Medicine for Msjinkzd

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

Now, admit it At least one of these made you smile.
Didn't mean to offend anyone.
 
A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they had spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.

So the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages of condolence from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed in to the room, found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 January 2008

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you can send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival, tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey
is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
:grinyes:
 
:rofl:

where do you get all of these???


An update, FINALLY my meds seem to be managing my pain. I feel human again! Still have about 2 weeks left until I am allowed to start trying to walk, but am finally feeling positive about all this since I am not constantly on the edge of tears from the pain. Again, thanks for all the support and well wishes. I really don't think I could have gotten through this without my AC friends and family.
 
I'm so glad you are feeling better! Time for some more meds!:grinyes:


A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the
window saying:

"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said,
"Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."
__________________
 
This confirms what men have suspected all along:

A store named "Husband mart" has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store has six floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch: As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better" she says." But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor number 123,974,389,012,345 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at Husband Mart and have a nice day
 
It finally has a name!!!!!!!:grinyes:


A. A. A. D. D.
____________

I'm sure some of you can relate, and those that can't, well, this might
explain why we are the way we are.

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention
Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to wash my car.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall
table.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can
under the table, and notice that the trash can is full

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash
first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out
the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check
left

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I
find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so
that I don't accidentally knock it over.

I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the
refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water
the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and
suddenly I spot the TV remote.

Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the
remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to
put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up
the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there
is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered,
there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I
can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really
baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail.
 
Well I didn't get to go though the 9 zillion pages of this thread but if Jinkz needs anything to make her feel better it's more vitamin "Y". Doctors order. ;)

YuenglingLager.gif
 
hahahahaha, thanks VF! I had another curative beer last night. The powers of "Vitamin Y" should not be underestimated :grinyes:
 
Glad to see the meds are working jink just be happy it was me and not you running away from that water snake! I mean I always played sports and ran around but let me tell you..you know when people talk about "super human strength" well YEA I think I could have won the 100 yard dash complete with water bucket in hand and net with my other hand behind me taking pics with my picture phone for "proof" that I didn't drink the tap water again..wow that sounded freaking insane maybe I need some of your drugs jinks are you gonna share?
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
AquariaCentral.com
Top Bottom