Medicine for Msjinkzd

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....
so, I took her to a gas station.....

and then the fight started....
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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started.....


***********************************************************************


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked,'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....


******************************************************* ****************


I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started.....
 
:grinyes:


[FONT=times new roman,helvetica]You're in big trouble[/FONT]

[FONT=times new roman,helvetica]I JUST KNEW I WAS IN BIG TROUBLE AT WORK WHEN... [/FONT]

[FONT=times new roman,helvetica]...the Security guard made a complete inventory of my work area. [/FONT]

[FONT=times new roman,helvetica]...my assistant began responding to my memos with, "Yeah, whatever." [/FONT]

[FONT=times new roman,helvetica]...I got a "It's for you loser" wav receiving e-mail, & not a chime. [/FONT]

[FONT=times new roman,helvetica]...my new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-16 last weekend. [/FONT]

[FONT=times new roman,helvetica]...the Human Resources Dept requested an update of my arrest record. [/FONT]

[FONT=times new roman,helvetica]...the Boss asked if I still had a copy of my 5 year contract. [/FONT]

[FONT=times new roman,helvetica]...I noticed co-workers measuring my office when I arrived at work. [/FONT]

[FONT=times new roman,helvetica]...my parking spot was relocated next to the dumpster. [/FONT]

[FONT=times new roman,helvetica]...my secretary sez things like "Get the phone, my nails aren't dry." [/FONT]

[FONT=times new roman,helvetica]...three people began helping me write a "desk manual" for my job. [/FONT]

[FONT=times new roman,helvetica]...the LAN suddenly began backing-up my computer every 10 minutes. [/FONT]

[FONT=times new roman,helvetica]...a large paper recycling box was placed next to my file cabinets. [/FONT]

[FONT=times new roman,helvetica]...the receptionist began saying "Who ???" to anyone calling on me. [/FONT]
 
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
Likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
 
A man decides to celebrate his 80th birthday by buying the red sports car he always wanted. Paying for it, he zooms out of the parking lot and gets on the freeway doing 80 miles an hour.

Just then, he sees the red light of the Highway Patrol in his rear-view mirror. Panicking, the old man steps on the gas! 85...90..100...110... Finally, after he's hit 120mph, he thinks "What am I doing??" and pulls over.

The Patrolman walks up to the red sports car with a very tired look on his face. Checking the old man's license he sighs and says: "Sir, it's the end of my shift and I don't want to do all that paperwork. If you can give me a good reason you were speeding at 120 mph, I'll let you go with a warning."

So the old man thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, officer, years ago my wife ran off with a Highway Patrolman. I was afraid you were bringing her back!"

:laugh:

Rest well!
 
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Nine words women use...

1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying &*^$ YOU!

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?'
For the woman's response refer to #3.
 
This is cute...
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.
mail

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They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

mail


The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs,

mail


enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.

mail


As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the s tore and bought even more outrageous outfits.


mail
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These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said


mail


'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it an y longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.'
'Yes, Father?' 'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?' She replied,


mail


"Father it's me... Sister Kathleen!"
 
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair; she lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior, 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.

'It was,' sighed the Sister, 'and I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.’

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'

'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!

'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. T he sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee.

"Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.

'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.

'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... 'You missed the fxxxxing putt, didn't you?'
 
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