Perfect Anniversary Gift
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking
for a little something special for my wife, Toni. What I came across
was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse effect on the
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO
COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I
was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it
against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
(Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave).
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two little triple-A batteries...
right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I
must admit
I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) but thought
better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this
thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and taser in the other. The directions said that a one-second
burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, (pretty cute really and
loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "No
possible waaay!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best.....
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as if to say, "Don't do it Master." Reasoning that a one-second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad....
I decided to give
myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to
my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ... HOLY MOTHER ...WEAPONS OF
MASS DESTRUCTION...@!@$$!%!@*!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative.
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, since time was a relative thing
at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up
and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh
were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
Still in shock,
Tommy
