Medicine for Msjinkzd

The Chemistry Test
Four sophomores taking Chemistry and all of them had an "A" so far.These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals they decided to visit some friends and have a big party.

They had a great time, but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final.

The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.
The Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem, worth 5 points.

Cool, they thought!

Each one in a separate room, thinking this was going to be easy,
they turned the page.
On the second page was written.... For 95 points: Which tire?
 
Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jacka** lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day to yourself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jacka** lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk in his voice, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."
__________________
 
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas . With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little smart alec on your knee."
 
WHY MEN DON’T WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS



Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Lusk


---------------------

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.

Walter
 
Get well soon

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Jimmy, the 13 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Jimmy clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.' I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.' Jimmy grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an 'ID ten T' error before?' 'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.' So I wrote it down: I D 10 T.... I used to like the little turd........
 
Baby shrimpie!



[FONT=Verdana,Arial]Questions that have Confused humankind!!

a.. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

a.. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

a.. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

a.. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

a.. If the professor on Gilligan\'s Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can\'t he fix a hole in a boat?

a.. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don\'t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

a.. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

a.. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They\'re both dogs!

a.. What do you call male ballerinas?

a.. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,why
didn\'t he just buy dinner?

a.. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

a.. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

a.. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

a.. Isn\'t Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

a.. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune?

a.. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's inside your butt?

a.. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog\'s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can\'t wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?

a.. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?[/FONT]
 
Things Got Ya Down?
Well Then, Consider These . .
..............................
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died
in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am ,
regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had
something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve
the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 am
Sund ay, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to
investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am. ,
all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside
the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon
was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer
books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11:00 , Pookie Johnson, the part-
time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life
support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Still Having a Bad Day????
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the
Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00.
At a special ceremony, two of the most expens ively
saved animals were being released back into the wild
amid cheers and applause from onlookers.

A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day????

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen
shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy,
with some kind of wire running from his waist towards
the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from
the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy
plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places.

Up to that moment, he had been happily listening
to his Walkman.

Are Ya OK Now? - No?
Two animal rights defenders were protesting
the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse
in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs
broke loose and escaped through a broken fence,
stampeding madly.

The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What?!? STILL having a Bad Day????
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage
on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender'
stamped on it.

Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was
blown to bits. God is Good!

There now, Feeling Better? ​
 
A blonde was shopping at Target, and came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said,
'Why, that's a thermos.....
It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.'
'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk.
'What's that? ' he asked.
'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,' she replied.
Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'
The blond replied..... 'Two popsicles and some coffee.'
 
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A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?' The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.'
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.'
'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it, and I have the best chance of doing that here.'
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual.. A couple of hours pass, and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office, and sees the blonde crying hysterically.
'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.
'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!'
 
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