Medicine for Msjinkzd
- Thread starter Redneck Woman
- Start date
WHAT!?!? No beer? That is cruel and unusual punishment! :eek3:
OK... No beer jokes.
Unfortunately I only know old people jokes or ones that would get me banned. 
Maw is outside hangin' up the laundry, when she hears Paw in the
kitchen. Maw walks in and says, "Paw, get out there and fix that
there outhouse."
Paw says, "All right, Maw." Paw walks out to the outhouse, looks at it and says, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"
Maw says, "Yes, there is. Put your head down in the hole."
Paw says, "I ain't puttin' my head in that there hole!"
Maw says, "Well you're gonna have to if'n you're gonna fix the problem!"
So Paw puts his head down in the hole (just a little bit, mind ya) and then hollers, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"
Maw hollers, "Now pull your head out of the hole."
Paw goes to lift up his head and he says, "Oww! Ouch! Maw! MAW, my beard's stuck in the wood cracks in the seat!"
Maw says, "Aggravatin', ain't it?"
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A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning.
Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you alright?"
"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart."
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A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a see through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You got let your rosebuds show!", and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting here with no top on. The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging rose garden."
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A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers.
He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor. The children began to say:
Red............cherry
Yellow........lemon
Green........lime
Orange.....orange
Finally the professor gave them all honey lifesavers.
After eating them for a few minutes none of the children could identify the taste.
"Well"' he said, "I'll give you a clue. It's what your mother might sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror , spit hers out and yelled, "Oh, my God! They're ********!"
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Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their housework duties. The first man married a woman from Pennsylvania and bragged that he had told her she was going to do all the dishes and all the house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from New York. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He said that on the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a Kentucky woman. He boasted that he had informed her his house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, the cooking done and laundry washed. And this was all her responsibility. He said the first day he didn't see anything and the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye!
The second man married a woman from New York. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He said that on the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a Kentucky woman. He boasted that he had informed her his house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, the cooking done and laundry washed. And this was all her responsibility. He said the first day he didn't see anything and the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye!
irishspy
There is a stargate in my aquarium.
An American, an Englishman, and an Irishman were all sitting at the bar one day, enjoying their beers, when three flies flew in and promptly landed in their beers, one each. *PLOP* *PLOP* *PLOP*
The American looked annoyed, flicked the fly out of his beer, and went back to drinking.
The Englishman pursed his lips in distate, delicately removed the fly from the beer, wrapped it in a napkin, and ordered another.
The Irishman scowled, picked up the fly by its wing and drew close, staring at it eye-to-compound eye. Then he shook it and yelled "Spit it out, blast ye! SPIT IT OUT!!"
:hitting:
The American looked annoyed, flicked the fly out of his beer, and went back to drinking.
The Englishman pursed his lips in distate, delicately removed the fly from the beer, wrapped it in a napkin, and ordered another.
The Irishman scowled, picked up the fly by its wing and drew close, staring at it eye-to-compound eye. Then he shook it and yelled "Spit it out, blast ye! SPIT IT OUT!!"
:hitting:
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice,
"I don't fink my pet pyfon weally gives a thit."
__________________
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice,
"I don't fink my pet pyfon weally gives a thit."
__________________
Don't play Golf With your Wife
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his neck.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. "Well," the man says, "It's like this; I was playing a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows.
We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white on it's rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it--stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" the doctor asks.
"Well," the man replies, "I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!"
"I don't remember much after that!"
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his neck.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. "Well," the man says, "It's like this; I was playing a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows.
We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white on it's rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it--stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" the doctor asks.
"Well," the man replies, "I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!"
"I don't remember much after that!"
Lupin
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- Sep 21, 2006
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