! If I get one more burrito Im gunna jump off this building!" The itallian opens his lunch to a tupperware full of pasta. "man, I hate having pasta for lunch everyday! If I get it once more, I will join you in jumping off!" The blond guy has a bologna sandwich. "I know how you 2 feel. I'll be right behind you if I get another bologna sandwich"

The next day, all 3 of them get the same thing for lunch, and they all jump to thier deaths.

The funeral for each is held in the same place, on the same day. The wives of the deceased are talking.

"oh If I just knew he didnt like burritos I would have made him something else!"
"Yes, my mario could have had whatever he wanted if he just asked me!"
The blond guys wife look's at them and says "Don't blame me, He made his own lunches!"
 
An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The
doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a
semen sample tomorrow."


The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave
him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor

asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this -
First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left
hand, but still nothing.



Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left,

still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with
her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next
door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even
tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was
shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied,

"Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open"
 
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