Medicine for Msjinkzd

I forgot I had this.

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong
with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into
a regular workout routine.


A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
______________________________________________________________________
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football
cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go
ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

____________________________________________________________________
MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was
well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda
waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair,
dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching
the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my
workout today. Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was
already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This
is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

__________________________________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air
then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
_________________________________________________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered
other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in
the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is
VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate
an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would
help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other **** too.

_____________________________________________________________________
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking,
I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny b**** to find
me.Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

______________________________________________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could
move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And
if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the barbells
or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

________________________________________________________________________
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice
made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked
the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven
straight hours of the Weather Channel

____________________________________________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year
my daughter (the little ****) will choose a gift for me that is fun --
like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wante d me
to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
 
This is still my favorite joke, courtesy of Ron White.
A magician was booked to perform on a cruise ship. The captain of the ship had a parrot that would sit in the audience every night and heckle the magician. "Bwak! It's up his sleeve!" or "Bwak! It's under his hat!" Finally one night the magician just lost it. He pulled out a pistol, aimed it at the parrot, and fired. The bullet missed and hit a propane tank instead, blowing the ship to smithereens. The only surviviors were the magician and the parrot. As they clung to a piece of wreckage waiting to be rescued, the parrot turned to the magician and said, "OK, I give up. What did you do with the ship?"
 
The Shrink And The Bartender
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY
BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM . . .
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm
scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come
talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those
fears.'
'How much do you charge?'
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.
'I'll sleep on it,' I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever
come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful
lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have
saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'
'Is that so! With an attitude he asked and how, may I ask, did a
bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!"



FORGET THE SHRINKS.. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER!
__________________
 
The Gossip
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's
morals, kept sticking her nose in to other people's business. Several
members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her
enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Elmer, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Elmer (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know exactly what he was doing!

Elmer, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and
walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny... he said nothing.

Later that evening, Elmer quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's
house... walked home... and left it there all night.
__________________
 
Two Wishes
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again.?'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir.?How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well,' say s the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.?My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'?
 
Sheer Nightgown

A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy ), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow,
and keep the $500 refund for myself.' She appears naked on the balcony and
strikes a pose. The husband says,’ Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at
least iron it!' He never heard the shot. Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed
coffin.
 
I am doing great. Still a super gimp, but under my own power now! Thanks guys! This thread totally helped me get through the worst of my recovery.
 
A STUNNING SENIOR MOMENT

Apparently, a self-important college freshman attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

'You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one' the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. 'The Young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon. Our space probes have visited Mars.. We have nuclear energy, ships and electric and hydrogen cars, cell phones. Computers with light-speed processing... And more .'

After a brief silence the senior citizen responded as follows:

'You're right, son.

We didn't have those things when we were young ... so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little ****, what are you doing for the next generation?'



The applause was amazing.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
AquariaCentral.com
Top Bottom