Medicine for Msjinkzd

Political Humor. I do not mean to offend anyone, and understand if this post gets deleted.

Why DID The Chicken Cross the road??

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The Chicken wanted CHANGE!

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure, right from Day 1, that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why she crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was ***! Can't you people see the plain truth?! That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is ***. And if you eat that chicken, you will become *** too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told Us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough!

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but Will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cr a...# @ & & ^ ( C % .reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did NOT cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

**** CHENEY: Where's my gun?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken!

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white????? We need some black chickens!!

 COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
 
Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the innkeeper,

"Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip.

I'm Joe, he's Jim, we'll have two Molson Canadian beers, draft please"

The innkeeper, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.

"Been on holiday yet, boys?"

"Off to England next month," says Joe. "We go to England every year and rent a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?"

Jim agrees.

"Ah, England , "says the innkeeper." Wonderful country ... the history, the beer, the culture ..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap, " says Joe.

"Hamburgers & Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England?" asks the innkeeper.

Joe replies, "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."
 
hahahahahaah


Just as a side note, woke up this morning for the first time NOT in extreme pain. Hoping I am starting the upswing! Thanks again for all the well-wishes and thoughts
 
Just as a side note, woke up this morning for the first time NOT in extreme pain. Hoping I am starting the upswing! Thanks again for all the well-wishes and thoughts


Very glad to hear that!!! Sounds like the worst has passed. Go easy longer than you think you need to just in case.
 
How to give a cat a pill...

Crush the pill and put it in tuna.
 
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great
seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.
"Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!
 
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:


1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.


GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.



GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.


SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . . Having a driver's licence.
At age 35 success is . . . Having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money.
At age 70 success is . . . Having a driver's licence.
At age 75 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . Not piddling in your pants.

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icon1.gif
The Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh
His dizzy aunt ---------------------------------------- Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes------------------------ Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store ------- Stop N Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia ------------------- U Gogh

The cousin from Illinois -------------------------------- Chica Gogh

His magician uncle --------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin ----------------------------------- A Mee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ---------- Gring Gogh

The nep hew who drove a stage coach ---------------- Wells-far Gogh

The constipated uncle ----------------------------------- Can't Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt ----------------------------- Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle ------------------------------------ Flamin Gogh

The fruit loving cousin --------------------------------- Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking ---------------- Way-to-Gogh

The little bouncy nephew ----------------------------- Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco ------------------------------- Go Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in an RV --------- Winnie Bay Gogh
 
With every visit from my Uncle Kevin, he would tell me these jokes like I'd never heard them...even if I'd seen him the week before :P

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender "Got any grapes?" The bartender tells the duck no and to get out. The next day, the duck is back, asking the bartender "Got any grapes?" The bartender, irritated, tells him no and not to come back. The next day, the duck comes back and asks the same question. This time, the bartender threatens "If I ever see you in here asking about grapes again, I'm gonna nail your beak to the bar." So the next day the duck walks into the bar, and asks the bartender "Got any nails?" "No..." "Got any grapes?"

Why is a crow?
'Cause

A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender tells him, "Hey, we don't serve your type in here!" The mushroom says "Why not? I'm a fun guy!"

A young man went to a country dance. He was a very sad young man because none of the girls would dance with him. This was because he had a wooden eye. But then, he spotted a young woman sitting across the dance floor also without a partner and he thought he'd try his luck with her. No one else wanted to dance with her because she had a wooden leg. The young man approached her and asked "Would you like to dance?" The girl was so excited she responded "Would I! Would I!" and he, upset, shouted back "Peg Leg! Peg leg!"
 
PECANS IN THE CEMETERY

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of
nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.

Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard
voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard,

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. "Oh my", he shuddered, it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back on his bike and
rode off.

Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard!

Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord himself." Shaking with fear, they peered
through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the
wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me." And one last "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and
we'll be done."

... They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.
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