Medicine for Msjinkzd

to the mods sorry if i offended i will try to keep it pg

Gotta pee:
Two women friends had gone for a girls night out. Both were faithful and loving wives, but they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

one of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

her friend however, was wearing a rather expencive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

she was lucky enough to squat next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she procedded to wipe with that.

after the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day, the one woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "these girls nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst... my wife came home with no panties!"

"thats nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck on her *ss that said...

"from all of us at the fire station... We'll never forget you!"
 
my beer...

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery
and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might
be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself,
"It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than
be selfish and worry about my liver!


How about this :

picnic-supplies.jpg
 
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There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him.

They would always comment that he was a few bricks shy of a full load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime, and John would always take the nickel.

One day after John grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think that you don't know that the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or why?"

Slowly, Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and Johnny said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it. So far I have saved up $20!"
 
This guy was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had a
pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted
to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a
centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and
decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a
beer or two. So he asked the pet, "Would you like to go to Sam's with
me and have a beer?"

But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit,
but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about
going to the bar and having a drink with me?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he
waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided
to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the
centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go
to Sam's place and have a drink with me?"

A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm
putting on my shoes."
 
And one just to get me in trouble...
sorry ladies!!


Son asked his mother the following question: 'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?'

The mother looks at her son and replies, 'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.

'Dad, why are wedding dresses white?'

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, 'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
 
:cheers: to a speedy recovery!

Can't tell my jokes here. ;)
 
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
 
The highways of Nevada are a barren and unforgiving place--especially for a penguin. Well this silly penguin was cruising along the highway in his pick up truck, he was sweating so much his butt was glued to the old ratty seat. He reached his flipper over to the AC and cranked it...hoping to feel the soothing cool breeze.

The old truck couldn't take it anymore and sputtered to a halt. The poor penguin was stranded in the middle of nowhere, sizzling in the Nevada sun. He recalled passing a gas station/garage some miles back, so he started waddling.

When he finally reached the gas station, he gasped out a few words to the mechanic "truck...broken....that way" and gestured with his flipper. He needed to cool down quickly!

He stumbled into the air conditioned convenience store and promptly passed out on the floor. He awoke a while later and felt a little better, but still not cool enough! The gentle hum of the freezer case called to him. Without any hesitation he slid over to the freezer and stuffed himself into it along side some ice cream and frozen dinners.

Ahhh....the penguin let out a sigh of content. He was finally cooling down. It felt great to have the ice crystals condense around him. "Ice!" shouted the penguin. He had had an epiphany. "Ice cream will surely cool me down!"

So the penguin tore open a carton of icecream and started shoveling it into his beak. It was melting all over his warm flippers and fuzzy tummy. There was vanilla icecream dripping everywhere!! The penguin didn't care he was covered in it. He was happy to be cold and fell asleep.

Hours past again and the penguin finally woke up. He crawled out of the freezer and left trails of melty icecream behind him. Once he found the mechanic, he heard about how they towed his car and were in the process finding the problem. The penguin furrowed his brow and asked the mechanic, "Well, what does it look like?"

The mechanic replied, "Frankly, it looks like you blew a seal!"
 
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