what to do?

[RockabillyChick]

my husband used to be a big fish keeper. his dad had all kinds of marine and freshwater aquariums and he used to have like a 200g tank etc.

he wants to have his own tank without my input, but i just know that he is going to make horrible fish choices. he's one of those who grew up with the very outdated and incorrect ideas like "They only grow to the size of their container" and thinking that you can cycle a tank just by letting it sit empty for 2 months. but when i try to explain to him about stunting and the nitrogen cycle, he just says "I had all these fish in a 20g tank and they were all fine!" blah blah. so should i just let him have the 20g my hermit crabs are in now (giving them to someone next week) and let him make his mistakes, or keep trying to explain the right way to do things?

 

[dadof3]

my husband used to be a big fish keeper. his dad had all kinds of marine and freshwater aquariums and he used to have like a 200g tank etc.

he wants to have his own tank without my input, but i just know that he is going to make horrible fish choices. he's one of those who grew up with the very outdated and incorrect ideas like "They only grow to the size of their container" and thinking that you can cycle a tank just by letting it sit empty for 2 months. but when i try to explain to him about stunting and the nitrogen cycle, he just says "I had all these fish in a 20g tank and they were all fine!" blah blah. so should i just let him have the 20g my hermit crabs are in now (giving them to someone next week) and let him make his mistakes, or keep trying to explain the right way to do things?

Let em do what he wants to do.
My dad would have just done it his way anyway.

I would make him aware of the right way to do it and direct him to the source of your information, here as well.
Try to make him feel guilty for treating them with crualty for not doing things the humane way.

Good luck, some dogs wont learn new tricks.

 

[dorkfish]

Did I hear that correctly:

should i just let him have the 20g my hermit crabs are in now (giving them to someone next week) and let him make his mistakes, or keep trying to explain the right way to do things?

It seems like your giving him a tank to use, so how bout' he get's the tank when he can explain the correct way of doing things?

 

[psilo]

I agree with dorkfish. Explain to your dad that just because his fish were fine in the past doesnt mean the fish were happy or that he got the very best out of them. Tell him he can use the tank when you are happy that it will be set up and used properly. Educate, do not let him indoctrinate

 

[rosita]

Hey, guys, I think RC is actually referring to her husband? If that's the case, this will be a hard one to live with. But, if you can live with it, as he makes his mistakes and he's constantly netting dead fish out of the tank (ouch, I know, it's just an "IF"--maybe he'll realize that you, whose tanks do fine, might be onto something. The only reason I offer that particular take is because I was married for years to a man who, despite being somewhat intimidated by my advancing degrees, truly believed I wasn't very smart, and he could not take my advice. :huh:

 

[atc_ben]

Hey, guys, I think RC is actually referring to her husband? If that's the case, this will be a hard one to live with. But, if you can live with it, as he makes his mistakes and he's constantly netting dead fish out of the tank (ouch, I know, it's just an "IF"--maybe he'll realize that you, whose tanks do fine, might be onto something. The only reason I offer that particular take is because I was married for years to a man who, despite being somewhat intimidated by my advancing degrees, truly believed I wasn't very smart, and he could not take my advice. :huh:

That's too bad. A man who doesn't feel his wife is smart, is probably just very unhappy with himself and his intelligence.

my husband used to be a big fish keeper. his dad had all kinds of marine and freshwater aquariums and he used to have like a 200g tank etc.

he wants to have his own tank without my input, but i just know that he is going to make horrible fish choices. he's one of those who grew up with the very outdated and incorrect ideas like "They only grow to the size of their container" and thinking that you can cycle a tank just by letting it sit empty for 2 months. but when i try to explain to him about stunting and the nitrogen cycle, he just says "I had all these fish in a 20g tank and they were all fine!" blah blah. so should i just let him have the 20g my hermit crabs are in now (giving them to someone next week) and let him make his mistakes, or keep trying to explain the right way to do things?

RockabillyChick, I would continue to counsel your husband about what you feel are good fishkeeping practices. I would think he would listen and feel lucky to have a hobby that you can both have fun with together. If not, try to find out, as soon as possible, what else he won't listen to your input about.

 

[Emg]

Ahhhhh....let him have his tank and keep yer nose out of it......lol.......

Hard to do I know RC, but really, if the guy wants to play around with his own tank...just let him. Now, if you can find a way to "help" him so that he thinks the changes are his own idea...go for it, but if you just go and butt your nose in there he won't listen at all because it'll be YOUR idea and not his.

It's a guy thing RC.....

 

[Alestro Bakai]

I agree with Emg.

Making him feel guilty about anything is probably not sound relationship advice. Either a person feels regret about something, or they don't. Inducing it via guilt is a bad idea.

Treating him like a child (once he can explain how to do it right, he'll get the tank) won't work either, because if they're married, I'd assume that they have shared finances. How difficult would it be for him to go out and buy a tank?

I strongly believe in explaining things to people, and then letting them make their own choices.

Explain to him what you've learned regarding this hobby and how fish keeping might have changed over the years, because there have been advances in technology. Then let him decide what to do.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending ones point of view, we can't control how people live their lives. Even if we're married to them. If your spouse decides to smoke, eat fatty foods or drink excessively, you have to either accept their choices or take the consequences.

And I assume you aren't prepared to leave your husband over a fish tank...

 

[brigid_marie]

RockabillyChick-

I've been through a similar predicament. My fiance was really helpful with my first 10g stocking/cleaning/etc. Then he complained that I was too obsessive about every little detail and went through a period of not being interested. It wasn't until we found a full 20g set up for $20 at a thrift store that he wanted his own tank. He wanted no input from me and wanted to do his own thing. I found my way to help him (and his fishies) by offering to help him do simple things (scrubbing out the tank at first, then asking him if he was going to cycle his tank, assisting water changes, etc.). I started out asking simple questions "Did you feed your fish today?"/"Whats that growing in there?"/"Don't even think about using dish soap on that filter!!!!!!" ...ok, that last one wasn't a question, but I wasn't going to let him learn the hard way on that one. Now he lets me have more input that he realizes because I just ask him questions in a innocuous (sp?) way. If your husband complains that (for instance) that the water is to hard/soft/hot/cold, then you can just respond about something you read on line or write down a link to a good source like AC. It's worked for me and I've got a pretty stubborn guy. Good Luck!!!

 

[nerdyguy83]

While I agree that guilt isn't the way to go here, you have to do something about the potential for overcrowding here. The old "grows to the size of the container" thing is somewhat true, and for some animals it is safe (iguanas I believe, or maybe I'm just as ignorant about reptiles as some are about fish). Explain that he is right, the fish will only get to a certain size in the container because of crowding, but then explain about stunting, about how organs keep growing while body size doesn't, and about premature death and unhappy fish. Simply saying "That's not true!" when someone whips out the myth isn't going to convince them otherwise.