Medicine for Msjinkzd

Heres some medicine for you jinkz.. will save you time, so instead of reading it will be a video :P

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Ummm, hope this one's ok on a family forum.... I, uh, disguised the un-family-like word with an asterisk. :uhoh:

A bear walks into a bar and sits down and says, "Bartender, I'd like a beer." The bartender replies, "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't serve your kind."
The bear says, "What do you mean, 'my kind'?"
The bartender says, "We don't serve bears in this bar."
The bear says, "Hey, dude, see that lady over in the corner? If you don't give me a beer, I'm gonna go over there and EAT her."
The bartender says, "It won't change the fact that I don't serve bears."
So, the bear goes over and eats the lady in the corner. He comes back, sits down, and says, "Now gimme a beer!"
The bartender says, "I told you, we don't serve your kind here... We don't serve drug addicts."
The bear says, "Drug addicts? What do you mean 'drug addicts'?"
The bartender says, "Sir, that was a bar-*****-you-ate."

:dance2:
 
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Are you ready for children? Why didn't anybody warn us? Follow these simple tests before you decide to have children...

Test 1
Women: To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months remove 10% of the beans.
Men: To prepare for paternity, go to local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2
Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

Test 3
To discover how the nights will feel . . .
1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4-6kg, with a radio tuned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and goto sleep.
3. Get up at 12pm and walk the bag around the living room until1am
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4 am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off
10. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Test 4
Dressing small children is not as easy at it seems.
1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.

Test 5
Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 6
Go the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is excellent). If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your weeks groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Test 7
Hollow out a melon.
1. Make a small hole in the side.
2. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it from side to side
3. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an aeroplane.
4. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
5. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old child.

Test 8
Make a recording of Janet Street-Porter shouting "Mummy" repeatedly. Important: No more than a four second delay between each "Mummy " - occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 9
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continuously tug on your skirt hem/shirt sleeve/elbow while playing the "Mummy" Tape made from Test 12 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Test 10
Go for a drive, but first...
1. Find one large tomcat and six pit bulls.
2. Borrow a child safety seat and put it in the back seat of your car.
3. Put the pit bulls in the front seat of your car.
4. While holding something fragile or delicate, strap the cat into the child seat.
5. For the really adventurous...... Run some errands, remove and replace the cat at each stop.

You are now ready to have kids.
 
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me...

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I
brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home.

My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea because it was 'just the cutest thing!'

My mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know...)

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?'
 

MARRIAGE SEMINAR


While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
 
Take heed to this suggestion!!

Never bring outdoor plants into the house.


WHY?

Garden Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be
dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.

Here's why.........


A couple in Sweetwater , Texas , had a lot of potted plants. During a
recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect
them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of
the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it
go under the sofa.


She let out a very loud scream! The husband (who was taking a shower) ran
out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him
there was a snake under the sofa.


He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that
time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the
snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.


His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to
lie still and called an ambulance..


The attendants rushed in, wouldn't listen to his protests and loaded him on
the stretcher and started carrying him out.


About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency
Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when
the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.


The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house , so she called on
a neighbor man.


He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up
newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and
told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.


But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she
felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed
back under the sofa .

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to
revive her. The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery
store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband
in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and
cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying
on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that he had
been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of
whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the
whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to
arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a
little green snake.

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his
sobbing wife.

The little snake again crawled out from under the sofa. One of the
policemen drew his gun and fired at it.

He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over
and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke it started a fire in the
drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through
the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out
and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and
smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, the burning drapes, were seen by the neighbors who called the
fire department.

The firemen had started raising the fire truck ladder when they were
halfway down the street.

The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity
and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they
did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was
repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car, and all was
right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold
snap for that night The wife asked her husband if he thought they should
bring in their plants for the night.
That's when he shot her.
 
:rofl:

So, although i am STILL on crutches, I took a brief "adventure" today and drove myself to the grocery store. I am determined to be using a cane by the end of hte week and am off half of the narcotics now. Definately on the mend!
 
Now this is cute!!!!

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]...
[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
[/FONT]If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... But that's not the worst of it.



My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.
[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

[/FONT]My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]But here's the worst of it --


[/FONT]Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter. ..either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
[/FONT]
 
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