1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was asalted.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says
"I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says,
"Sorry we don't serve food in here."
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under
his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the
road."
6. Two aerial antennas meet on a roof, fall in love
get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the
reception was brilliant.
7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the
other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass
of home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is
it common?" "It's not unusual," replied the doc.
9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field,
Daisy says to Dolly " I was artificially inseminated
this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
10. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only
Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can
clearly see you're ****."
11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says,
"I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you
sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
12. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull
before.
13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
"My dog's cross- eyed, is there anything you can do
for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at
him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes,
then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going
to have to put him down." "What?, Because he's
cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy.”
14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other
day but I couldn't find any.
15. I went to a seafood restaurant last week.... and
pulled a mussel.
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? ... A fsh
17. Two vultures boarded a plane, each carrying two
dead raccoons. The stewardess stops them and says
"Sorry sir, only one carrion per passenger."
18. NASA recently sent a number of Holsteins into
orbit for experimental purposes. They called it the
herd shot round the world.
19. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One
took off to Hollywood and became a rich star. The
other stayed in Carolina and never amounted to much.
Naturally he became known as the lesser of two
weevils.
20. Two Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, so they
started a fire, which sank the craft, proving the old
adage you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
21. A 3-legged dog walks into an old west saloon,
slides up to the bar and announces, "I'm looking for
the man who shot my paw."
22. Did you hear about the Buddhist who went to the
dentist, and refused to take Novocain? He wanted to
transcend dental medication.
23. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a
hotel, and met in the lobby where they were discussing
their recent victories in chess tournaments. The
hotel manager came out of the office after an hour,
and
asked them to disperse. He couldn't stand chess nuts
boasting in an open foyer.
24. A women has twins, gives them up for adoption.
One goes to an Egyptian family and is named "Ahmal".
The other is sent to a Spanish family and is named
"Juan". Years later, Juan ! sends his birth mother a
picture of himself. Upon receiving the picture, she
tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of
Ahmal. Her husband replies, "They're twins for Pete
sake! If you've seen Juan, you've see Ahmal!"
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says
"I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says,
"Sorry we don't serve food in here."
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under
his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the
road."
6. Two aerial antennas meet on a roof, fall in love
get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the
reception was brilliant.
7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the
other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass
of home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is
it common?" "It's not unusual," replied the doc.
9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field,
Daisy says to Dolly " I was artificially inseminated
this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
10. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only
Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can
clearly see you're ****."
11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says,
"I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you
sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
12. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull
before.
13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
"My dog's cross- eyed, is there anything you can do
for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at
him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes,
then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going
to have to put him down." "What?, Because he's
cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy.”
14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other
day but I couldn't find any.
15. I went to a seafood restaurant last week.... and
pulled a mussel.
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? ... A fsh
17. Two vultures boarded a plane, each carrying two
dead raccoons. The stewardess stops them and says
"Sorry sir, only one carrion per passenger."
18. NASA recently sent a number of Holsteins into
orbit for experimental purposes. They called it the
herd shot round the world.
19. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One
took off to Hollywood and became a rich star. The
other stayed in Carolina and never amounted to much.
Naturally he became known as the lesser of two
weevils.
20. Two Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, so they
started a fire, which sank the craft, proving the old
adage you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
21. A 3-legged dog walks into an old west saloon,
slides up to the bar and announces, "I'm looking for
the man who shot my paw."
22. Did you hear about the Buddhist who went to the
dentist, and refused to take Novocain? He wanted to
transcend dental medication.
23. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a
hotel, and met in the lobby where they were discussing
their recent victories in chess tournaments. The
hotel manager came out of the office after an hour,
and
asked them to disperse. He couldn't stand chess nuts
boasting in an open foyer.
24. A women has twins, gives them up for adoption.
One goes to an Egyptian family and is named "Ahmal".
The other is sent to a Spanish family and is named
"Juan". Years later, Juan ! sends his birth mother a
picture of himself. Upon receiving the picture, she
tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of
Ahmal. Her husband replies, "They're twins for Pete
sake! If you've seen Juan, you've see Ahmal!"
